I Couldn't Avoid Humans More

[Deleted member 29899]

Where you're at is where I was last summer. The same kind of 'social life'. Also definitely the pattern of disappearing. I'd attend things but not really be 'connected' to anyone. It's painful.
Now I'm in a much worse space, I see no one, ever. I last heard myself talk three weeks ago. It was a comment I made, not a conversation. I last had an actual conversation with someone in early December. And that was just with a counsellor. I literally feel like I'm going insane. Also when a person has been isolating for a period of time, our social skills get worse. It's like a lot of things, use it or lose it. At least that's my experience.
So much seems meaningless to me the last year... I went to a coffee shop the other day by myself which I rarely do anymore. Took my computer. For a few minutes I looked around and actually listened to some of the conversations and they seemed absolutely meaningless. So lonely yet I thought I'm glad I'm not sitting there being 1/2 of that conversation because it's absolutely meaningless, a waste of time. Not to be rude at all. I guess it's depression or loss of interest in life. Such intense animated conversation about something absolutely meaningless. Must be depression.
I long for people yet the pattern of 'disappearing' and just stopping everything (as I have) will be the death of me.

Just HOW does one connect with the human race again and feel 'PART OF' again rather than OBSERVING?

The last loss I experienced was over a year ago. It took the life out of me. Killed the laughter in me. My laughter is how I survived through all the traumas of life. I laughed heartily every day, was a really funny person (my past shrink used to die laughing and was really trying to encourage me to do stand up). I think I've made someone laugh every single day of my life. I thrived on it. loved it. It seemed to be my job in life and I loved it. That loss destroyed that. After that everything became meaningless. (Lord knows how that never happened eons ago with all the crap and loss I've been through).

How to find REAL human connection after a long holiday of being away from human relationships. Or - how to find meaning again.
If you find out the answer, let me know. At this point I'm exhausted.

Good luck Chava.

 

[Chava]

Chava have you read Mans Search for Meaning?

You bet. Has it been helpful to you? I feel like I had meaning and that kept me going in spite lots of gaps an lack of skills with emotions and people. But I met my limitations, lost a chunk of my "meaning" and can't seem to force any new meaning onto myself right now. It's almost like it highlights how fragile "meaning" is. We're all a bunch of degenerating parts, so if our meaning depends upon our physical involvement.... :meh:...I think why I am sensing something missing even more internally. Not really meaning, just connection. Just feeling "okay"...even if I can't do or achieve anything...or even on the days I feel outright useless because of pain.

@imok sorry for your loss and how it's resulted in feeling also a loss of yourself (your humor). I relate to that too. I've also had some big losses in the last few years. I'm not sure how all the parts work, or what fits together. But I certainly notice I rarely even smile. I have to will myself to smile at work. I don't force it too much since I'm not a good faker. I can give a small smile towards something that feels genuinely smile-worthy. Just takes some work. I try smiling in private, just to see what it feels like...it makes my face feel weird, like those muscles are weak. :(:meh:

It probably is some depression. And yes, our social skills diminish as we don't use them. I think I'm too freaked out about where I'm at...like do I want to practice fake social skills or can I find some place where it feels more okay to just be myself around others? Granted, not many people want to be around me. If I'm not negative I'm talking theories and stuff that just isn't fun for most people. They're out there, but they are often not in the mainstream, using gossip or new t.v. shows as points for conversation (f*cking boring)... my best friend moved away for work, but was a Ph.D who loved just brainstorming with me, yet somehow we were always laughing too. I lost another good friend like this because I was too messed up to even accept his friendship at the time. So I regret I never get it right, even when an amazing potential friend crosses my path once every decade or so..

 

[KwanYingirl]

Chava you sound bored. Being with superficial people is soul sucking. I can't stand chit chat. I used to have many friends that I would never dream of putting together in one room!! All so different but stimulating in their own ways. Since my chemical injury and sensitization, only two of my friends who happen to live far away, will hang out. I have one friend here and just can't think of a way to make new friends. I get reactions to perfumes and laundry smells so I avoid people in general. Has life lost meaning for me? I would have to say no, based on the fact that despite my limitations, I still find interesting things. Just lonely. My children inspire me and my love for them fills me up. I've never lived up to my potential because I am socially immature. Always have been. I'm ok one on one, dread groups ( damn chit chat again).

I guess I am fascinated now by metaphysics. It is the source of my healing since allopathic medicine failed me. I've learned a lot about energy, chi, intentions, chakras, etc. I am an empath according to my Reiki practitioner. When I googled 'empath' it was like reading my biography. So minus my traumas, I was destined to be sensitive yet empathetic. Trauma is the veil of despair I dig myself out of pretty much every day. I'm not evolved enough to transcend the violence, torture, and abuse I suffered. Sorry, I fail to see anything positive about it. Well, I take that back. I have met many interesting people on my road to healing. I'm self employed now and I dig being my own boss. I know the work I do is of great benefit to my clients. AA taught me the value of gratitude and yoga is reinforcing it.

I'm still lonely though.

 

[Chava]

Chava you sound bored. Being with superficial people is soul sucking.

I don't feel bored but I'm sure that's part of it. I don't have fun nerds to be with. I don't actually hang out with superficial people but will once or twice a year accept an invite to a birthday party for a colleague or friend that I feel a bit more connected with...and these parties don't feel any fun for me. But I make an appearance, chat a bit, and leave first.

So minus my traumas, I was destined to be sensitive yet empathetic

:)

Trauma is the veil of despair I dig myself out of pretty much every day. I'm not evolved enough to transcend the violence, torture, and abuse I suffered.

This is written so well. I am isolated with nature (not all bad!) but am willing to travel for certain concerts or events that feel meaningful. My two best friends have both moved for work in the last five years or so...both smart, nerdy, creative, quirky. It's not like I could just move with them. One certainty is my job, which I like, and I need to fully depend on myself. Plus there just is no certainty. I could maybe move to a city and hope nobody ever moves away or at least up my chances of having a friend or two more often. But I'd have to give up quiet and super slowness.

I'm glad you find so much meaning in the energy stuff. I am trying to learn more about my own connection to sound. But it's been muffled by my disconnection and sense of meaninglessness....muddies every new thing I attempt. So I must trudge through in spite of my shitty feelings perhaps.

p.s. I need to clean out my mail box...will see if I can do that.