I had a miscarriage and the d&c triggered me

[Roland]

I had an exceptionally traumatizing week. I was 15 weeks pregnant and very happy and excited to be pregnant, I had told everyone.

On Monday morning at 3am I went to the ER for severe bleeding and cramping. We were there until 8am. While there I had severe labor contractions, I was in so much pain. They did an ultrasound that showed the baby died at 9 weeks. So the baby has been dead inside me for a long time. They gave me morphine and said they couldn't schedule a d&c until later in the week and after I saw an obgyn.

Tuesday, we went to an obgyn and strongly stated that I wanted a d&c asap but on Wednesday called to say the soonest she could do was Saturday.

So Thursday I went to planned parenthood to get a d&c. They couldn't do strong anesthesia. They just did a local numbing and IV with fentanyl. I had passed out during the procedure so they had to wake me up and put me on oxygen. The next part was so horrible. They used a suction machine to remove the contents of my womb and I felt it vibrating on my cervix and that sensation absolutely triggered the crap out of me. I was crying and panicking. Luckily they were almost done and were able to finish. But I didn't expect it to be so triggering on top of everything I went through.

I'm a sexual abuse survivor and I don't know what all has happened to me. I just know I get triggered by things like that. If you've had a d&c that you were awake for did it trigger you?

This whole experience was horrible and I can't believe how little the medical industry cares about people. Since my baby had been dead for so long I was at a high risk for infection but they were okay giving me pain meds and sending me home to pass naturally. I never wanted to do it naturally, I wanted the d&c asap but that isn't convenient for them. They could only do it immediately if it was a medical emergency.

 

[arfie]

yowza! ! ! "a traumatizing week" sounds like a gross understatement! ! ! words are not enough to express the depths and widths of what you are going through.

steadying support while you work through the tidal waves. keep posting. it is allot to sort.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I am so so sorry, what a horrific experience to have to go through on top of an already traumatising time.

 

[Roland]

yowza! ! ! "a traumatizing week" sounds like a gross understatement! ! ! words are not enough to express the depths and widths of what you are going through.

steadying support while you work through the tidal waves. keep posting. it is allot to sort.

That's why it was an exceptionally traumatizing week

Thanks

 

[Movingforward10]

Gosh, I'm so sorry and second what others have said.

In the circumstances, I can't see how it could be anything other than triggering? Any invasive procedure is likely to be, and with everything else that procedure meant.
I'm sorry for the loss of your little baby.
I'm sorry the medical care forgets the social care and leaves wanting.
I'm sorry you had that procedure in less than ideal circumstances.
.sending care and healing.

 

[Roland]

The grief finally started to hit today. I feel like my heart is broken in a way it never has been before. Nothing I've ever experienced compares to this.

I was a morgue for this baby for weeks... over a month ... and I had no idea.

I wanted a d&c so bad, but the medical system thinks it's okay to send me home in labor, doped up on morphine, with a prescription for Percocets and just pass my month-long-decomposed baby at home. As the week wore on we got so many ultrasounds, one at the ER on Monday, one at the obgyn on Tuesday, and two at planned parenthood on Thursday. Every ultrasound showed my baby in more and more pieces, falling apart inside me.

At planned parenthood they gave me videos and educational information on abortions that kept saying when you get a positive pregnancy test you have three options: Abortion, Adoption, or Parenting. I CHOSE PARENTING WHERE'S MY CHOICE. It's such an idiotic idea. You don't have a choice, you're playing God. I couldn't even read the rest of the material after that.

But the nurses and doctor did at least switch their language to miscarriage.

Most of the week I was incoherent, I would speak and people wouldn't understand me and they would speak and I wouldn't understand them. Sometimes I couldn't speak at all. Planned Parenthood didn't want my husband there during the initial intake because they want to screen for intimate partner violence and whatnot but I needed him. But I was having such a severe anxiety attack at that point that I just held up my phone notes app and showed it to a nurse that said "I need my husband with me, I have a disability where I can't speak when I get stressed" and so they let me wait outside with him until they called us back again. My husband did end up walking out during the intimate partner violence questions and that was okay at that point.

At least my husband was in complete agreement with me about what to do with the pieces. On the way out from the ER I gave birth in my diaper. So I turned around and went to the bathroom and brought my husband in with me. Once I pulled down my diaper, I warned my husband that he might not want to see it and it's okay if he doesn't want to. There was tissue of some kind of birth pieces and we initially thought it was the fetus. My husband saw it and asked is that the baby?? And completely broke down. He immediately took pictures of what I passed. We just took a moment there with him crying and me still in shock about everything. Then he went to get me another diaper and he came back with a plastic bag. He tearfully said "I want to take him home" and I said I agreed.

Once we got home, I went on the toilet with the diaper hovered over the bowl to collect the rest and I passed more large pieces. This batch, I believe had the fetus. There was one that was the correct size and just looked like a developing baby. There's no real way to know though. It makes me feel better that that was the baby. 9 weeks there's no obvious human features yet, no limbs, no face, etc but yet it looked just like what was starting to become a human.

Both diapers stayed in the fridge until after we had gotten some rest. Then my husband went out to pick up my drugs, more diapers, and I called to ask him to also buy some dirt, a large pot, and a chrysanthemum flower. Once he came home we removed the pieces from the diapers and wrapped them in a muslin blanket and buried them under the flowers. That little ceremony was so cathartic and so beautiful and I just couldn't believe that my husband was doing this with me. I was happy he wanted to do this but at the same time I was just completely shocked because I thought he would think it was gross and that he couldn't think of it as his baby but he did.

I passed more pieces as the week wore on but none were so big.

All this made me realize that I should make my husband have medical power of attorney so that he won't be questioned me speaking for me, answering for me, taking and making calls for me, etc.

 

[Roland]

I ordered a necklace with a November birthstone as a way to honor this baby. Some moms do the due date but that seemed weird because the baby never saw anywhere near their due date. They technically died in October but I don't know when and I didn't know so I commemorate November instead. That's when they were born. I'm hoping it arrives soon.

 

[Friday]

Most of my miscarriages were mid/late term… and the entire process is gruesome.

In the country I live in now, it’s pretty much a silent horror… as not until you’ve had your first do you find out nearly every woman has had at least 1, roughly half 2 or 3, and a freakishly high number (at least it seems freakishly high to me, even though it’s still the smallest percentage of women) have dozens.

There’s simply nothing… culturally… that recognises the brutal & complicated thing that miscarriage (or still birth).

You might find some peace in Japan’s (and a big swath of SE Asia, but I grew up mostly in Japan) Practices & Rituals for Unborn Children (Mizuko kuyo). There are whole cemeteries devoted to them, as well as sections of larger cemeteries. They’re beautiful, colorful, and SEEN.

Warmth & Strength to you & your family.

Friday

 

[Friday]

I ordered a necklace with a November birthstone as a way to honor this baby. Some moms do the due date but that seemed weird because the baby never saw anywhere near their due date. They technically died in October but I don't know when and I didn't know so I commemorate November instead. That's when they were born. I'm hoping it arrives soon.

That sounds perfect / exactly right. They passed through this world? In November. November is when your heart broke, and you said goodbye, and decided to commemorate and remember them, rather than pretend they never happened.

It took me roughly 18mos with my first miscarriage to say goodbye, (rather than pretending it never happened) and that’s how I’ll always remember them. With flowers in the water at dawn, in the beginning of spring. Aloha, little one. I’m so sorry I never got to meet you, but I’ll always remember you.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so glad your husband and you have had that ceremony for your little one. It sounds heartbreakingly beautiful and I'm glad it was cathartic for you.

And I'm also glad you are starting to grieve. That's a good sign, even though so painful.

 

[Roland]

That sounds perfect / exactly right. They passed through this world? In November. November is when your heart broke, and you said goodbye, and decided to commemorate and remember them, rather than pretend they never happened.

It took me roughly 18mos with my first miscarriage to say goodbye, (rather than pretending it never happened) and that’s how I’ll always remember them. With flowers in the water at dawn, in the beginning of spring. Aloha, little one. I’m so sorry I never got to meet you, but I’ll always remember you.

Thank you

That's really interesting what you said about Asian culture rituals with unborn babies. I will look into it! It's so true that it's a silent horror. I know many women who had miscarriages and I was aware that it's common, natural, and horrible but I definitely didn't understand the depth, and I don't think I do yet. I wish it was better. A lot of my friends dealt with it on their own and said they felt so alone and that is horrible, yet they showed up for me. Though I do know American culture doesn't get grief in any way, shape or form. So many people just shove it down.

 

[Rose White]

Im so glad you have your husband and your ceremony sounds beautiful. You are handling this so well