I Don't Always Feel Like Myself

[Emma13]

I am 25...at least physically and spiritually. There are times, usually when I am at home, that I don't feel like a 25 year old. I feel that emotionally and maybe mentally that I am twelve again. That's when the abuse started. Does anyone else feel like they switch between their real age and age the abuse or other trauma started?

 

[franciemarnie]

Hi Emma13,

I have felt like I have switched back into the ages of abuse. Not so much during the decades I was numb, (I'm 56), but when I began to feel again. That can really blow me away sometimes.

Lots of times I'll get triggered somehow, something in my real time life is reminiscent of those past times and - poof - I am 11 again or 12 or whatever age. I am 56, but inside - that little me has come alive again. It's discombobulating, or was until I figured out what was going on.

Then lots of times it helped me identify what was happening. Like in my no-feeling years, I was oblivious to all scenarios, no matter how inappropriate someone was behaving towards me. Now I will see that a situation is mimicking the past and I can respond differently. This is over simplifying and not comprehensive of my experience of switching, but off the top of my head, that is the main thought I have tonight.

I don't know of you are switching in response to something or someone, or if your 12 year old comes out when you are alone because she is safe then or what, but I hope it isn't disorienting. You and me and all of us have gone thru enough. It is a bummer that years after the abuse, the repercussions linger.

But we can and will heal. Sending safe hug.

 

[Pencil]

Does anyone else feel like they switch between their real age and age the abuse or other trauma started?

All the time!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm 25 too and what the both of you are saying sounds very familiar. I think most of us here on the forum may actually experience this. I feel like I'm twelve often too, in my case it comes out when I'm alone (because it's safe, like franciemarnie says). It is not a bad feeling in itself, it just makes me want to curlp up with a teddybear or something.

At other moments it's annoying because my kid-me is afraid of the world and doesn't want to get out there. At times I have to convince it to get into the real world and I can tell you, it's a very stubborn kid and it takes quite a dose of willpower to change it's mind :P

 

[Emma13]

Franciemarnie, I live with my parents so that's when the switching happens. When I am with my friends or just outside of the house I feel like myself.

Do any of you who have answered or will answer find it hard to explain to your family what's going on?

 

[franciemarnie]

I have only a brother living now and I am sorry to say that though once upon a time I could talk to him about anything, that is no longer so. He denies the things he cannot accept. He denies reality, not only mine but in his own life. Maybe that will change someday but until then, I do not go to him to talk.

But there are so many wonderful people here with great experience, I am sure they have words of wisdom for talking to family. I am new to this forum so I have only just begun to read other people's experiences and knowledge.

Bless you today and every day.