It's so hard, the emotions that come up in between T sessions. I think that's one of the reasons I ran from her. Because I can't sustain functioning in between sessions after talking about trauma.
I am on my 4th therapist for various reasons, but each time I have to tell my story and in between visits all of my symptoms are at their peak. This time is no different, actually this may be the worst yet. This therapist is better, I think, because she put more of the work in my hands, however, when I am in the helpless state I'm in now, it is hard to do things for myself or have any motivation. I am stuck. And I, like you, wish that just once someone would take care of me and tell me what to do step by step and just do what I would do for them if the roles were reversed. Holding my hand through all of this. Just once!
And I feel really silly feeling like this when I am going to be a 30 year old woman this year. I feel ridiculous that I can't do more than a few things a day and not even consistently.
I just turned 40 and a lot of days I am reduced to being stuck in a childlike/toddler-like state. I have separation anxiety from my best friend and some days just follow him around like a puppy dog. I have trouble with daily tasks or anything that I can't just put on auto pilot, like showering. I feel so helpless and lost most of the time. I don't feel like an adult and I feel like some abandoned child. It's so sad that at one point, up until about 6 months ago, I was strong and laughed all the time and had a career and was a perfectionist, but very capable. Now, I feel like I have nothing but pain and despair.
He makes me feel so much better when we talk about it, but then when he leaves for work again, I'm dead again. I'm dead without him. He is my only sense of reality and has been ever since I first got out of that relationship with the Sociopath. I have known my husband for 8 years. He knew who I was before that experience. But, when he goes away to work, I lose sight of myself and who I am. It's so difficult.
I am having trouble with this in similar ways with my best friend. He is the only one I seem to still connect to and the only one I care about and I feel that the more he sees me in this state and with my negativity and sadness most days, how honestly can I expect him to want to be around me etc. But he keeps showing up and he hasn't really shown me anything other than love and support and commitment, in spite of me and my feelings. He reminds me that I can't make assumptions about how he feels because I am usually wrong! Sometimes the distance I think I see or feel really is about him not knowing what to say or how to support me in that moment. It is so hard for the ones that love us too. But when he leaves, as I explained above with my separation anxiety, I feel weaker. I feel stronger when he is around. I can look into his eyes and draw strength and light from him. He is so instrumental in my life and healing and unfortunately that kind of dependence can't be 24 hours a day so I wait until I can see him again or hear from him. He is the most amazing man I've ever met.
I do too. PTSD can be very very lonely. No one can fix this for us and we are always in our head thinking, so much so that it hurts. I swear PTSD has a mind of its own and is the purest evil.
I feel so ashamed of myself.
I do too, I can't stand what has happened to my life and I don't even recognize myself any more.
I'm just in so much pain.
Me too! (((hugs))) to you!
I just texted my mom and my husband. I told them both that I do not want to live anymore. I told them that I would never do anything to harm myself because of my faith but that is how badly I am hurting. I told them that I need help. I do not have enough strength to do it on my own. My head is really bleak right now. I feel powerless but I am doing everything in my power to keep it at that. I know that I can but that is all I know right now. Nothing else is getting through. I can post. I can cry. I can text but that is it. I literally feel like I am trapped in a tunnel right now. There is a war going on in my head. I cannot feel anything but the pain.
Your first sentence says so much. You have your mom and your husband who love and support you. I hope that they can provide some safety for you to keep going. We have to get through this (saying that just as much for me as for you). I think we are stronger than the PTSD would LOVE for us to believe.
