I have major avoidance issues around nightfall. Even though all my assaults/trauma took place during the daytime, I have major avoidance issues around nightfall because I somehow have it stuck in my brain that all the problems happen then. Not sure why, but anyways.
Yesterday, my ten year old daughter wanted to have a sleepover. Her friend couldn't come over until 8 pm. That's not nightfall where I am, but I typically don't go outside after 7 pm. Yesterday I made myself go sit out on the porch to wait for the friend to be dropped off (help her with her bags, chat with the parent, etc).
So, I was sitting out there alternately thinking "oh my gosh what am I doing, this is terrifying, I don't need to do this" and "wow, this breeze is amazing. i love how the trees look when the wind blows. the birds are still chirping."
Then, as the experience went on, I started focusing on how I was LITERALLY having two different experiences AT THE SAME TIME. I was having the panicked experience and the emergent/healthier experience at the same time. I feel like my brain is now finally EXPERIENCING what all the literature says and therapy says about avoidance and how it traps you.
A very helpful poster wrote on my last post (living with triggers) that you don't go full into avoidance work all at once (they say like boiling a frog in a pot) - rather, you ease into it. One of the major triggers for me at nightfall is noise. Yesterday evening, it was quiet except for nature. I'm starting to feel comfortable again, and the memory of how refreshing the time was is really outweighing, in my memory, the panicked feeling that I know was also present.
I can't commit to running out and doing this again today, because it's Friday and I expect party noise. But, still, this *may* be the first time I've ever voluntarily faced that avoidance area. When I am forced to come home late at night, I literally rush for the door.
I stayed out for maybe 20 minutes. Five minutes into the whole thing, I looked down at my watching thinking "where IS this kid? It's been like an hour already!" The sense of time was so warped, and it really brought home to me how hard that experience really was. It just opened my eyes, and my brain, at a whole new experiential level. I'm grateful for the experience and will try to repeat it (not on a weekend, lord help me...and with 4th july looming...)
But still - celebrate the small steps. And it was so spontaneous! I never even suspected I was ready to take that step, small as it was!
Yesterday, my ten year old daughter wanted to have a sleepover. Her friend couldn't come over until 8 pm. That's not nightfall where I am, but I typically don't go outside after 7 pm. Yesterday I made myself go sit out on the porch to wait for the friend to be dropped off (help her with her bags, chat with the parent, etc).
So, I was sitting out there alternately thinking "oh my gosh what am I doing, this is terrifying, I don't need to do this" and "wow, this breeze is amazing. i love how the trees look when the wind blows. the birds are still chirping."
Then, as the experience went on, I started focusing on how I was LITERALLY having two different experiences AT THE SAME TIME. I was having the panicked experience and the emergent/healthier experience at the same time. I feel like my brain is now finally EXPERIENCING what all the literature says and therapy says about avoidance and how it traps you.
A very helpful poster wrote on my last post (living with triggers) that you don't go full into avoidance work all at once (they say like boiling a frog in a pot) - rather, you ease into it. One of the major triggers for me at nightfall is noise. Yesterday evening, it was quiet except for nature. I'm starting to feel comfortable again, and the memory of how refreshing the time was is really outweighing, in my memory, the panicked feeling that I know was also present.
I can't commit to running out and doing this again today, because it's Friday and I expect party noise. But, still, this *may* be the first time I've ever voluntarily faced that avoidance area. When I am forced to come home late at night, I literally rush for the door.
I stayed out for maybe 20 minutes. Five minutes into the whole thing, I looked down at my watching thinking "where IS this kid? It's been like an hour already!" The sense of time was so warped, and it really brought home to me how hard that experience really was. It just opened my eyes, and my brain, at a whole new experiential level. I'm grateful for the experience and will try to repeat it (not on a weekend, lord help me...and with 4th july looming...)
But still - celebrate the small steps. And it was so spontaneous! I never even suspected I was ready to take that step, small as it was!
