Hey,
@Smiles... I know for certain sure there's a light at the end of the funnel (Ha! That's a typo, but I like it ;)), Not a hope or dream, I've gotten better before/ I'll do it again, and I've
still been suicidal at least part of most days for the past year and a half. I don't talk about this much... But I spent about a few months this past 18mo with my suicide note written in sharpie on my calf. Just because my version of suicide tends to be messy, and painful, and I don't want anyone else blamed for my death but me. This stuff? It's not logical. And it's so
f*cking painful , and even knowing all I know? When I'm in the middle of if? I just want to die. To not be here anymore. To stop fighting.
People say their kids keep them, or their family, or pets, or whatever... But when I'm not just struggling with ideation? I don't give a f*ck. Not in that moment. Nothing binds me. Hell. Even about 1/3 of the time when I
am struggling with ideation, I DGAF. None of it matters. Not that I love people, not that other people love me, not that I
know this is all temporary. Nothing else matters.
If this were a new thing, I'd be more worried about myself. ;) But it's not. Ive been here before. I've lived in the dark a very, very long time.
The first time I went through this, I didn't know jack. I reached my capacity, and spent the next 5 years actively trying to die. Came out the other side purely by dumb luck, and still struggled from time to time over the next decade. A blessing in many ways, because I got to learn. The distance taught me. The good times taught me. So I know, now, that I have to set up safety nets for myself for when I get like this. Because the things that
should matter (and I rarely use that word), stop mattering when I want to die. For
me... The biggest safety net is translation.
Doesn't mean it will be yours, too. It's also not my only safety net, by far. People who love me, people I love, a pair of handcuffs, knowing the ER has a shot of Valium to jab me with, promises to keep, things I want to do, I quite literally have dozens of safety nets and action plans between me & my death.
I get angry at my safety nets. I hate that I have custody of my son one week, or that I put my dog in my car with me another week, or that I haven't nuked a relationship that will hurt them if I off myself, or, or, or.
I still put the damn things in place.
Because ideation? I'm still fighting to live. Even if I'm angry at my safety nets. Once I hit actively suicidal? Pfft. Not a safety net in the world strong enough. I know this. I've been there. My safety nets will
not prevent me from offing myself. What they do? They buy me time. That's all. They buy me time to get my fight back.
What buys you time?
Hint : They are usually the things that piss you off the most, and that you actively avoid, the more you want to die.
