I Don't Want To Show My Therapist This..

[FindingMyself88]

So last night was another rough night for me. I tried twice to fall asleep, only to be awoken by nightmares. This increased my urge to cut again, but instead I chose to paint. The product of this painting is the ugliest thing I have ever done! I actually added to an abstract painting I had done earlier that day with the colors of red, black, and gold. I felt that it was not intense enough for what I was feeling and started "violently" adding to it. I was finishing up with the red and getting ready to add the black when a rush of emotion built up inside of me. The only word I can use to describe it was disgust. I've never cared for the regular shade of Red, but I realized in that moment I HATED it! Some of it I think stems from the fact that it is my mom's favorite color, but I think there is more. I got so disgusted that it started to make me sick and anxious so I quickly began throwing black and gold onto the painting. Then when I was done, I blended some of the areas and put black streaks across it. The streaks almost look like a net.

I still cannot stare at the painting for long, it evokes bad feelings for me. I wanted to just rip it out and throw it away, but I know for it to cause such strong emotions, there is importance to it. Part of me wants to share this with my Therapist to figure out what is going on, but then part of me is ashamed of it. What will she think? Will she think I am crazy or disturbed? If I leave it in my journal though, she is probably going to see it. For the last two sessions we have ended them with me flipping through what I had created that week and she would stop me on certain ones and ask questions.

It is already going to be a tough session because I want to work up the nerve to tell her I started cutting again. Plus talking about what happened at the LIFE retreat I went to this weekend. Part of me just wants to leave the journal at home, but I know I can't. Some of the paintings are vital to help talk about what has happened this week. What should I do?

 

[digger]

What you choose to share from your journal is up to you. If there are other things in the journal you want to share with her, but not this, is it possible to remove the page?

 

[FindingMyself88]

@digger1 It is possible to remove the page or just skip over it. She has told me I only have to share what I want to share. Like we just flip past my paintings with journaling on them. However, I find she helps me get great insight into what emotion each painting represents. I have had an extremely hard time expressing emotion, so painting has become my outlet. Part of me wants to show her so we can talk about it. Last night was the closest I have come to feeling true anger…ever. Anger is a very scary emotion for me because of the violence I have seen. However, I am afraid she will find it greatly disturbing, and therefore myself as well.

 

[Sarah2732]

I can understand how sharing something new, that's frightening to you even, would be really hard. I think, though, she'll be really proud of you for choosing that night to paint instead of cut, and very interested in what came up in it's place.

I wonder if there would be a way to minimize and sort of contain the emotions of the painting while still giving you the option to sort of show her a bit and see if she responds in a way that feels safe enough for you to dive in? I'm thinking, like, taking a photo of it with your phone and sharing that (so it would be tiny.. that would be helpful for me) or ripping the page out of your journal, sealing it in an envelope, and giving her the envelope and telling her you want to talk about the contents at a future point in time, which could be 10 minutes later or 10 weeks later. (I trust my T, but I still sign my name across the seal of the envelope for my own peace of mind. ;-) or sometimes I just cover pages in my journal with super sticky post-it notes till I am ready to share. ;-)

 

[Hashi]

I've shown some very disturbing art to my therapist. Each time I would ask her first if it was OK to show her - I would say something like, if I was putting this on a forum I'd put a trigger warning on it.

I've also thought that if I revealed something disgusting or disturbing to my therapist (art, writing or talking) then she would see me as disgusting or disturbed. I had to talk to her about that generally, and get reassurance from her. Sometimes we've had to revisit it before I showed her something in particular. She always reassured me, and it prepared her for how sensitive I'd be to her reactions.

My artwork has often frightened or alarmed me. I have to keep the scary stuff in a sketchbook I can close, and that goes into a locked case (just a luggage bag with a combination padlock). When something's new, I'll often put some other images representing safety and protection on top of the page before I close the book. Although I find that after working on the image in therapy and on my own, it loses its potency.

Taking this kind of artwork to therapy really helped me. My therapist has great insight and it opened the way for talking about and processing some very difficult things that would be hard to approach otherwise. The general discussions about fear of her thinking me disgusting or disturbing/disturbed were also very valuable.

I doubt that your therapist would think you crazy. I imagine she would respect how difficult the artwork is for you, and at the same time be glad that you found a way to express yourself more. I'd encourage you to talk to her about your concerns over showing it to her. Then you could decide whether you were ready to.

 

[Sally sue]

Wow! I'm so proud of you, I hope you are too :)!

To paint inside of cut is amazing! You dealt with your powerful frightening emotions in a really healthy way!

I agree with others, I have shown my T some really dark and disgusting pieces and she always helps me work through the intensity of them so I can understand my emotions and feelings...it's hard for me to understand them alone and others just feel upset and frightened when they see them, so my T is pivotal in helping me understand!

I have a really hard time identifying my emotions, which sounds like you have that too :(.

Thanks for sharing this idea, and keep up the great work!

Sally sue

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Sarah2732 Thank you for sharing some ideas. I am definitely going to tape a piece of printer paper over it until I am ready to show her. Plus it will keep me from seeing it too for now lol. Maybe this will also minimize my urge to rip it out and throw it away too. I think I am going to do what @Hashi does and talk to my T about my feelings about the painting and my fears of what she will think before I show her. I will probably bring it up with the cutting since it is related, explain how I am feeling and gauge her reaction. If I am going to show her, I will definitely need some reassurance!

Isn't it weird how you can be afraid of what you created? This painting has absolutely no "shape" or picture, it is simply rapid brush strokes and blending. It is unappealing to the eye and if I look at it too long, some nasty feelings come up. I do hope my T can help me with this if and when I decide to show her. I know that these are some deeply rooted emotions, I just can't put a memory to them (aside from my mom loving the color red). Thank you @Hashi for the encouragement and also just knowing I am not alone in this.

@Sally sue Thank you :) I am glad that I decided to paint instead of cut. I've managed to only cut twice this week (instead of every night like I use to when the urges came up). I hope my T can help me in the ways yours has! I have SO much to tell her this week that it may carry into our next session. I don't see her until Friday, I wish it was tomorrow :(.

 

[Suzetig]

Well done @finding on not cutting, I can understand being scared of what you've created and why you'd struggle to show your therapist. You sound sure that sharing would be helpful to you, if very hard to do. Given you've got such a lot for this session, I wonder if it might be worth just knowing that, at the right time, you'll share it but that the right time might not be this week. I think it can be so hard to balance the desire to do the tough stuff with the need to pace yourself - your therapist can help you find the right pace but giving yourself permission not to do it all in one session might relieve some of the pressure.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Suzetig Thank you. Yes, I do feeling like sharing with her will help me as she is very insightful. I have given some thought about putting it off to the next session, however I will HAVE to tell her about it this week so I don't back out the next. This is why I will be telling her about me cutting and it will probably be at the very beginning of the session. My poor old T (who was not a trauma T and less experienced), I would come in and she would ask about my week. I would say "Okay I guess. I am just going to say this because if I don't now I won't… I cut this week" or was suicidal, or anything else.It just helped to get it out before I could think about it too much in the session. So I will tell her about the painting at the beginning of the session with the cutting and see how the session goes to determine if I wait or not.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so I had my session today with my therapist a little over an hour ago. It was a crazy difficult session. I am still feeling very shaky and "floaty" from it. I ended up not bringing the painting up and honestly we only looked at 3 of the paintings I've done this week (of like 20). I may bring it up next week not sure, she does know about the cutting though.

This has taken me 30 minutes to type, wow! That was the hardest session I have ever had...