I Feel Hopeless, Depressed And Discouraged.

[Deb63]

I feel hopeless, helpless, depressed, discouraged. I have had trouble getting along with my teenage son and my husband. My son is being very disrespectful to both of us, causing us to react badly. My husband, who for the past few months, has been extremely supportive and helpful to me with my CPTSD, is now beginning to unravel. He is so depressed and upset about our son that he isn't able to support me that much anymore.

I am feeling very depressed, like I am completely alone and I am crying alot, almost daily. I have withdrawn and I never feel happy. It is affecting everyone around me. I feel like the worst person alive and that everything that is going wrong with my son is my fault. I feel like I have no purpose and I have been obsessing about my childhood trauma, spending hours surfing the Internet, reading websites about being abused or bullied. It has taken over my life.

I have neglected other things to do this. I know these things are important, but for some reason, I am completely driven to search for anything regarding abuse or PTSD. I am not dealing with the reality of now, just the past. I am not on meds anymore and I don't currently have a therapist. I know I need help, but I always put it off. Has anyone ever felt like this and how did you get out of this awful funk?

 

[mamachick]

Deb, I have felt just what you are describing. Those of us who have experienced childhood abuse/neglect-I think are very prone to feelings of worthlessness and depression when we feel we have failed as parents. I also think it is more likely that we will suffer feelings of failure because we have a high priority for being a good parent-kids interpret our beliefs-push our buttons-then we feel such huge disapointment in ourselves, leading to all these other emotions. Teenage years are definately the worst.

You can get through this. Why are you putting off seeing a therapist? It sounds like it is time. It sounds like your husband has become drained as a result of the situation and also needs to take care of himself. I know that there is so much information out there about your trauma but if you need a break from/are unable to do daily activities, can you at least spend some of that time doing something less depressing (watching a comedy or playing a video game). This is just a short term suggestion. If you dwell on this and are without a therapist, it is likely to continue to get worse. I am not suggesting that you avoid dealing with this, just that it sounds like you are punishing yourself.

I have been there and I am not all better. However, I limit the time on this forum and on thinking of past. I force myself to do something (often low energy) that is a fun waste of time, and some productive things around the house. I know it is hard to push ourselves at such times, but only you can do it, nobody can do it for you. If you can get your husband to participate in something with you, a walk, a movie, a board game, that may also be helpful to your mood.

I know its not much and dont know if you will find it helpful at all, but please call for the T appointment. I know it is easy to spiral down when we get in this type of thinking.

 

[thematrix]

You are not alone. You are a good parent, obviously, because you care. Try to go talk to someone to get out of the funk, its really hard to do it alone, for sure a therapist is a good idea.Dont put it off anymore. Just do it. Make that appointment.

 

[Darrell P.]

I felt very depressed and hopeless a couple of weeks ago, but after being put on meds my suicidal ideation has slowed down a little the thoughts don't come as often as they use too.

 

[tigrou465]

Dear Deb63 Presently I feel exactly like you. I have been in therapy for more than 10 years. I have taken many many sorts of antidepressor and I am receiving presently ECT (electrocho) treatments and nothing seem to work. But I don't give up cause I have 2 kids that are now adults. I can tell you that my son did give me a tough time. He was violent with me - he did hit me with golf stick. Even if I'm very down right now I don't want to give up... So hang in there, the sun will come out again. xxxx

 

[Pale Warrior]

Oh Deb, I have been there, frozen in the headlights, knowing what to do but not being able to form an action.

Guilt, fear, self loathing, worthlessness all binding me to the spot.

BUT it can get better, and I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but it can.

You have taken the first small step in finding this place, the next one will follow.

Pick up the phone and make the call, speak with your therapist.

Come on here and let it out, type and read. We will listen.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Deb, so sad that you are so down. I hope you can get back on the horse and get some help and support. You cannot do this alone by yourself.

Teenagers are really challenging. They are going through so many changes inside and out. And I hear it is the really healthy kids that manipulate the parents. This will pass.

But if you are not ok nothing will be ok. You have to get you into a place where you are ok. You are not alone. I remember my 2 kids when they were teenagers and they really put me through the paces.
They are only heathens for a short time and then they calm down. Better days lie ahead.

By working on your self you are creating a healthy change. Hope these words helped and did not hurt.

 

[woundedsoul]

I have two teen boys I'm raising right now one is a hellion at times, so I understand what you are going through. To have to deal with that and simultaneously feel you've lost your support person, must be really, really tough. Hang in there...thank goodness, they can't and won't be teens forever!

 

[thematrix]

Deb63, I hope you are doing ok, as well as everyone else on this thread.

 

[woundedsoul]

Hope you are feeling better Deb. I know this PTSD comes in waves and feelings/emotions of loss can overwhelm us. Just thinking of you. Take care.