I despise authority... and other issues come with it...

[J_trustno1]

Hi all, I just needed some help regarding this.

I've been a neglected child with authoritative parents who never got along. There was domestic violence, relative who molested me at 9, child labor forced by mother's brother, emotional n physical abuse.

Ever since childhood I HATED authority. I get to scared at the beginning of an authorative figure hence become passive n try not to disobey them so that they don't shoult at me or tell me off. this keeps building to the point I burn out and ending up either quitting a job or ending a relationship. I tend to surrender in front of loud, strong, rough or authoritative people because they remind me of mum's narcissistic brother who forced child labor on me. I've recently quitted my job and broke up exactly due to this.

I've told this pattern to my therapist n told her that I'm too passive n submissive and in the end aggressive which is not direct aggression but my actions such as leaving people or quitting job or avoiding such people. I feel suffocated with micromanagement because I want my freedom of speech and be able to breathe I'm sick of this pattern and will br working on this.

However, in the meantime can someone suggest something for this? Does anyone relate to this? Feel free to post a reply. Thanks in advance.

Add:
I'm always seeking approval. I let people walk all over me, have low self confidence and self esteem, always make myself minor in front of others and criticise myself too much.

 

[Friday]

I've been a neglected child with authoritative parents who never got along. There was domestic violence, relative who molested me at 9, child labor forced by mother's brother, emotional n physical abuse.

Mmm... So I think you might be misunderstanding what authoritative means.

Abusive - Authoritarian - Authoritative - Permissive - Neglectful.

It's something of a loop, in that both abusive & neglectful tend to have some overlap. Just as abusive & authoritarian / permissive & neglectful tend to have some overlap (although not a lot. Most authoritarian parents/figures are not abusive, just as most permissive parents/figures are not neglectful). Authoritative is as far away from BOTH abusive & neglectful as a person can get. Not an equal blend of both.

Which I'm bringing up less as a grammar-nazi, and more because if you're seeing all versions of exercising authority, no matter how fair/balanced/healthy it may be, as abusive? Learning to see what IS authoritative, and authoritarian (without any crossover into abuse) ... Is going to be one of those big goal-sets. AND is my best answer to your primary Q. Learning to differentiate between authority & abuse/neglect.

 

[Sideways]

I personally find it really hard to identify a problem area and swoop in with cbt straight away in the moment from that point on. It's like, I can identify the issue, but it takes a bit of practice before I can consciously make the decision to behave differently, in the moment, as new scenarios present themselves.

One thing that does often help me start to react diffidence is working through situations where I can recognise, in retrospect, that I'm not happy with the way I handled it. Then I can work through some options of how, with the benefit of hindsight.

That seems to help make new options come to mind in the moment more effectively.

So hypothetically, recently I realised in hindsight that I totally caved when my neighbour came across as an authority figure and asked me to check his mailbox for him. Looking back, I can think of better responses than the one I gave. So next time when he asked me to go to the store for him? It came a lot more easily to say no without much effort.

 

[Keming]

I find it helpful to remember that I'm not 'obeying.' I will not 'obey.' I will work with someone who has superior skills, knowledge and/or experience, for the sake of the project (job / social event / my case file). It usually manifests in me asking a lot of questions before I do something. Doesn't always work, but sometimes i can work with someone and not feel submissive.

 

[sighcy]

Mmm... So I think you might be misunderstanding what authoritative means.

Abusive - Authoritaria...

i think you miss the point a bit. it doesn't really matter whether a situation is objectivly abusive. the point is that anyone in a position of authority is a trigger, activating the childhood trauma cycle.

i can relate dude. overly submissive in relationships and then have to storm off because i can't handle it anymore.

i think its just about reflecting alot on what went down and tactics on how you can improve or do better in the future. I just try to avoid authority as much as possible, work for myself, not for anybody else, that helps. think of little ways you can start asserting yourself and protect your boundaries, but baby steps.

 

[J_trustno1]

@sighcy, thanks for the reply. Assertiveness and boundaries are what I struggle with and have always struggled with. Please feel free to respond to my latest thread. Thanks