I Have Never Tried To Kill Myself But I Have Thought Of It.

[tuliptree]

I have thought of suicide many times, sometimes more seriously than others. There have been numerous situations where I feel like I don't belong or know how to act or what to say or have painted myself into a corner by my words or actions and I have thought "I know what I'll do, I'll kill myself when I get home." It seemed like a solution although "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Reading the guidelines on this forum about suicide reminded me of an ad for a radio story about a girl who posted on Facebook that she either was going to or wanted to kill herself, and none of her friends responded. At first I thought that was horrible, then I recalled situations with a few people who have been suicidal. I could no longer be around them because of the emotional roller coaster and turmoil, and also because it brought me down.

That may sound horrible but I think my instinct for wanting to live kicked in. I still think about it but they are just thoughts at least so far. Sometimes they are somewhat fleeting and sometimes they are more indepth, depending on the situation and my survival skills. I have more tools now than I used to except for when I travel for my job. I have a really hard time getting along with other people. Just today at lunch I was sitting back in the conference room with a bunch of women I work with. I hate having anything to do with them but it's not personal with them, it's me; they seem to get along relatively well with each other. I've been like this all my life. I'm often argumentative, domineering, controlling, and very unpleasant to be around. I said one thing and felt like I was shot down; then I remembered why I don't like eating back there anymore. I think I'll stay away - it makes me less miserable.

 

[anthony]

I would say, well done that you are right on the money with your thinking. The thoughts are normal when depressed, so talking about them is suicidal ideation and you can get through them. As you also stated, when you get too bad, then you drag others down around you. Recognition is half the battle... when to ignore, when to seek local immediate help, etc. You seem to have this sorted out and quite under control Tulip, so well done.

I had them for two years of my life whilst taking anti-depressants... the moment I stopped taking them, I stopped wanting to kill myself. Go work that one out!!! The irony of medication. But for some they work, many they don't.

You really nailed it with personal techniques and mental tools that you need to be equipped with. Really excellent work on your behalf for learning and applying within your life to manage your depression.

 

[leanne1321]

Tuliptree,

I couldn't agree with Anthony more.

I on the otherhand, have made a few attempts which I am sad to say. I've recently come out of a bad suicidal stage , where my children were the only thing keeping me clinging to life and I know without a doubt, if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be here today.

I'm stable at the moment, but I'm indifferent to death. If I were to die, maybe a car accident or something, it wouldn't bother me, but I've always felt that and I think it has something to do with that at 1 point in my life, I was so sure I was going to die and I wasn't scared. I just remember the grief I felt for those that I loved and how my death would affect them.

The fear came before, when I knew I was in trouble and after, when the shock wore off and I realised I was lucky to survive with only a few cuts and bruises.

 

[Icon Nikon]

Can't say it any better than Anthony did...or Tulip...

However, as I sit here in the hospital with oxygen sat in the low 70s (not good), I too have had the ideation enter my thoughts all too often. And with a motorcycle, it is all too easy to succeed :).

But in those moments, when all I can see is the worst in me (real or not), I always seem to also say "it could be even worse on the other side (and then what would I do)"? Not to make light of a pretty seriously dark and desperate place, but I learned early on while locked alone in the basement, that sometimes all we have control of is our ability to laugh in the face of such darkness.

Like now!
Alex

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

"a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

That is an excellent way to look at suicide, I think. This does not mean that I have never been suicidal. I have and it comes and goes. Thank you for sharing your techniques and wisdom!

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

my children were the only thing keeping me clinging to life

I am glad that you found something to cling onto and I am glad that you are still here. I think any of those tricks or skills in moments of need are useful and great. My service dog has played that role a number of times. Lately, having a number of friends and my mom being diagnosed with cancer it changes my perspective on suicide. Seeing so many people fighting to live, makes me think twice about wanting to throw mine away. That of course does not decrease the pain, but decreases my risk significantly.

Thanks to therapy my dreams for the future and plans are blooming again, which helps even more in the long-term than the temporary band-aid of living for someone. I am aware though that it can change and in a way, feel grateful that I have experienced being suicidal because it helps me understand people better. I don't think it is possible to imagine what it feels like to be that desperate. What I have learned has taught me to be compassionate with people who are suicidal, who have attempted suicide, or have completed suicide. I cannot be angry with someone because that desperate decision is not lightly made.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

sometimes all we have control of is our ability to laugh in the face of such darkness.

Thank you for sharing this lesson! I am going to keep your wisdom in mind. I am very very happy that you can still laugh despite everything you have experienced lately and continue to experience. You are one brave woman whom I admire very much!

 

[Tinyflame]

Lately, having a number of friends and my mom being diagnosed with cancer it changes my perspective on suicide. Seeing so many people fighting to live, makes me think twice about wanting to throw mine away. That of course does not decrease the pain, but decreases my risk significantly.

What I have learned has taught me to be compassionate with people who are suicidal, who have attempted suicide, or have completed suicide. I cannot be angry with someone because that desperate decision is not lightly made.

This was my experience also- seeing the bravery- but then somewhere 'my wires seemed to get crossed'- I think I just started to outlive everyone, or something.

I sometimes wonder if there are 'different' types of scenarios, re: SI, such as depression, dissociation, abuse etc.

 

[blueangel371115]

Thank you for the reality check. I needed that as I've been slipping lately.

 

[Icon Nikon]

Protective Hugs for blueangel!! We are here, whenever you need us or as you say "another reality check"!

Alex

<It is not necessary to quote the post directly above your reply. Thanks Amethist>

 

[Oberons Wife]

I stay alive as my son needs me to. I have promised myself I will stay alive until he leaves college. But I went to the Doctor about something or other, never imagining a cancer scenario and before I knew it was having a cancer removed.
It seems unfair as there are so many people who want to live and I don't. I thought about asking the Doc to leave enough cancer to give me say, three years.
I completely agree with Leanne. I thought I would be killed as a child, then as a young woman I was in the same situation. He said he was going to kill me. Then, when that threat no longer held any fear for me, he said he would kill my brother. He would tell me how in great detail.
I haven't learnt how to expect to have a future. But my suicidal expectations disappeared when my son was born and now I found they slowly return as he needs me less. I've nearly completed my task.
Not wanting to cause any pain for anyone, the return of cancer seems like an easy way out of the situation.
I am starting on a course of therapy, so it'll be interesting to see if I can change this perception.

 

[Icon Nikon]

Dear OW,

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you, since 5 weeks alone in the hospital has worn me down as well. All I can say is that I truly feel for you, but just because your son needs you less doesn't mean that he loves you less or that he doesn't need you at all. He is starting a new leg of his journey and I think he would suffer greatly if you were not there to walk with him.

I know many would say that you need to find your own inner reason to battle on and live, but I also recognize that as human beings, and specifically when in great physical and mental duress, we have a basic need to be needed and that that need can temporarily propel us forward. Let your son and us be there for you and let your son's new journey and pain of losing you, his mother, sustain you and guide you to healing your life.

There is nothing easy about any of this, but I implore you to use that love you feel for your son to fight the cancer and past demons to be around for both of you. The tides can and do change when we least expect them to. Please give yourself a chance to be there when they do.

Warmly holding you in my heart,
Alex