I Don't Have A F-ing Clue About Who I Am

[Loner]

I do not know me anymore. But I have a good character and I do not have the ptsd symptoms I used to have. I am living like a real old person and I am not a real old person. I need to find things to do that I like that are good for me and do not cost alot of money and gas.

I am glad to hear your symptoms are largely gone. It sounds like youre in a bit of a limbo/transitional period. I hope you find things that fulfill and enrich you.

Volunteer work maybe? Helping others makes most people feel good.

 

[squireparty]

I so can relate to Loner's post above. I ignored so much of the inner voice and gut instinct that told me that much of how society works is not working well for me and went along with it anyway - I think I did this to just keep myself going and to keep denying and burying the events that led to my PTSD. If I am going to get better, part of it is being OK with being unique and individual and not fitting well into society's molds. And being OK with that. We'll see how this journey goes I guess. Glad to have found this site where it seems folks GET IT.....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks Loner for reminding me of the season of life I am in. That makes it more manageable for me to cope with. It is a limbo and a transitional state.

It is a season of my life. It will not have a happy ending for us. I think knowing this is what makes it so hard. I do not know how long I will be able to keep my husband. He will die from the parkinsons and the dementia. I promised him I would take care of him and hope and pray I will never have to place him in a nursing home.

I will find my way. I think I have time. I had a scary episode because he got pneumonia and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance and had a fever of a one hundred and four which was pretty high.

It threw me into major anxiety and I could not sleep for two days, even though they released him on the same day. He has a clean bill of health now.

I am using some of the advice, tips, and techniques the supporters use for their spouses that have ptsd and it has helped so much.

I just think I am worrying too much and trying to tackle the whole mountain at once and need to take baby steps and do a little bit of the mountain each day. That way it will not be so overwhelmning.

I will find my way. I have no choice. Pain is a great motivator. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired is hitting bottom and it motivates the reaching out for changes that are healthy. Thanks for the words you said.

I am housebound and rarely get out. I used to get out alot more before. I have lost my motivation to do things. I am seriously depressed. I try to keep up my spirits for my husband and it helps. I try to be cheerful.

I will practice letting go and not dwelling on this limbo. Thanks so much again.

 

[safenow]

Pain is a great motivator.

You said a moutful in that statement, gizmo. I've been in pain for many years, but this time, with this shoulder pain added onto the everyday pain, I'm trying to find ways to keep busy since I can't do anything. sigh

 

[Deleted member 12723]

safenow I am sorry you have been in so much pain. You have a strength about you and a very sweet spirit. I hope you will be recovering soon so you can do more things.

 

[Loner]

Gizmo, I just want to hug you.

You gotta get some hobbies or something though. Find something that brings you some joy. Something selfish isnt bad but helping others seems to be one of the easiest and simplest ways for me to find a little meaning and joy.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Loner you are so right. Thanks for the virtual hug. I am doing better now.

 

[jesusfever]

Glad to have found this site where it seems folks GET IT.....

Sure thing man, I agree.

 

[Mindiface85]

I just feel highly embarrassed, mostly because I'm so used to tweaking my own self image that I have no clue who I am anymore.

I can relate so much. This past week I was given several "last chances" to save a very special friendship, all I had to do was be sincere and open up. I tried so hard, but I just couldn't. I've been really working on facing myself, accepting myself, and learning to open up, and it's been so hard because I don't feel like I know who I really am enough to be able to open up about it. I can talk about things I've been through and even some feelings, but when it comes to really being open and honest and sincere with someone who's been those things to me, I find it incredibly difficult and frustrating. It has helped reading through this, though, and realizing that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

 

[jesusfever]

I can talk about things I've been through and even some feelings, but when it comes to really being open and honest and sincere with someone who's been those things to me, I find it incredibly difficult and frustrating. It has helped reading through this, though, and realizing that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Yeah, it IS difficult. I'm sorry about the situation you're in. How are you doing with that friend now?

For a while I thought I was being open and sincere with my friends, but I really wasn't. I was basically just manipulating I guess. Yet I really believed I was that idea of myself.

Now that I know that's not the case, it's werid. I'm slowly but surely approaching vulnurable emotional states. It's a mess sometimes but it will be alright.

Best wishes to you

 

[Mindiface85]

For a while I thought I was being open and sincere with my friends, but I really wasn't. I was basically just manipulating I guess. Yet I really believed I was that idea of myself.

I do hope all is well with you. I can really relate to that, I too had really believed I was being open and sincere. It's been really hard to face how held-back I really have been all these years.

That friend and I are just taking things a day at a time for now. He has PTSD as well, so between both of us having issues we need to continuously work on and my having basically lied to and manipulated him, it's going to be a lot of work building up that trust and closeness again. Still, for the first time in a very long time, I have hope.

He's given me some great exercises to practice every day that have been helpful in learning about myself and also learning to accept myself instead of feeling worthless. I've got a ways to go yet, but every day I feel like I'm learning more and growing more and more determined to keep going with it.

One exercise involves reflecting in the mirror. Talking to myself, and ultimately telling myself to get out of my own way so I can get to really living life again. The other involves a word a day. Words like: blissfulness, excitement, merriment, pleasure, etc. Then I have to relate them back to a time in my life I've felt like that, look at myself in the mirror and try to project it, and then use that to help push me through the day.

Take care, and thanks again for understanding.

 

[Mella]

OMG! Do I ever feel like this? ALL the time! I hate talking about myself and have become so good at turning the situation around and talking about the other person. I hate feeling like i don't know who or what I am. I'm slowly working on it in therapy. But, you are definitely not alone.