I Don't Know How Much More I Can Take

[Polly_pocket]

I feel like an evil wretched thing. I have relapsed into my anorexia so badly since leaving day treatment three months ago. I have lost all of the weight I gained and I'm back to my 'safe' weight. My bmi is not super low but is in the anorexic range dropping fast. I have so many behaviours I have never had before in ten years of illness. I'm scared of fats and sugars and low protein things, I take hundreds of selfies a week just to body check, I have these bizarre self punishment rituals if I eat to much. Some of which seem to be recreating past abuse?! Half the time I think I am fine and I love my eating disorder and I want to get sicker and sicker the other half of the time I literally want to die. I curl up into a ball in my room and just want everything to stop I wish I'd never been born.

My therapist and I are in agreement that all of this stems from my trauma, I am trying to mask my trauma feelings and avoid doing the trauma work by starving. And it works but it is just another kind of torture. The thing is I prefer this torture, I can manage it, I know it.

I'm having a lucid moment and all I want to do is cry out for help. More intensive treatment has already been suggested but I turned it down because I feel so disgusting and unworthy. My bmi is no where near sectionable. And that makes me so distressed because I know I'm going to have deteriorate so much more before I'm forced into inpatient. And then what? No therapy in IP. I'd lose my therapist. Being locked somewhere is one of my major triggers.

I don't even know what the point of posting is. I just want everything to stop. I'm only alive because I don't want to hurt my friends by dying, I'm suffocating out here and I don't know how much more I can take.

I do have aspects of DID. I have a child state who I become or who talks to me on occasion when my trauma is triggered. Now I feel almost as if I have got a new alter- one who punishes and abuses me. It is so strong even when I am crying that I want food and I can't cope anymore this bad part of my brain forces me to carry on with behaviours. I only have therapy once a week and I scared that if I increase my intake the punishment will be deadly.

 

[Friday]

Have you talked to your therapist to see if the can coordinate dual diagnosis care? Straight up Ana treatment isn't helping, as the Ana is trauma based. Straight up trauma treatment is triggering your self harm & control via Ana. It sounds very much as if you need both.

She may have suggestions for a different program than the one you attended before, that will attend to both Trauma & Ana, or she may be willing to work with the treatment facility to continue your trauma treatment while you are inpatient.

 

[Polly_pocket]

Have you talked to your therapist to see if the can coordinate dual diagnosis care? Straight up Ana treatment isn't helping, as the Ana is trauma based. Straight up trauma treatment is triggering your self harm & control via Ana. It sounds very much as if you need both.

She may have suggestions for a different program than the one you attended before, that will attend to both Trauma & Ana, or she may be willing to work with the treatment facility to continue your trauma treatment while you are inpatient.

This has been an ongoing issue since I started ed treatment 2.5 years ago. I think pretty much every post on here has been about this. Basically I was asked to put trauma work on the back burner whilst I was stabilised which makes sense in theroy but didn't work.

My therapist is at the eating disorder service but she is also a trauma therapist so we have been doing both but it doesn't seem to be working my ptsd and ed just bounce off each other. I was supposed to be referred to a specialist trauma service after ed treatment (in like two months) but I don't think the referral is going ahead anymore because they refuse to take patients who aren't stable.

I'm running out of ideas it's an endless loop. Me and therapist haven't discussed trauma in weeks because I have not been stable enough. Basically we are just fire fighting ed symptoms now.

 

[Polly_pocket]

TL;dr

Trauma service refuses to take me when I'm not stable.

Ed service won't help with the trauma if I'm not stable. So I end up endlessly discussing ed behaviours and never getting anywhere because it's all trauma based :(

 

[sun seeker]

I'm glad you reached out. I won't give any suggestions because this isn't something I know a lot about, but just wanted to say I'm listening and care.

 

[Ronin]

TL;dr

Trauma service refuses to take me when I'm not stable.

Ed service won't help with the trauma if I'm not stable. So I end up endlessly discussing ed behaviours and never getting anywhere because it's all trauma based :(

Can you work on stabilizing in smaller bits? Getting yourself rewards, instead of punishments, minimizing the punishments? Eventually even if the self punishing behaviors stay, balancing them out with self care instead of more hurt, cutting the cycle from any point it's possible to cut it?

Would other forms of expression help you, instead of plain verbal? (Eg. drawing, painting, movement; not just whole body movement since I imagine that's kind of impossible or pretty painful without food, but some that's possible, moving side to side is totally dancing with the music on :D, and such)

 

[finding_my_way]

I understand your struggle. Please stop and think back to the last time you went into treatment, or the first time you were diagnosed with an ED. You probably didn't have those lucid moments of wanting to fight it, or they weren't so strong. Each time you struggle, please remember that you are nowhere near where you once were. You have come far, so far that the behaviors are even more painful because you know you don't want them. Only you and your therapist could go back and create a list of all the ways you have grown, despite this slip, but I am sure the two of you could come up with more. If you don't want treatment, that's okay. PHP and such didn't work well for me, so I had to do it on my own terms. But, I needed help to intervene in the behaviors. Could family or a friend stay with you for a little while and control your intake, guide you through each meal? I know it is a lot to ask, but when you are malnourished and entrenched in TED, it is hard to find accountability in yourself. It sounds like you have a good therapist, so I would try to stick with her/him if possible, but I also agree you need more intensive care - more therapy sessions, or someone to sit with you through each meal. I have been there before, and I am here for you now. You can get through this. I believe in you.

 

[wind]

Miriam did it - you can too!!

i will say that i am praying for you - that you were not meant to destroy yourself - you are a precious individual who is caught in a confusing and destructive cycle - but that's not who you are, that's just a place you're in right now - i know you can get out - i am praying you are shown the way.

in Him,