I Feel Awful

[Justmehere]

I reached out to my therapist about a really bad reaction to a session and how it stirred up old sucidial thoughts. She and I both know it was a hellish session. It's been 5 days and there has been no response. I am really struggling every night. I'm distracted enough from the thoughts when I'm super busy and with others. When I'm home alone, I am enduring panic attacks that lay for hours (hyperventilating and etc) and sleeping very little. I worked a ton of hours this week, and while at work, I was anxious but ok.

I have been half heartedly thinking of going to the ER but I don't think they would do anything but keep me alive.

I just want to shut the world out. Escape.

I contacted my therapist again today, no response. I want to quit therapy.

Any suggestions on other options?

 

[amosmorris]

Wow, @Justmehere. I don't have a quick solution but wanted to respond and say how much I feel for you--I would struggle mightily with such radio silence. Does your T typically encourage contact outside of the session? Is this non-response out of character? I hope you get some more support soon. In the meantime--sending good energy your way--and hope the forum brings some comfort.

 

[joeylittle]

@Justmehere - I'm glad you reached out again. One would think that technology has made everything better, but the fact is, with so many different mechanisms now to get messages it becomes much easier for one to slip by. That's not an excuse for your T, just a truism.

There are a few possible reasons to explain the non-response that might have nothing to do with you - actually, it's almost a guarantee that the reason you've not heard back will have nothing to do with you - although it is affecting you right now.

The conversation to have with your therapist, will be about agreeing on reasonable spans of time for replies, and how long you wait before you reach out again, things like that.

Now, you just need to do what you need in order to take care of yourself. Do you have ways you can weather the storm over the weekend? Options for just keeping yourself distracted, and managing the waves of symptoms when they come?

How do you feel about crisis lines or crisis chats?

My therapist and I have something of a history now with missed calls - times he's inadvertently left me swinging in the wind. I can say that after every one, the opportunity to de-brief about it, and both address ways to make it less stressful on me, and the cognitive distortions that would fire off about being a problem, etc. There's also the bit about being angry and disappointed, and we've been able to work that through as well.

You seem to have built some trust with this therapist, so I'd give them the benefit of the doubt right now, focus on yourself, what you need, and put the communication breakdown on a shelf to deal with later, when you and she have re-connected.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere I'm sorry that you are stuck in this position. I think @joeylittle has some good suggestions on how to discuss this with your therapist.

Until then, I'm hoping that you can did deep, hold on and maybe delve back into good coping skills, some self care, good distraction or whatever healthy methods you can draw on to get you through this time.

Hang in there....

 

[NaeNae75]

I reached out to my therapist about a really bad reaction to a session and how it stirred up old suc...

Hey @Justmehere , I don't have any suggestions for you, but I wanted to comment to show you support. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I'm sorry you haven't heard back from you T yet either. I don't think quitting is the right thing to do though.

I would say Joeylittle had a lot of very good suggestions....I really don't have anything of substance to add, though. Just know you're cared for and supported! :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Hi Justmenow.

That sounds very painful.

If you safety is potentially threatened at present then please do go to the ER. Agreed too with Joeylittles suggestions.

You say being alone and not having any distractions is what is leaving the door open to these thoughts. Can you get anyone to stay with you for a few days or possibly stay with someone else?

Sending you much support.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, @Justmehere - how are you doing today?

 

[shimmerz]

(((((((justmehere))))))

 

[Justmehere]

It's like my heart fell through the floor. I completed a temporary job contract yesterday, and I loved doing it. That major distraction is gone. I have other opportunities to pursue and maybe shifting my focus to that will help, and maybe my heart won't ache so much.

It took all I had to get out of bed and get out the door this morning. I'm walking to a local farmers market with my dog. Trying to remember this too shall pass.

No word from my therapist. I'm a little concerned she might not be ok. Eh, she could just be on vacation too. She says out of session contact is ok, and that she will keep her boundaries with it. I avoid it like he plague. I've only reached out two other times to ask for an in between session phone call in 18 months of working with her and she told me when she could and couldn't call me. She encourages me to email her too and I usually email once a week - but I always write no response needed. We just talk about it in session. Sometimes she responds anyhow. I asked flat out if she could call me for a 5 minute phone call. I emailed, stated I was having suicidal thoughts and that I don't know what I need but asked if she could call me. 4 days later I texted, and then called with the same request and askes if she was ok. No response for almost a week now.

This seems very out of character to get no response at all. It would be more like her to say she can't call.

The thing is, I don't even know what I need anyhow.

My mind is beginning to spin and think she is going to dump me as a client, and that's why she isn't responding... but to her, she said at the end of the session it was a great session. It juts stirred up a hell of a lot for me.

 

[Justmehere]

If I can't stop the tears and the thoughts even for a few minutes to try to walk around the market, then I think I'll...

Crisis lines and chat feel super overwhelming at the moment. So many questions. Yet I feel like I need to connect with someone about this.

Not really sure what to do or at what point the ER would make sense. I haven't acted on any plans and I would go to the ER before I did.

I think right now I have to find a way to endure feeling awful.

Thank you so much for the support. It's a connection that is making it easier to breathe and keep breathing.

 

[Abstract]

Im really sorry its so hard. Its good you know when you need ER and feel you would do it. How about chat on here? Still can't do chat myself but it would be a way to connect.

 

[amosmorris]

If I can't stop the tears and the thoughts even for a few minutes to try to walk around the market,...

You're being so admirably tough, @Justmehere ...what you describe of your therapist makes me feel like this is some kind of big mistake that has nothing to do with you or your session at all: she dropped her cell phone in the toilet or accidentally erased her email account or there was an outage in wireless service or something...Honestly I am inspired by how you're pushing yourself and thank you for sharing your struggle here to work through this time. I look forward to the resolution. When you do go back to therapy (how soon?) I think a contingency plan is in order so you have a sense of what steps you can take to avoid this kind of communication gap. I do feel your pain and your strength all at once--and am certain others do here too. This would be a real source of struggle for most of us.