I Don't Have A F-ing Clue About Who I Am

[jesusfever]

It's disturbing. I feel ashamed and stupid if I'm in a situation where I have to talk about myself. It feels like the information is useless, because it's not based on anything. I'm just talking about an idea of myself to get approval.

People love to talk about themselvs. I just feel highly embarrassed, mostly because I'm so used to tweaking my own self image that I have no clue who I am anymore.

I fear that I abandoned my true self so long ago that I might never be able to find it again.

Anyone feel like this?

 

[Spiderallis]

I know what you mean. It was a survival mechanism to shift into being what was expected. When approval is important, things that get approval will become habits. Our brains are wired to keep doing things that get results, and when those results aren't needed it takes a while for the mechanisms to slow down. It eventually stops, for me it's been a gradual process.

Have you tried a journal? It's been helpful for me to write and read over it to find the things that were always present. It's the real me peeking through all the disguises I wore. Takes a while to find those fragments, but over time they come together and form a rough outline. I called it an 'identity triumph' when I saw that outline, it just happened over the last few weeks. There's not a word for the opposite of an identity crisis, so I made one up. It's a process to dig through and find the pieces of yourself, but I promise they're in there.

Over time as you gather those pieces, the awkwardness and shame start to fade. It's jarring to not know where your center is. Little by little it seems to level out into something stable while working through the healing process. It's harder to see it from the inside, talking with someone who knows you well may help.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with Spiderallis. Eventually you will discover what is you and what is not you. It is a work in progress. I think it is a developmental process that takes alot of time.

I am confident that you will find the true you. And you will be pleasantly surprised.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I really like what Spiderallis said about there being a rough outline. Honestly, that's so reassuring to me. I'm similar in that I'm not sure what I like, dislike or who I really am at the core of me. It's all been a constant process of shifting and changing to hide who I was and gain some sort of approval or attention.

It's almost almost like a treasure hunt. You have to continually dive into the wreckage to find all those small pieces at the bottom of the ocean. They are there, you just need some time to find them all.

 

[safenow]

I feel ashamed and stupid if I'm in a situation where I have to talk about myself.

I have felt that way my entire life. I started off in life different than most people who live in the United States. In other countries children go through what I did a lot. But not here. So when "normal" people always talk about their families and such, it's hard for me to relate.I have rare mental health issues as well as physical issues which doesn't help either.

"Normal" people learn how to speak the language of the country they were born in or grew up in. I learned "animal" language rather than English, but few humans know that language.Those who really know me, have learned how to understand what I'm trying to get across. For some reason deaf people seem to catch on faster than hearing people.

Since I've been on this site, I've talked more about me than I ever have. Even to my therapists and others from over the years who have tried to help me. I've shared things I'd never had dreamed of sharing with humans, because of all the support I've received since I've been here. And it's only been a month and a few days. It's all because we all share things in common. No one puts anyone else down here. Not everyone talks to everyone, but all of us can talk to somebody. And in the outside world, I am alone and have no one whom I can talk to. Period. Here, it's a 24/7 family who really listen when you talk. That's is 100% healing in my opinion.

I believe that you will find the same thing for yourself. One of the things that helped me is the online diary. I recommend you try it. It might surprise you.

 

[jesusfever]

Wow, thanks so much you guys.

It really is a process.. And I am comitted to learn from it, yet I can't take it all in at once, so I guess the day-by-day method is the way to go.

Interesting what you mentioned there about journals, Spiderallis. I've kept a daily journal since mid nov last year and haven't looked through it yet. I might try it out and see if I find something. It's filled with a lot of rage and nonsense but what's below the surface is what's really interesting. Thanks for the tip!

 

[squireparty]

This is maybe (?) one good thing, if there is such a thing, about the PTSD for me.....I am learning here what does not work for me. I do believe I had a basic idea before of what does not work for me, but now I am really feeling it when confronted with something or someone or some situation that does not work for me. I thought before I knew who I was for the most part and it seems to me now much of that person was based on being somebody who could get through the day with a mininum of pain and discomfort. Its like I have to get to know this new person I am all over again, but one nice thing is that I am finding I have kind instincts, and I do like that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am changing. I am not the same person I used to be. I like my character traits. I am doing better in so many areas of my life.

But I do not know what I like to do anymore. I get my nails done and feel anxiety when I go to do that but I feel better later on. I enjoy getting my hair done. I need to join a gym and get some exercise.

I do not like hobbies and I do not have a passion for anything except spending time with my daughter and the babies. I enjoy that very much. But I do not get enough time of doing that. I enjoy going out for coffee with my daughter but have not done that in such a long time. I will need to call her and set up a day to do that.

I do not know me anymore. But I have a good character and I do not have the ptsd symptoms I used to have. I am living like a real old person and I am not a real old person. I need to find things to do that I like that are good for me and do not cost alot of money and gas.

 

[jesusfever]

This is maybe (?) one good thing, if there is such a thing, about the PTSD for me.....I am learning here what does not work for me.

It sounds like you're on to something.

I think it's one thing to narrow yourself down to your limitations, but another to honor your capabilities, even though they're sides of the same coin. I think the first one leads to not knowing who you are, and the second to who you are.

 

[jesusfever]

I am changing. I am not the same person I used to be. I like my character traits. I am doing better in so many areas of my life.

That sounds wonderful gizmo. I'm sure there are a lots of things you would find enjoyable doing that are in your direct area. The trick is only to devote yourself to it, and I know that ain't particularly easy. I feel like a weird person when I spend time for myself. But it's useful and I think you can learn a lot about yourself by having fun.

 

[safenow]

But it's useful and I think you can learn a lot about yourself by having fun.

It took me a long time to figure out what was fun. I had to look up that word "fun" = Activities that are enjoyable or amusing. I enjoy playing with animals. I enjoy drawing so that when others look at my work, they smile, or go Aww, or want to purchase it. I enjoy movies that make me laugh, right out loud. I enjoy when others have happiness. I enjoy babies. I enjoy nature.

By seeing this, it tells me I'v had fun off and on all my life. That makes me feel good.

 

[Loner]

You know, you don't have to fit in. If people are talking about themselves, when its your turn, you can always just say something like, "when others engage in self advertisement it doesnt bother me, but when I have tried to do it it always makes me sick. If you want to know who I am, then you'll find out for yourself anyways, who I say I am is of little consequence"

This is not the normal response, but if its not negative and cynical, people often are not put off by people who are out of the ordinary, in fact many people are attracted to them.


Thats about expressing who you are to others, as far as you finding out who you are for yourself, well that takes time, and it keeps evolving over the course of your life.

I've had ptsd ever since I can remember, it is a huge part of who i am. I never really had the chance to form a self identity up until now. In some ways its very exciting for me to think about who I want to beand how I can reinvent myself. Its scary too. Part of my self image is that journey though. The fact that I've always been a loner and never fit in growing up used to be a source of anguish, but now I see that being on my own, while hard, has been freeing as well. I have not been affected by many societal norms and ideals that serve only to stifle most people's creative energies and pressure them to conform. I can think for myself. I am unique. I can rise about the pressures of society that constrict most people their whole lives. I am very strong, and I am kind. I continue to form a more complete picture of who I am.

You're right, people do like talking about themselves!!