I Feel Defeated

[abbynormal1929]

Hello,

As my title might suggest, I feel defeated. I have a masters degree in counseling and music therapy, and a bachelors in music. I only finished the 2nd one because my internship supervisor decided to pass me even though I had to leave for psychiatric reasons before I had enough hours. I've worked as a professional therapist for 2 days, after which I ended up in an emergency room for psychiatric reasons.

I work part time in the evenings washing dishes at a pizza place, so I have all day to work on music projects. I don't though. I go back to sleep for half the day, and watch netflix/and try to stay sane for the afternoon. The job itself isnt too bad, cause it does keep me occupied, the hours however, are killing me.

Most of this, believe it or not, is beside the point. I notice myself getting more and more timid, my voice getting quieter and quieter (litterally, and figuratively). I cant even tell if I'm getting into a routine, or getting into a rut/hole/oblivion, whatever you want to call it. Main point: I feel lost, and any attempt to find myself is met with intense anxiety/hopelessness/depersonalization... ect. I'm watching my setp daughter now and I cant pull my self away from this subliminal brain sync anti-anxiety recording (you need headphones for it to work).

any way, I don't know if I'm venting or asking for suggestions, but please reply if you like.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I cant even tell if I'm getting into a routine, or getting into a rut/hole/oblivion, whatever you want to call it. Main point: I feel lost, and any attempt to find myself is met with intense anxiety/hopelessness/depersonalization... ect...

I know how that feels 100%. I dont have any degrees, though, and my life is changing dramatically and I have no abilty to control whats happening and trying very hard to keep control of which way I go, though I feel a complete loss of control of all of it, keeping me feeling panicked like Im flailing in midair, and cant tell if Im aiming my life in the right way or not or if Im leading into self distruction.

Ive felt lost all of my life and Ive learned that "finding myself" is what ive been doing for 8 years in therapy. I felt close and then all hell broke loose on me and now i cant tell a "good turn" from a "bad turn" or 2 inches in front of me.

The way Im getting through is focusing myself. Ive learned that I work way better very focused. So the more focused I can become, the less "midair flailing" I feel. Not that that feeling isnt there, it is, but just less of it. I can focused myself on that one thing and start to gather smaller pieces and stack them in line staying focused on that one thing.

Not sure if that helps any. Im sorry this is all happening to you! :hug:

 

[Nevermore]

@abbynormal1929 how are you feeling now? I ask because this feeling comes and goes with me - the feeling of defeat. It's with me today
I'm never sure how to approach it, but Im starting to think that it's actually grief I'm feeling in those times, like getting overwhelmed with the losses.
I try these days to be accepting of myself no matter what, and some days I just don't have it in me.
When you said your voice gets quieter and quieter, I was feeling it like I sometimes feel there is no point expressing myself because I don't believe anyone can really understand, and that makes me feel invisible.
I was very close to someone once, I guess he was my soulmate in a way, but he was someone who always did understand and I would go from feeling totally invisible to feeling real again.
He is not with us any more, - still so hard to accept that...
but it makes me think this feeling is just like alienation and isolation, not being able to connect?? Because I know if he was here I could come back
Do you think it's like that for you too?
It's so easy to get lost in this world without that connection ..

 

[abbynormal1929]

@abbynormal1929 how are you feeling now? I ask because this feeling comes and goe...

It does come and go for me, deffinetly. I guess now I'm still in a position where I'm still just trying to get by from day to day, but some days my outlook is better.
Not sure if it's quite the same thing you're talking about, maybe it's similar. But I had a really tight group of friends at one point in my adult life. They were my family when my biological family left me with mostly negative feelings. But as it usually does, life happens, people scatter, and start different lives. I still one or two of them every now and then, and when I do I feel supported, amazing almost, but then we go forever without seeing each other again. And on the subject of feeling isolated, invisible, and unable to connect in my current life, yes I can relate.

 

[Nevermore]

Yea I think it's the same thing. Belonging.
And how to connect to that sense without the ones you felt belonging to being present - maybe just remembering is enough. Especially when you know it was real and true.
Am thinking for myself I think I need to honour that - the love and connection I've known that tell me I am not alone in my feelings.
Maybe I just need to remember that - for my own sake and for those others no longer here.
It's eSsy to feel alone and adrift at sea when you are not really connecting with anyone - but maybe that's a lot of the problem / no one sympatico anywhere near!
Sometimes that is a big ache with me

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug: