I caused my ex husband to become a pedophile/rapist.

[Kubash16]

I’m struggling with a ton of self blame for how my marriage ended. It ended with him going to prison for raping and kidnapping my kid niece.

He blames me for it. I had gained too much weight. I withdrew from him too much after my miscarriage. I was too depressed. I didn’t look like I did when we first got together but she did.

He’s not wrong, but I know I’m supposed to work my way into forgiving myself. After all he could have chosen way different things. But I can’t help but think he is completely right.

 

[Wendell_R]

Appropriate husband response: "I'm worried you have depression." "Can we make meals together?" "Would you like to see a therapist?"

Not-great, but maybe understandable husband response: visiting massage parlor, divorce, giving you the silent treatment, being angry

Absolutely horrible husband response: rape, kidnapping

Even if he wasn't capable of the appropriate responses, there was a world of possible ways of dealing with the situation that weren't illegal (divorce, say). Don't confuse facts (I gained weight, I was depressed) for causes (I am to blame for his crimes). He is to blame for his own actions. He should blame himself, and accept responsibility.

 

[Kubash16]

He did a lot of angry and silent treatments, but within those, did his stuff. I don’t know. I feel like if I could have been a better wife he wouldn’t have had the motivation to do anything.

 

[scout86]

. I feel like if I could have been a better wife he wouldn’t have had the motivation to do anything.

Wouldn't it be nice if keeping those people under control was really that easy? How many pedophiles are "happily" married? (I don't know, but plenty.) The desire to kidnap and rape children isn't connected to the desire to be in a healthy relationship with another adult. Two separate, unrelated things.

What IS connected is the inclination to think you have some kind of right to abuse children and inclination to blame others for the bad stuff you do. How often has he ever taken responsibly for anything? Not your fault! :)

 

[Kubash16]

How often has he ever taken responsibility for anything?

Ha, good point. Umm very, very little.

 

[Friday]

I DARE you to :sneaky: go up to the next sad looking middle aged fat person you see and yell at them...

“You’re turning people into kidnappers & pedophiles & rapists! YOU! Because you’re sad! And fat! And old! It’s all your fault!”

Failing that... can you simply try imagining doing so? Each time you see someone, walking up to them and shouting that at them.

Yes. It will make you look like a crazy person. But if we’ve found the cause? We need to get the word out. <cough> Or, conversely, it might just illuminate how crazy your ex is. (And how limitless the human heart, that love still wants you to believe him, even though he’s criminally insane at best).

But I am serious about trying it. Or at least imagining it. Because cognitive dissonance? Creating that screeching feeling in your brain as what feels right gets smacked with a -large, cold, wet- dead fish & has to re-evaluate itself? Rocks.

 

[Ronin]

struggling with a ton of self blame for how my marriage ended.

Can I congratulate you for all the moments you stayed alive through being with that impossible prick, instead?

And every of those absolutely mind numbing and maddening ways you had to be creative through to navigate the days, and how well you pulled that off, and how well you are still pulling it off (because, clearly, you are evaluating what you did, and what you could have, enough to be beating yourself up for it).

... And I am afraid the he is not wrong is not true in like, any sane universe. I also think it is not right even in his own head, that is just some bullshit he got out to get to you. I doubt he actually believed it, so even taking things from his view and all? You do not have to believe it.

 

[Kubash16]

@Friday oy there’s no way in hell I could do that lol. But it also feels wrong to just consider he’s wrong and insane. Even though I did hear through the grapevine that the prison docs diagnosed him with schizo-affective disorder as well as aspergers.

@Ronin I think he really does believe it to be honest. Which makes it hard to refute. I don’t see me as surviving him either, just being dumb for staying so long.

 

[Ronin]

feels wrong to just consider he’s wrong and insane.

Try this one: Some are way insane because of their actions...
No disorder required. :sneaky:

You are not blaming him.
What he did speaks for itself, and if he wanted to be thought of in a different light? He could have acted so.

Which makes it hard to refute.

You are being the voice of reason, here.
And: Does not need a refutal, he is still wrong.
As in some things are just factual, does not matter if he believes the sun rotates around the flat Earth.

just being dumb for staying so long.

Dumb is nowhere in the land of words that come to mind.
Loyal, trusting, hard working, caring, brave, wicked smart, improvising (for dealing with everything he came up with, out of the blue), serene, sincere, strong, gentle, loving... yes.
Dumb, nah.

 

[somerandomguy]

If you hadn't been there, if he'd been married to someone else, he still would have found some kid to molest, and he would have had someone else to blame. It still would have happened, because abusers abuse.

It's him. Not you. He made the choice to do it. You had nothing to do with that choice and couldn't have affected it in any way.

 

[Justmehere]

But it also feels wrong to just consider he’s wrong and insane.

Feelings are not facts.

It's hard to face that HE made bad choices. HE screwed up. You are not at fault, and you were not in control of stopping him. Many survivors don't want to feel the helpless and powerless that comes with accepting they can't control others. You and I do have power and control, over ourselves, but not over rapists choices to hurt children. Nope. He wants you to believe you are to blame. That is not good for him, you, or the victim. Declare your power to give his guilt back to him.

 

[Kubash16]

Try this one: Some are way insane because of their actions...
No disorder required. :sneaky:

You are not blaming him.
What he did speaks for itself, and if he wanted to be thought of in a different light? He could have acted so.


You are being the voice of reason, here.
And: Does not need a refutal, he is still wrong.
As in some things are just factual, does not matter if he believes the sun rotates around the flat Earth.


Dumb is nowhere in the land of words that come to mind.
Loyal, trusting, hard working, caring, brave, wicked smart, improvising (for dealing with everything he came up with, out of the blue), serene, sincere, strong, gentle, loving... yes.
Dumb, nah.

Oh man those words at the bottom. . . I really want to argue those. But I won’t, I’ll just say thank you instead.

As for the rest, you’re right. It’s not my blaming him that has him in prison. He got caught through his own actions. I didn’t hold a gun to him and make him do anything.

If you hadn't been there, if he'd been married to someone else, he still would have found some kid to molest, and he would have had someone else to blame. It still would have happened, because abusers abuse.

It's him. Not you. He made the choice to do it. You had nothing to do with that choice and couldn't have affected it in any way.

True, he probably would have stayed with his ex if I hadn’t come along. She had nieces too. Which has me thinking things I don’t want to think about.

Feelings are not facts.

It's hard to face that HE made bad choices. HE screwed up. You are not at fault, and you were not in control of stopping him. Many survivors don't want to feel the helpless and powerless that comes with accepting they can't control others. You and I do have power and control, over ourselves, but not over rapists choices to hurt children. Nope. He wants you to believe you are to blame. That is not good for him, you, or the victim. Declare your power to give his guilt back to him.

I have control issues. Massive control issues. So maybe that’s the hang up here. Admitting I had no ability to change it is admitting to a lack of control which is not something I like or am comfortable with.