Relationship I Feel Like The Dirty Mistress In My Own Relationship

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Well, I am on this rollercoaster. This is the part of the ride where I feel like vomiting.

Backstory (skip if you know it already): Met my vet online beginning of August - Long Distance. I will be moving to where he lives but currently we are about 800 miles apart. He was (is) amazing and everything I have ever wanted in a man. I fell hard and fast. He spoke and behaved in the same way and we both removed our online dating profiles with an agreement to get to know each other exclusively. I had planned to come visit him this week. At the end of August he said he couldn't wait another month to meet me in person and flew to me. We had a short visit (48 hours) but it was the most wonderful 2 days of my life. I put him on the plane and then WHAM! He went into zero dark thirty / blackout / withdrawn / incommunicado. He said he was dealing with stuff (his words to indicate his PTSD is triggered). He told me not to take it personally. I tried. It sucks.

Current Situation: Friday night I flew in to see him. He picked me up at the airport. He was not himself (which I knew because he's triggered) but he still hugged me and then kissed me hello. He drove me to my hotel (can't stay with him because of his kids - haven't met them yet - too soon). He got all sweet and romantic and we were together. It was nice. He told me he had missed me. I told him I missed him and that he had no idea of all the crazy shit that went through my head. He told me that he wouldn't tell me everything that has been going through his head. I told him I wouldn't ask him to. He had to go home because he had gotten a sitter to watch his girls.

The next day he was supposed to pick me up in the morning to get food (I couldn't get a rental car because my flight got in after the rental car agency closed). He didn't show and his phone was off. I couldn't reach him. I arranged a taxi to the rental car place to get one. The moment the taxi arrived, he texted me that his phone had been off and he had overslept and he was on his way *HEADDESK* I wanted to scream.

I made the executive decision and said to him "no, you have your girls and this is a big inconvenience to you. My taxi is here. I'm going to get a rental car." After that he didn't respond. At one point I texted him back to ask him to acknowledge that he had gotten the messages "he said he had but the girls were being a handful." That was the last I heard from him.

He told me we could see each other during the school week. His ex-wife will have the girls Monday and Tuesday so we can be together then. On the rest of the week we can "see each other every day" (his words) while they're in school.

However, he's zero dark thirty right now. My gut is telling me that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He was just being sweet and romantic when he picked me up from the airport because he knew that is what I would want. While I appreciate the effort it must have taken him, I don't like being placated.

How can we have a successful relationship if he doesn't show me the good and the bad sides of him? Are Combat PTSD sufferers so much in the Protector role? I don't want him to do or say what he thinks I want. It sets an inaccurate expectation. I appreciate the gesture, but in the long run it makes him into a liar and he is not one by nature.

Being told one thing and having actions do another is a stressor for me. I need truthful expectations set. So I have arrived and I got 2 hours of his time, resulting in sex and no real contact afterwards. So now I feel like a dirty mistress. I feel like the other woman in my own relationship. I would rather not have sex at all.

Also, he doesn't fight fair! I can't form a coherent thought when he's working his magic on me. He knows it too. I think he did that on purpose. Turned my brain to mush to ensure I wouldn't be able to think of any of the things I wanted to talk to him about. Mission accomplished Marine! Damn it!

 

[Charlotte Jones]

Some ones else's PTSD should not make you feel less of a person, ignored and abandoned. I have PTSD and I work hard not to put it on others in a bad way. You deserve better.. go home and let him deal on his own. Be there as a friend but nothing else because he is hurting you. You don't deserve it. .no one does. You can have PTSD and it doesn't give us the excuse to hurt someone else.

 

[watundah]

Youve only known each other a month? Sounds like a good time to take a big step back. Having PTSD is not an acceptable blanket excuse to be consistently inconsiderate, imo.

 

[Seasounds]

The above posts express my thoughts. And, maybe find some support to help you leave? An exit plan?

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he doesn't show up Monday, I'd question his motives. Some of this sounds less like PTSD and more like BS. Don't fall into the supporter trap of excusing all behavior as "it's just his PTSD...."

If he is stressed, that's fine and dandy... But he doesn't get free range to be a douche. Sometimes when your sufferer is being a douche it's not the PTSD.... It's that they are a douche with PTSD.

 

[Casey_03]

I think you should bail. This doesn't sound very promising. Also, I see a way of thinking here that I have noticed in many other posts by supporters -- you're way too sympathetic and forgiving. Some vets with PTSD are great guys, but some are so screwed up that this is just something they do -- begin flings with women just to try to feel something, to see if they can. It seems like it's easier for them to do this online, probably because there is more distance that way so it allows them to feel safe. But now that you're there in person, it's not so safe for him anymore; the fantasy is over and it's a reality he probably isn't ready to face. I don't know him, obviously, so I may be off. But I speak from the experience of having several friends - PTSD vets - who do precisely this thing. They meet women online and talk a good game, act like very caring people, promise to be devoted and loving, etc, but in actuality aren't completely sincere. So it'll last a few months and then they disappear and move on to the next woman. I don't think they do it maliciously; I think they are trying to force themselves to feel something. It's a distraction. I'm not a combat vet, but I do have PTSD and I've done this exact thing many times. So my advice would be to be less forgiving and stop trying to be empathetic because he has PTSD. Too many supporters see their sufferers as wounded animals that need protecting or healing, and they forget to protect themselves. Hope this didn't come off as harsh, this is just my perspective.

 

[nursenurse]

This has disaster written all over it. Time to step back and take a deep breath. Preparing to move to another city after only being together for a month, mostly on line, is pure folly. You have to think with your head, not with your heart, and certainly not with your loins. If you are feeling this hurt in six weeks, imagine a lifetime. You know nothing about each other. If this is everything you wanted in a man, you have low expectations for yourself. Remind yourself of the worthwhile woman you are, chalk this up to experience, and move on. He does not get a pass to be an as*hat because of PTSD.

 

[Sweetpea76]

his words to indicate his PTSD is triggered

which I knew because he's triggered

I just noticed this rereading this post. You really need to read this https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/ There is a big difference between being triggered and dealing with stressors.

So many supporters, and especially what seems like a lot of female supporters, fall into the trap of letting themselves be treated like this because their sufferer "can't help it." Like the guys who cheat "because of their PTSD", or the ones who lie. There are times, yes, when your sufferer will have some less than desirable symptoms and behaviors because they are stressed. They may lash out, isolate, or retreat... but you really have to question their ability to be in a relationship if they are using their PTSD to excuse outright dirtbag actions, like lying, cheating, exploiting you for money, using people for sex, etc. PTSD doesn't erase their morality. They still know what is right and what is wrong, and even if they have impulse control issues, they still ultimately make the decision to do what they do.

If you want to have a healthy, long lasting relationship with a PTSD sufferer, you cannot be a doormat. You are going to end up in a cycle of crap treatment and excusing/forgiving it all the time. He is going to continue to do it as long as you excuse it because it is the easiest thing to do.

One of the best questions to ask yourself is "Would I tolerate this treatment if he didn't have PTSD?"

 

[Pebbles5280]

I have to agree with everyone. It's time to bail, you don't deserve to be treated like that. Be there as a friend if you feel you need to do that but I'd be very careful not to let him lure you back into a romantic relationship.

Best of luck to you.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

@nursenurse While I appreciate your sentiments, please know that you don't have the full picture. To make it out that I am belittling myself based on one post is not ok. I know the kind of man I'm looking for and yes, he fits all of the criteria on every single level. The man that I met in August is/was everything that I have ever wanted in a man and more. That is not setting low expectations for myself.

I am new to the supporter role and my feelings are all over the place and I thought this was a safe place to vent, so I did. The man I was with Friday night was a different man than the one I was with in August - that is the PTSD. I am an Empath, and I have a heightened sense of empathy because of it - both a blessing and a curse. I could feel the difference in him the minute that I was within his presence. He is not ok right now.

I will not fault him for needing to get home to his kids, but yes, the sex followed by him having to leave made me feel like a mistress. He has never acted in a way that made me feel like the mistress, it was circumstantial. That is my own reaction, not something that he did. He stayed much later than he told the babysitter he would, because he wanted to be there with me and while my focus at the time of original post was on the sex, please know that it took up a small portion of the 2 hours. We did talk during the rest of the time, both before and after. Although undiagnosed, with all of the researching, I believe that I also suffer from PTSD, so I am not in full control of my own emotions and I get word vomit at times.

So, I think I need to clarify so that you, and everyone else on this thread, don't get the wrong idea.

Preparing to move to another city after only being together for a month, mostly on line, is pure folly.

I'm not moving for him or because of him. I'm moving regardless of what happens with us - I'm being transferred for work and went online to meet people in my new city before I move down. It is what I do whenever I'm about to move somewhere new. My work will have me going there for about a week every month or so (when budget allows) until I move and so I wanted to meet someone (or a few someones) in advance so I could have friends locally show me around and whatnot. Its a strategy that has worked for me in the past. In this case, I just happened to meet someone and hit it off romantically. It was not planned.

I hear what you're all saying and I did text and leave voicemails that this is not OK and that if he could speak to me Friday night in person and Saturday morning via text then he can figure out a way to communicate with me today. I also gave him an ultimatum... basically told him that either he meant all of the things he said or he didn't, but if he didn't, then man up and cut me loose because this isn't fair to either of us.

I don't think they do it maliciously; I think they are trying to force themselves to feel something. It's a distraction. I'm not a combat vet, but I do have PTSD and I've done this exact thing many times. So my advice would be to be less forgiving and stop trying to be empathetic because he has PTSD.

So if you meet a partner who wants to move forward with you and support you with the PTSD, you just play with them for a few months and then kick them to the curb? I would really like to understand the logistics of this. Or does it play out where they get so frustrated with your behavior that they leave you?

I am empathetic to the PTSD because I witnessed its affect firsthand. He is fighting daily against it and I admire that. He gets treatment, including medications that he takes daily. I slept next to him and felt him shake all night with night terrors, and I too have had times in my life (this year) where I was so overwhelmed that I basically disappeared and cut off communication with everyone in my life. His behavior is not different from my own. The difference is that he is fighting to maintain for his kids. If he can only interact to the level he has to in order to take care of them, who am I to add stress by forcing him otherwise.

This behavior is not permanent and yes @Sweetpea76 I did read that thread. He was fully triggered by something major, which was immediately followed by 9/11 (yet another trigger), and then with the addition of his ex-wife and me, you add stressors on top of a double trigger. He is struggling a great deal. I am walking a fine line between being supportive and pushing him over the edge with my emotional needs.

It seems like it's easier for them to do this online, probably because there is more distance that way so it allows them to feel safe. But now that you're there in person, it's not so safe for him anymore; the fantasy is over and it's a reality he probably isn't ready to face.

This is not our first time meeting in person. He and I have already been face to face and it was fantastic. We have a great dynamic together.

I have doubts because this is a brand new relationship and I don't know (and I, myself, have control issues - I don't like not knowing). I realize we don't know each other that well, but the interactions we had in August, as well as his behavior towards me in person when he came to see me in August, make me believe that there is potential there. I'm not trying to be a doormat and I do set my boundaries. His good days are worth it to me to try to get through these bad ones. I hope that makes sense to all.

 

[The Albatross]

I dunno. Knowing that he has children and it is too soon to meet them and this hooking up but when he had to leave to tend to a sitter and the kids feeling like a mistress... I think I'd zoom in on that. Smacks to me of unrealistic expectations, however kudos on getting a rental car.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

I dunno. Knowing that he has children and it is too soon to meet them and this hooking up but when...

Albatross. Yes, I questioned whether I was having unrealistic expectations too. Would you elaborate more on what is going through your head when you mention that? I am not ashamed of the hooking up. The connection between us is ridiculous. I am in a place where I am second guessing every behavior though.