I Feel Like No One Can Possibly Understand

[mp2277]

I am in my 50's
My PTSD stems from early childhood abuse and rejection. It was taken to the next level by peer rejection in early grade school. I am not the best looking person but not a troll under a bridge either. I suppose I am Joe average. Acceptance is very difficult for me to accept and am always triggered by anything that even remotely seems like rejection.

I feel that no one in my life can or will ever understand me or my issues. My cognitive mind views my issues as childish and immature and that is how I feel my friends would view them and me. My heart however is raw and hurting. Coupled with the normal holiday stress I had a huge trigger a few hours ago and just want to crawl in a hole.

I'll put on my fake happy face though and go to a Christmas party and drink, smile and laugh the evening away, but inside I will be a shriveled dying mess. And no one will have a clue. And they would all view me as weird if they did. I can hear the voices now, grow up, get over it, deal with it blah blah blah.

I am not suicidal, but I really think I understand those who do that sort of thing. At least the pain is gone.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug:(((mp2277))):hug:
I am SO SORRY that you are hurting! It's NOT right, and it's NOT ok to be treated without love and compassion! EVER!!!

Welcome to the Forum... you have found a special place where we all understand how is feels to have been emotionally injured. Other people in our lives don't know how much our upbringing follows us...forever...

I know it's hard... but treat yourself WELL, because you DESERVE to be treated that way!

You ARE HEARD here, and you will find understanding and compassion. I am glad you found us!

Try not to be hard on yourself, you have had enough of that.

:hug:Hugs to you if acceptable ❤
AKJ

 

[Shortie]

I think there will be many on here who or on similar term.

I am not good looking but not ugly. Like you said it i am too am Joe Adverage. Joe Adverage isnt a bad thing.

My mother, sister and nan have disowned me and i dont have many friends. I dont exactly make them easy.

I used to get bullied, ive been abused ect. However, i get though. I try to prove people wrong. I set myself little goals, really little like make my work lunch ect.

I read good nice qoutes daily to make me feel batter.

Hugs x

 

[IMME]

I am in my 50's
My PTSD stems from early childhood abuse and rejection. It was taken to the next level b...

I hear you. I understand your issues. In my quest for wholeness I have very recently realized that because of my early life trauma I have become my abuser. I will be 64 tomorrow and I am determined to not allow this to go on. I will live the last 1/3 of my life in freedom and joy. I will not fake happy again. My trauma stems from being a victim of closed infant adoption. In the past 6 months I have been able to connect with others that have gone through it and they speak my language. I am on the right road. I will not only survive I will really live for the first time in my life. Am I there yet? No but if I continue to allow more of myself out to safe people I believe it is possible.

 

[ladee]

Here we do understand. Feels good and a little strange that people you've never met truly understand
Glad you are here so you can feel accepted without judgement.
At the party keep reminding yourself how brave you are that we are all waiting to hear how things went.
Be good to yourself
Maybe get some thing new to wear to the party. Or put a rock in your pocket yo touch to remind yourself you are not alone and we do understand.
Gentle hugs

 

[aut555]

I am in my 50's
My PTSD stems from early childhood abuse and rejection. It was taken to the next level b...

Sorry to hear of this pain you feel. Can you look at your accomplishments so far in life? By a certain age, it doesn't matter what you look like, but who you surround yourself with. People who support you and you hopefully support them. In the end , it's about our experiences, our passions, and finally our acceptance of us, with the warts, moles, that makes you truly beautiful. Sending a basket of self-acceptance and compassion this holiday season.

 

[Phantom Shadow]

I can truly relate to your story. I turn 60 next Sunday an this is the first birthday that has really bothered me. Anyway, I am a Army Brat went to 24 different schools before graduating from high school. Hated making friends because I would have to leave them. Was always the nerdy one in the corner an got picked on too. Was abused alittle bit by my drill sarge of a father but my main trauma was when I was in the Army myself and had to do Sniper things that I was not trained for. That made me paranoid when I got back an with my problems as a child amplified me into PTSD. I also hate any large groups of people. You are much better at it than I am as I will not go to Christmas parties as there is Alcohol there. Have problems with drinking an not a nice drunk. So I go to work and I come home. I stay in the house as it is my save place. MP2277 I also have the voices in my head all the time especially at work. I get along with everyone but if they knew what the voices are telling me in my head they would run. I have been passed over by junior in grade employees a lot an most likely it is because of my temper and the way I act at work. Hopefully you are seeing a therapist or have someone you can relate too. After almost 40 years I am finally going thru the VA PTSD program. I am hoping that it will make me a better person. MP2277 Just know there are others than know what it is like and they deal with the same things an hopefully you and I both can change those negative voices in our head to positive ones. LG.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'll put on my fake happy face though and go to a Christmas party and drink, smile and laugh the evening away, but inside I will be a shriveled dying mess. And no one will have a clue. And they would all view me as weird if they did. I can hear the voices now, grow up, get over it, deal with it blah blah blah

I do that all the time. Is it healthy? Probably not, but it's the only way I know to get through. If I have a choice to stay away, I will, but I've learned the actress role very well that like you, no one can tell any difference between myself and any other. I'm well received and welcomed into pretty much all the social circles I find myself. No one knows I'm shrivelled up and crying inside either. I hear you.

I've never attempted a suicide either although I knew I had the means. I too understand why people choose to end the pain. Just not the road I choose.

I usually take what people say as exactly that... blah blah blah... they speak from ignorance with no reference of comparison. I find that everyone is different and I'll never really understand why I have PTSD when so many others may have experienced so much worse and seem to walk away.

I agree with @ladee regarding the parties. I have a special white rock that I keep in my pocket. I reach down often just to feel it there. No one knows, except me and often that's enough to keep me grounded in difficult times.

Either way, it doesn't matter. You are who you are. You're beautiful with so much to offer. In time with help and support, your self-worth and beauty will again shine through.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I am in my 50's
My PTSD stems from early childhood abuse and rejection. It was taken to the next level b...

You will connect with a lot of people on this forum that are in the same position. We transition from good phases into bad ones and vice versa.
Furthermore, I meet people every day at work that lie about everything in their lives, and I mean EVERYTHING.

If you are hurting you may be seeking more social interaction to cancel out the hurt. But be gentle with yourself and be very very careful. Predators can pick up the scent of a hurting victim from miles away, believe me and they will have absolutely no problem with violating you over and over again when seeking interaction with others.
That is something that I have experienced, just wanted to connect to people, ask them for advice, or just be a part of certain groups. What I got in return were people who sought me out to confuse me and abuse me. To this day I have no clue why someone would go way out of their way to do that to a person who is just genuinely attempting to connect with people and to be nice.

All of the females that I know can sense that I am different then them and they are like heat missiles seeking me whenever I appear anywhere. Can not talk to people of the opposite gender without one of those dumb broads swooning in and acting like they love the person that I am just having a normal conversation with. That behavior is so outlandish and quite frankly would surely suggest a serious mental health condition, so I usually don't have many chances to converse with someone. The guys do that to, as soon as I will talk with someone else they interrupt and I just don't understand why they can not behave like normal people.

You are hurting because right under the surface there is your trauma and many daily situations will remind you of the trauma. My trauma of being stalked was intensified by additional predators who used my innocence in order to attempt to abuse me further, which was then magnified by their friends who followed me around and stalked me, while making up all kinds of stories about my life.

I just wanted to let you know that what you are experiencing is normal, every PTSD person is forced to deal with that.