I deserved the abuse I got because I didn’t tell anyone.

[Kubash16]

Even though there were multiple people I could have told.

 

[scout86]

So, how did your abuser know, before the first episode, that you weren't going to tell anyone, thereby making you someone who deserved to be abused and an appropriate target? (I'm not even going to start on how many people DO tell someone and STILL think they "deserved it".)

 

[Kubash16]

Good point again. . . But when I consistently show that I’m not telling and they continue, aren’t I essentially asking for it at that point?

 

[Ronin]

aren’t I essentially asking for it

Nah, not even remotely.

And: There are things that, even if they were by all definitions consentual (and abuse is not that), would still make them shit fellas to actually do. Just because you don't treat anyone that way. Just because the decent thing is to not even consider it. Much less act on those wishes.

 

[Mach123]

You are posting some very hard questions today. I'm sorry. : (
There are no easy answers. These things happen and we keep re living it over and over.
It's possible to break out of it (I think) but it seems impossible, especially at first.
I never got any distance from it till recently and I'm very isolated. I can't re create it if I limit the input. I just pick the same people and situations so it seems like the same stuff happens.

I am doing things differently. It's subtle though and a terrible struggle to see myself clearly. I think having things out in the open clears it up a lot but it's really hard still? The old nightmare is always right there.

 

[Kubash16]

@Ronin you’ve got a point.

@Mach123, thank you.

 

[Friday]

There was a time in my life that I had a trump card to play, and I didn’t play it. Why actually matters a bit.... this was an extremely powerful person that could have changed the entire outcome of what was to follow, if people even knew I was connected to him, much less if I’d picked up the phone and asked him to intercede... Why it matters is that I learned a very hard and very painful lesson; if you’ve got an ace in the hole? Play it. None of this “I want to prove I can do it on my own,” bullshit. Part of “doing it on your own” includes playing the cards in your hand. Using all available resources to affect the outcome you want most.

Because I didn’t call this man, I very neatly blame myself for the entire clusterf*ck that followed. Even though I wasn’t the one who did those things AND I’ll never know what actually might have happened. He could have be disgusted with me and done nothing or worse sided against me. His solution could have been something I would still regret to this day. But I can’t KNOW if he would have helped, washed his hands of me, made things worse, or simply made things differently bad. Because. It. Didn’t. Happen. It’s pure imagination on my part. I have no idea where I’d be today if he’d interceded. Maybe someplace better. Maybe someplace worse. I don’t know. Even though I like to think I do when I’m beating myself up. (My fault, because I didn’t call him, he would have fixed everything). I only know what actually happened.

So I get it.

That said? Here are some hard questions for you...

- Why do you think telling someone would have changed anything? Lots of people shout from the rooftops and nothing changes, or it only makes things worse.

- If you had told someone do you think it would magically absolve you of responsibility, or would the self-blame merely have shifted to “I should have done something not just said something and waited for others to rescue me / I should have fought / I should have left / I should have killed them / I should have _______. Because I didn’t? It’s my fault what happened, and I deserved it.

- Can you accept that past-you was doing the very best they knew how, and making judgment calls in the field, and living through the consequences... and present-you bitching at them for not knowing what you know now, and not making your dreams real, is just adding insult to injury? Worse, perhaps, just plain rude. Because not only were you making decisions in an incredibly difficult position, but now you’re being blamed for what someone else did to you. Bit of a kick to the teeth, isn’t it? To do your best, and then be criticized & blamed for what someone else did.

 

[scout86]

Can you accept that past-you was doing the very best they knew how, and making judgment calls in the field

That, right there.

I can't think of a situation where someone accurately identified the unqualified best course of action, was entirely comfortable it, and decided to do something else. You do the best you know how at the time.

 

[Kubash16]

- Why do you think telling someone would have changed anything?

It probably wouldn’t have. I did accidentally tell a friend what my stepdad was doing and then through a series of unfortunate events it made things much worse.

- If you had told someone do you think it would magically absolve you of responsibility, or would the self-blame merely have shifted to “I should have done something not just said something and waited for others to rescue me / I should have fought / I should have left / I should have killed them / I should have _______. Because I didn’t? It’s my fault what happened, and I deserved it.

It definitely wouldn’t absolve me of responsibility. I would absolutely shift to I should have fought/fought harder.

- Can you accept that past-you was doing the very best they knew how, and making judgment calls in the field, and living through the consequences... and present-you bitching at them for not knowing what you know now, and not making your dreams real, is just adding insult to injury?

I struggle here. Because I can recognize that I was a kid who didn’t know anything different. But does ignorance really count for anything? Because I could look at other families and even at life with my dad and know that those things weren’t happening. So why did I think it was okay and then go along with it?

 

[Mach123]

Because that's what we do. Your posts are killing me. It's good I guess. Please keep writing.

The therapist just kept telling me it wasn't me. At first I had to take it on faith or whatever I couldn't believe her.

She would say, "How could you have done anything else? Of course you did that."

I knew what was going on. You really can't tell or I couldn't. That voice that would have allowed me to do that was taken away. Much later, in middle age, it all just came out. The walls all break down.

I saw quite a few therapists and read some books and it's all out there. It's hard to accept it and say that's how it was I couldn't do anything about it. I feel that way now mostly.

 

[Freida]

Go back and re-read what @Friday wrote and ask yourself how you would apply those questions and your answers to anyone on this forum. Would you accept them from me? Or Chrissy or Inny or ANY of the people here?

It definitely wouldn’t absolve me of responsibility. I would absolutely shift to I should have fought/fought harder.

ecause I can recognize that I was a kid who didn’t know anything different.

But does ignorance really count for anything? B

So why did I think it was okay and then go along with it?

stop rolling your eyes at me :rolleyes: it's not different. You aren't different than the rest of us....so you don't get to give yourself answers that you wouldn't let us give ourselves..

:hug: ??

 

[Friday]

But does ignorance really count for anything?

I don’t know... can you build me a spaceship?

Or would you need to a) learn how & b) acquire the resources -money, materials, techs, permits, property- before you could even begin?

HOW DARE YOU NOT BUILD ME A SPACESHIP RIGHT NOW!?! <<< Not exactly a reasonable request, right? Nor is demanding that anyone without knowledge of how to go about it, nor the resources to make it happen, magically accomplish a task just because soooooo many others have done it, and clearly, it can be done. Icing on the cake is demanding a child to do something even an adult would find difficult, at best, if not impossible.