I feel like my issues are too complex to recover from

[ninja]

The monster may not immediately respect your boundaries. He may test and test and get louder and louder at first, but if you can figure out what kinds of boundaries you would like you can firmly request he respect them. And you can continue requesting he respect them for as long as necessary. You can set boundaries, you just need to first figure out what those will mean for you. Do that part first and then focus on how to set them with the monster.

Do you like to color? Perhaps you can get a mandala coloring book and do some coloring, perhaps as a way to get out of your head a little more without being so confronted with the terrifying stuff. If you're used to being on your computer for most of the time you could try switching back and forth, between doing the things you are used to and coloring. I think at first the difficulty should come from having to change up what you are used to, not the things you are switching between, themselves.

I second the relational support idea.
I also think perhaps TV doesn't work because it's not engaging enough. What kinds of things are you interested in? If that no longer is obvious, what kinds of things would you like to be interested in? What would you like to be doing? Concretely. So, for example, rather than "I'd like to be able to have better executive function", what would you like better executive function for?

Sounds like you are okay-ish with the punching bag and maybe have one nearby. Maybe throw a punch at it once or twice throughout the day. Then recognize you did it and that little action was a victory against something that is trying to immobilize you. When you catch it trying to twist something around and stop yourself recognize there too, the victory and the bit of power you still have even through everything you've been through. Depression and anxiety are quite narrowing, and part of taking power back happens through expanding, in small ways. Celebrate the small victories, too.
Take really good care.

 

[ms spock]

It is really hard when you are snafued by a series of Catch 22s. I feel for you.

 

[Deleted member 39476]

Are you sure?

SELF by definition isn’t going to hurt a protector or an exile. It sounds like you have another protector in the way that is doing you damage.

If as you say, you are untrustworthy, then no wonder your system is in chaos. It’s your job to become trustworthy and calm the system so that SELF is at the wheel.

In therapy numerous times we have summoned up my "monster" protective part, asking him very basic questions like "do you know that I am an adult", "what do you need", "what is your purpose". The answers are usually no, none of my parts understand that I am an adult they are all trapped in time, they all need to feel safe and loved, sometimes more specifically things like "I want the monster to leave me alone", and the monster part's purpose is to keep me on edge all the time so that I don't get punished by my parents, it's an imitator.

I also think it may be wise thinking/considering just the meds for nightmares.

Definitely going to try that and see what happens. I really do hate psych meds but the difference between 24/7 stress and 16/7 stress is probably really big so I might as well see what happens.

Sounds like you are okay-ish with the punching bag and maybe have one nearby. Maybe throw a punch at it once or twice throughout the day. Then recognize you did it and that little action was a victory against something that is trying to immobilize you.

I don't really see value in this. The basic reason I'm afraid of doing things and interacting with things is because I'm in a constant freeze state, and I feel like if I interrupt that freeze state bad things will happen to me. Although external bad things do not happen, internal bad things do happen when I interrupt the freeze state. I don't see any real point in provoking that on a regular basis, to me a victory is getting to a state where I'm not constantly terrified of something bad happening, at which point I will probably enjoy boxing a bag just for fun and exercise.

 

[Nessa7]

What would you think of an antihistamine? They're often prescribed as an anti-anxiety medication, and your list of symptoms seems like a good fit especially with your obsessive-compulsive behaviors. I don't remember if that option has come up yet.

 

[Elef]

I have felt what its like to be living normally before, you don't have to build your life up an inch at a time, its not a constant uphill battle, its not baby steps. .

Yes, it is. When I was your age I was as unwell as you say you are. But I couldn't string together a written sentence let alone engage in an online conversation. I was also in hospital. Over and over again. One admission was for over 12 months long. Because I couldn't function. Over a decade later my life is finally coming together. I got here with baby steps. Baby steps forward and big steps back. Only recently has the suicidal ideation gone. Only recently am I actually grateful that I never completed suicide (I had multiple attempts).

I'm not sure whether you have some investment in believing you can't get better (maybe it is easier to believe that because you are struggling with the challenge of changing how you do things). I'm also not sure whether you have a very warped idea of what is 5% functional. Actually I think you do. Because someone who is 5% functional is completely unable to write the way you do.

I think you need a reality check to be honest.

 

[Deleted member 39476]

Yes, it is.

'

Nope. I have had the void filled before, I get 10 times more functional nearly immediately when it happens, and I wasn't even in great shape when that happened, just better shape. It might take 5 years of baby steps in therapy for that transition to happen, but it happens. Trying to learn how to basically live a normal life while at extremely low functionality is pointless in my eyes.

 

[Hojay]

You remind me a lot of myself a while back. Clinically depressed, hopeless, but alas, too smart for your own good. I'm a supporter on this forum and I don't have PTSD or DID, but I know a thing or two about suicidal depression and the many ways we hold investments in staying that way.

You are feeling hopeless about your odds for recovery and, no, you haven't tried everything to get better. There is solace and safety in hopelessness without having tried everything under the sun. Why? Because if we had, and failed, well then there'd really be nothing left. The only people scared of not having anything left are those who haven't given up hope.

I've had numerous therapists call me untreatable--that's how good I was at convincing myself and even them how insurmountable my issues were. Every suggestion, every attempt to explain, go deeper, change my POV or attitude, I politely, cunningly ripped to shreds and discounted. Until one brave therapist point blank asked me: "Do you want to be right or do you want to get better?"

I finally had to admit that I didn't know my ass from my elbow in this situation. In fact, I was being a self-righteous, ignorant little brat with a whole lot of hubris to believe I was the only person on the planet who couldn't be helped. (The self-compassion came later, but the anger I felt for myself in that moment was an engine.)

It was surrender, acceptance, and yes, mindfulness that were the cornerstones of getting me through the worst. And I don't mean mindfulness in the sense of sitting on a cute cushion and listening to my breath. No, learning and honing the laser-sharp superpower that is being mindful of who is speaking, what they are saying, and, most importantly, who is witnessing it all, that actually changed the wiring in my brain. Then comes learning not to judge or change things, but accept. It's one hell of a process. But only if one gets out of ones own way for it.

You have a strong "witness," someone watching all this, observing, and reflecting--or else you would not be able to speak and explain yourself on here as you do. There is always a way, there's always something we haven't thought of or considered. Always, without fail.

 

[joeylittle]

All of this logic you have seems to be based on the worldview that these things aren't supposed to make you feel better in the short term, but that's exactly what they're supposed to do, they don't really have any other value than that.

Not 'worldview'. Science. You really need to learn more about how the brain works. Try reading up on neuroplasticity. You're 21, if I recall correctly? You still have some strong influence over the development of your neurological function.

I get 10 times more functional nearly immediately when it happens, and I wasn't even in great shape when that happened, just better shape. It might take 5 years of baby steps in therapy for that transition to happen, but it happens.

So in the meantime you what? Suffer by choice? That's what you are doing, if you refuse to participate in your own treatment. Refusing to tackle anything that would start to turn you toward functionality. That is what you're doing, and yes, I understand that it pisses you off to be told that - but you are.

Trying to learn how to basically live a normal life while at extremely low functionality is pointless in my eyes.

Good for you. Again, that's a belief. Your choice.

You are seeing things as all or nothing. Classic cognitive distortion. Also pretty classic for your age level.

Whatever happened in the past, where you felt almost instantly better - the filling of the void that you are talking about, where you got 10 time more functional almost immediately...what brought that about? (if you wrote about it already, just quote it for me).

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you doing parts work outside of therapy?

If not, that’s a huge part of the problem IMHO.

You can’t work with parts for 45 minutes a week and expect anything to happen.

When I’m actively working with my parts, EVERY feeling or thought requires a check in with my parts, asking protectors to step down, and asking exiles what they need.

This is why I have to take breaks where I do no parts work aside from comforting for weeks on end. Parts get tired, too.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((@jameson ))) Here are some hugs if that's ok?:hug::hug::hug:

Being stuck sucks! I stay in bed WAY TOO MUCH...Just "sitting with you where you are..."

Forgive me if this has been mentioned, but have you had a full physical exam? With lab work? Hormone levels checked?

There is a possibility of something physical going on. Overactive Thyroid can make it impossible to relax, sleep, or breathe slowly. I am not sure about how low or high testosterone levels can affect you. Stress can cause overactive natural steroid responses (adrenal problems).

Possible sleep apnea, meaning you NEVER get restorative sleep. A body can't function normally.

These are just some ideas... PLEASE don't give up... Or...give yourself permission to give up for a day...You are only 21, smart, and worth WHATEVER it takes! (you have succeeded in not giving up so far... That's a win:))

 

[scout86]

To be perfectly honest, when my T brings up this "parts" stuff, it's one of the things that's guaranteed to make me roll my eyes. (Which always makes him laugh, which, in turns, rewards my behavior, but he keeps plugging away anyhow.) I'll concede that it can at least be a useful metaphor, so, once in awhile, I'm curious enough to read about it a little. I ran across this article the other day and it kind of reminded my of your situation. Maybe you'll find a useful idea or two in there. Maybe not. The article was more interesting than the title made it sound.. How to quit bad habits without willpower: 3 secrets from neuroscience

 

[ms spock]

Trying to learn how to basically live a normal life while at extremely low functionality is pointless in my eyes.

But this is magical thinking, if you don't put in effort to learn how to basically live a normal life while at an extremely low functionality then you are consigning yourself to a life of surfing the Internet and doing very little indeed. You are choosing a life of living at low functionality, even if that is not your belief or understanding. As my psychiatrist says to me, nothing comes of nothing, if you don't do something, then nothing will happen. Seriously I wish I could have got this one at your age, I could have saved decades of my life, (if I hadn't been retraumatised, and traumatised by other people/circumstances).

The neuroscience shows, that for males, that your brains down fully form in the frontal cortex until between the ages of 25-28. You have a lot of room to move here, you have a highly malleable brain. The rest of us do as well, but you particularly have an opportunity.

Every baby step adds up and up and then you have a foundation and then you have something to build up on.

There are literally 30 seconds of guided audio to three minutes to five minutes and all you have to do them is to listen to them.

There is the instant mindfulness page where you have visual and music to watch. You don't have to do a lot but you do have to do something to make some steps forward.

I think there was a point where I was very much like you.

And here you are talking so you are trying to work it through in whatever way this is, but there are no magical moments in therapy that radiate or transform your life. You have to do the hard work, just like everyone else, we all have to do it. Starting now is better than starting later. But if you start later, you start later, so then put in your full effort.