I feel like there’s a monster inside me

[HealingInProcess]

That's not too bad. I've done worse than that. None of us is perfect and it's good to be aware of our darker tendencies.

 

[Cypress]

I'm feeling like there is a monster inside today. I just came to accept that while I was being abused by a pedophile neighbor, I was also abusing other children. The pedophile was also a pornographer and he would set up scenes with me and other kids or adults that he would film or photograph. I was told to do things to these other kids and I never refused even when I could see that the other kids were scared or crying. I remember I just felt mad at the other kids for crying about what we had to do.

It was hard enough to accept that I was a victim of a pedophile and now even harder to accept that I was also a perpetrator in some sense. I know I was a child and I want to forgive myself but I feel like I don't deserve it.

 

[Sideways]

I know I was a child and I want to forgive myself but I feel like I don't deserve it.

Children deserve to be forgiven for things they do, when they’re trying to do the the right thing, trying to do what an adult tells them, trying to keep themselves from being hurt even further. All children. Period.

Adults? Different story. Your adult brain is now able to comprehend that you are seperate and independent from the people around you, that not all adults are doing the right thing all the time, and that you can keep yourself safe.

Child you? Didn’t have any of that. Childrens’ lives depend on following, mimicking, doing what they’re told. And their brain isn’t developed enough to think independently.

Forgiveness is going to come from a place that understands that, and can apply child-standards to the child that you were, rather than adult standards.

Would you forgive a sexually abused child that was complicit with their abuser? If it was any other child? Start there maybe. “If this were any other child on the planet, would I forgive them?” Not “Was this an okay situation?” Just, “Would any other child deserve forgiveness?”

If you can forgive a child for being vulnerable in the way that every child is? Then slowly you may be able to do that for yourself...because you were as vulnerable as any other child in that kind of situation. Being non-complicit? Wasn’t an option.

 

[Cypress]

Would any other child deserve forgiveness?

You are right. This is the place to start, because I don't blame other children.

There was an older kid, maybe 11, who was also being abused by the pedophile. This kid is the one who first took me to the pedophile's house and was his enforcer over me and another younger kid, we were about 5 or 6. I was terrified of this big kid - I even internalized him as a perpetrator part. But you know what - I have finally forgiven him too in the last month. I understand that he was just acting out what was being done to him and he was scared too. I wonder where he is today.

I don't know why it's harder to apply that same compassion to yourself. It's like there is some underlying belief that while those children were innocent, I was inherently bad or something. Even though I know that this belief that I was born bad comes from being physically neglected and abused by my mentally ill parents and that it was their inability to protect me that led to the pedophile abuse, I can't seem alter it. With time maybe?

 

[Sideways]

while those children were innocent, I was inherently bad or something.

This is a textbook complex ptsd belief. I get it completely.

Logically, for me, every other child that ever lived or is currently alive was born innocent. Yet I can’t just apply that to myself. I was born inherently bad.

Shifting that takes time. Beliefs are slow to move. They will move, and insight is the first crucial step.

Where to from there? I don’t know. Still working on that myself.

 

[Gs172003]

You are right. This is the place to start, because I don't blame other children.

There was an older kid, maybe 11, who was also being abused by the pedophile. This kid is the one who first took me to the pedophile's house and was his enforcer over me and another younger kid, we were about 5 or 6. I was terrified of this big kid - I even internalized him as a perpetrator part. But you know what - I have finally forgiven him too in the last month. I understand that he was just acting out what was being done to him and he was scared too. I wonder where he is today.

I don't know why it's harder to apply that same compassion to yourself. It's like there is some underlying belief that while those children were innocent, I was inherently bad or something. Even though I know that this belief that I was born bad comes from being physically neglected and abused by my mentally ill parents and that it was their inability to protect me that led to the pedophile abuse, I can't seem alter it. With time maybe?

Do you place the same blame on the other 5 year old that you do on yourself?
Would you blame an 11 year old that you know now?
As a 5 year old an 11 year old seems so big. As a child an adult seems so unstoppable. You aren't to blame, the 11 year old isn't to blame. The only one that is is the pedophile. He deserves to rot.
The next step is to believe that.


I have a six year old granddaughter. There is no chance on Earth she could ever be responsible for anything an adult made her do. Nothing. The responsibility lies 100% on the adult.

 

[Cypress]

@Zoogal I agree with everything you say. I just don't seem to be able to apply that same compassion to myself. Knowing it isn't the same as feeling it. I seem to be stuck.

Logically, for me, every other child that ever lived or is currently alive was born innocent. Yet I can’t just apply that to myself. I was born inherently bad.

This is exactly how I feel. I hadn't thought of it as being part of complex PTSD or a dissociative disorder but it makes sense as they both begin in early childhood. I will keep hoping that the intellectual knowledge that of course I was an innocent child eventually trickles down to the emotional sides of me that don't feel that way.

 

[Gs172003]

@Zoogal I agree with everything you say. I just don't seem to be able to apply that same compassion to myself. Knowing it isn't the same as feeling it. I seem to be stuck.



This is exactly how I feel. I hadn't thought of it as being part of complex PTSD or a dissociative disorder but it makes sense as they both begin in early childhood. I will keep hoping that the intellectual knowledge that of course I was an innocent child eventually trickles down to the emotional sides of me that don't feel that way.

I know the applying it to yourself is the hardest part.

 

[Justmehere]

Ever hear of the idea of reverse pride? You may have fallen into it a little.

I used to do things to try to not even disturb air molecules as a kid. Thing is, the word doesn't center around me like that. You sister and your nephew's lives really don't revolve around him being pinched on the cheek too hard by another kid when he was little. You serve them far better by beginning to think of yourself as worthy enough to take up space in the world, flaws and all.

 

[Ronin]

It was hard enough to accept that I was a victim of a pedophile and now even harder to accept that I was also a perpetrator in some sense

No.

Its called double victim... Victim also made to perpetrate, which is an extra victimization on its own.
Not the same lair as a perp.

Even tho, I get this.... Tell that to all of them, right.

I have heckuva lot more to say about this, both when a child and that age that is some cultures childhood, some adulthood, so who even knows, but for starters, this.

You also might fetch drinks of your liking, Cy, because I can do Not your fault, here is why, pingpong on this topic all night.

 

[Maou]

Ah yes, the "beast inside" I think is far more normal than you think. Most people just do not realize it. I think those with trauma are more likely to be attuned to their instincts, than others. Animals, and humans, are not "polite" things. I do not think it is anything to be ashamed of. We do not choose our upbringing, and can only alter how we can conduct ourselves. Mediating what animalistic tendencies we have.

I myself feel demonic, a lot of the time. I do not feel human, with my thoughts and ideas. I feel a steep divide between me and others, based on what our realm of "normal" is. Me, coming from a childhood with no concept of trust and love, no sense of intimacy and or warmth. I feel like I was raised in the wild, and I had to become a wolf to survive. Yet I get frozen in the headlights, just like a deer when the time comes to finally act. I am not aggressive, unless physically harmed first. I mostly just think, about bad things. Too much thinking, in fact. I have over-analyzed existence one too many times. I have become cynical and jaded in many aspects.