I hate myself and everyone else should too.

[Ronin]

can you explain it in a different way?

Yep, and no prob :)

Ease up a lil on yourself, maybe?
Cause the way you are now may be just fine, you do not deserve that hate and harshness for just existing in the world, because it is not you who messed up, it is people that hurt you.

And it is okay to be, even if you absolutely hate your guts. That does not make you a hateful monstrous thing. (Also thinking that hate might lessen with time, and leave, if not paid much mind to, if looking at other things in your life that you enjoy doing, that make you feel good, that make you feel valuable and cherished.)

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks guys.

align your beliefs with the law, or retain your beliefs whilst following laws you disagree with?

Done this before, I keep my own beliefs.

It’s enough that I judge what they’ve done to be wrong.

Yeah, I think this is why I hate some of my perps and not others, some -only- hurt me, and some hurt groups of people. I find it easier to be angry that other people were hurt than I do that I was hurt. Even if it's an identical situation either way.

Yep, and no prob :)

Thank you, and sorry, I really am dense right now :rolleyes:

And it is okay to be, even if you absolutely hate your guts. That does not make you a hateful monstrous thing. (Also thinking that hate might lessen with time, and leave, if not paid much mind to, if looking at other things in your life that you enjoy doing, that make you feel good, that make you feel valuable and cherished.)

Thanks. And yeah, I keep going with life, and I have been trying to see my friends more and do more stuff with kids on my days with them. I still kinda feel like I'm faking being a non-hateful-monstrous-thing, but hopefully that lessens a bit after a while? Heh.

 

[Ronin]

I still kinda feel like I'm faking

... Some could call faking what in my corner is just learning and changing the way you view yourself (and change being a good thing)? (care)

 

[Sideways]

I find it easier to be angry that other people were hurt than I do that I was hurt.

This is absolutely a protective belief, right? For a long time, believing this would have kept your world making sense, rather than feeling completely chaotic and unsafe and illogical and...

So much of this belief structure is like that. For a long long time, we survive what we’ve lived through by believing “It was me, I’m the toxic one, I deserved it,” etc etc.

Those beliefs helped you survive. Your brain did a really good job at finding a way to get you through your trauma without your world completely falling apart. So, thanks Brain for getting me through.

Now? Those beliefs are no longer necessary to survive, and actually, because they’re so far from the actual truth (which you’re ready to deal with, without your world falling apart), they will gradually make way for more rational truths: it wasn’t your fault, and actually, you were an innocent victim that had no control over the unforgivable things being done to you.

It’s easier, while it’s happening and we need to find a way to survive, to believe that we have some kind of super-power that makes good people do bad things, or that “Yep, I’m the only child, out of the 6 billion people on this planet, that deserved their abuse”. I’m still working my way out of those beliefs.

But the process has definitely become less distressing and frightening for me, understanding that those irrational beliefs served an incredibly important purpose, and actually helped me survive something unsurvivable.

Hope that helps, even just a little.

 

[Chris-duck]

... Some could call faking what in my corner is just learning and changing the way you view yourself (and change being a good thing)? (care)

Thanks :)

This is absolutely a protective belief, right? For a long time, believing this would have kept your world making sense, rather than feeling completely chaotic and unsafe and illogical and..

Yeah, basically :shifty:

Now? Those beliefs are no longer necessary to survive, and actually, because they’re so far from the actual truth (which you’re ready to deal with, without your world falling apart), they will gradually make way for more rational truths: it wasn’t your fault, and actually, you were an innocent victim that had no control over the unforgivable things being done to you

Ready to deal with? I have some doubts :laugh: But yah. I get how it's self protective and a control thing to think it's all on me, and I get how logically it can't really be. And yeah, it's helpful to think it's normal and stuff, still hating on everything :laugh: But eh, at least it's normal and not just me? Heh.

Thanks :)

 

[Freida]

I know you can't see it ... yet. But you are doing some AMAZING work here right now. You are questioning your entire belief system. THE ENTIRE THING. Not yelling -- just making sure it sinks in :) You don't believe anything differently yet, but you are questioning it. Tossing it out there, letting others respond, actually allowing there may be a different way of thinking.
That is huge!!! I'm so proud of you!!!! ???
(and yep -- I'm gonna stalk you and say it over and over - deal with it! :laugh: ??)

 

[Chris-duck]

Hahaha. Thanks @Freida :p

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm not completely over self-hate. But there are things I'm doing that help see the distortion, and hence find another way of looking at myself that is helpful and useful for my healing.

One thing is notice how it feels when I hate myself, when I notice I'm on that spiral of self-loathing. How does it feel? Hateful, angry, resentful, disappointed, etc, but it also feels untrue. I mean, deep down, I hold myself in a high standard, otherwise I wouldn't be so rageful when the abuses happened, or I wouldn't have done what I did to survive. Those actions or lack of them, in order to survive, show self-appreciation, self-preservation. So I try to tap into that to dispute the self-loathing spiral. There's like a source of loving capacity, that is not directly aimed particularly at me or anyone else, just a capacity for love that I'm aware I have. When I attempt to direct it towards myself, I am hit with a backlash of all the reasons why I shouldn't. So I try to go around it, sometimes ignoring it, other times just disregarding it.

Thing is, all these feelings - the negative ones too - are valid. Being valid doesn't make them true or not, but if you apply the idea that it's okay for you to hate yourself, you're actually loving yourself by doing it. ;) Just a trick.

 

[Chris-duck]

Thing is, all these feelings - the negative ones too - are valid. Being valid doesn't make them true or not, but if you apply the idea that it's okay for you to hate yourself, you're actually loving yourself by doing it. ;) Just a trick

Heh, thanks Sietz :) I'll try to remember to pay more attention next time, I feel pretty okay about myself right this second I think so I always forget what things feel like when I'm not currently experiencing them :laugh: You're maybe right in the bit where I don't -really- hate myself the way I think I do (Weird sentence..), because I absolutely suck at coming up with reasons -why- I hate myself :P

Thanks for reply, and hope yer good :)

 

[The Albatross]

Okay so you hate yourself. A starting point. How do you cross over mentally to the "and everybody else should too" part?

 

[EveHarrington]

“I’m bad” is likely a core belief.

Who/what are your protectors? ie thoughts/beliefs/feelings that defend the “I’m bad” notion.

It can take time to figure this all out because you most likely have multiple layers of thoughts/feelings that surround/cover/protect the “I’m bad” belief. It might be an exercise for therapy, or at the very least a dive into self help IFS.

What helped me the most though? Drugs. I’m serious. My mind is so fcked up that I do believe in the chemical imbalance stuff. Specifically, when my norepinephrine and/or dopamine got a boost. (I’m on an NDRI.) Now instead of my “I’m bad” thoughts being locked away in fort Knox, it’s just kind of sitting there passively, only rearing it’s head when I’m paid a compliment and think “I don’t believe that”. ie, much easier to fight/deal with now that it’s not embedded in bedrock.

 

[Chris-duck]

Sorry @The Albatross and @EveHarrington I don't mean to ignore your replies. Having a hard time just now. I'll come back and reply and do appreciate you replying. Don't want you to think I'm dismissing you. Hope you're both good