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Deleted member 34535
I have a difficult time when I allow myself to get soft-hearted.....wishing things were not as they are. When I sit quietly and begin to list all of the rotten things that life has served me, I have a difficult time keeping myself grounded in reality. When I list these things, if they sound like BS to me and I am the one who has lived these things, then I figure what must they sound like to someone who has lived what one might consider a normal life, whatever normal is. I have my medication at a nice happy medium that I know my chemistry is at a good level.
I work 6 days a week, and I thank God that I am able to work because I know that it is work that saved my life. God showed me work at a very tender age and said it was the way out of the hell I was living. And I listened to him and he was right. I have always done physical work that allowed me to burn off anxiety. Unloading trucks with thousands of pounds on them relieved the pressure of the out of control anxiety I was dealing with on a daily basis.
I have never done illegal substances with the exception of marijuana at the age of 18. I used marijuana 4 times within the course of one month. The final time I used it I was on a Party Boat at a Company Party,. I had a few drinks, and shared a joint with one of my friends. At the end of this, I did not know where my feet were or if I even had feet. That was the last time I used marijuana. My poor brother had a drug addiction his entire life. We were both dealing with the after-effects of child abuse. Work was my drug of choice. A full-time job. A side line moving gig. A side line lawn gig. Prospecting for moving and lawn jobs in the evening. My brother started with a cocaine addiction. Then he got married and could not live the coke lifestyle. So he went on to RX Drugs. This along with the mental health issues connected to the child abuse we were both dealing with proved to be fatal. He committed suicide over 4 and 1/2 years ago in a hideous manner.
I do my best when I think of life as an MMA Match each and every day. As long as I stay tough, I am ok. The very minute I start feeling like, "I wish my life was different, it's not fair." There is nothing about life that is fair. It is what it is. I just have to grow a set and deal with it. I am beginning to realize that there is very little chance that I will ever be totally free from this scourge that was laid upon myself and my brother. Realizing this and accepting it will do me well in my recovery. I will never be what society calls normal. But I can be just me, and I guess that's ok. Blessings to everyone.
I work 6 days a week, and I thank God that I am able to work because I know that it is work that saved my life. God showed me work at a very tender age and said it was the way out of the hell I was living. And I listened to him and he was right. I have always done physical work that allowed me to burn off anxiety. Unloading trucks with thousands of pounds on them relieved the pressure of the out of control anxiety I was dealing with on a daily basis.
I have never done illegal substances with the exception of marijuana at the age of 18. I used marijuana 4 times within the course of one month. The final time I used it I was on a Party Boat at a Company Party,. I had a few drinks, and shared a joint with one of my friends. At the end of this, I did not know where my feet were or if I even had feet. That was the last time I used marijuana. My poor brother had a drug addiction his entire life. We were both dealing with the after-effects of child abuse. Work was my drug of choice. A full-time job. A side line moving gig. A side line lawn gig. Prospecting for moving and lawn jobs in the evening. My brother started with a cocaine addiction. Then he got married and could not live the coke lifestyle. So he went on to RX Drugs. This along with the mental health issues connected to the child abuse we were both dealing with proved to be fatal. He committed suicide over 4 and 1/2 years ago in a hideous manner.
I do my best when I think of life as an MMA Match each and every day. As long as I stay tough, I am ok. The very minute I start feeling like, "I wish my life was different, it's not fair." There is nothing about life that is fair. It is what it is. I just have to grow a set and deal with it. I am beginning to realize that there is very little chance that I will ever be totally free from this scourge that was laid upon myself and my brother. Realizing this and accepting it will do me well in my recovery. I will never be what society calls normal. But I can be just me, and I guess that's ok. Blessings to everyone.
