I Helped Someone- Why Do I Feel So Bad?

[angel2write]

I was driving my student home today & accidentally passed her exit. Drove up the on-ramp for the next exit & there was an elderly woman standing beside her van with the hood up.

After thinking about it for a moment (I was already having a rough day, but it was cold and raining and no one else was stopping) I pulled in behind her. She told me that she was a cancer patient. Her car died at the light. She was on her way to pick up her medications to help with side-effects from the chemo (one arm was terribly swollen) and then pick up her grand-daughter from school.

My student and I got her car pushed off the road. A man on a bike helped because it was uphill and we were having trouble. She got in her car and we got the number for her kid's school, got the school notified, got someone to take the kid home. Then more calls. My student's mom is a dispatcher for a repair service and got a couple guys in a truck to come jump her van. We called a friend of the stranded woman's to come and follow her home. While she waited for the guys to come jump her van, I took my student to pick up her meds.

When we got back with the meds, they had her up & running again & the person was there to follow her home. All was well. Happy ending.

I did something good, so why do I feel so scared and miserable and like I did something really, really wrong? I had to stop and call my husband because I was panicking so bad I could barely drive. I keep feeling like apologizing to everybody. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry and I'm not even sure what I'm sorry for!

I feel like an idiot. Why is this happening to me?

 

[Innordinate]

I think you shouldn't feel bad or like an idiot.
why you do.. sorry.. don't know.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Angel,

When I feel like this, emotions that do not fit into the present situation, I know that "something" triggered them. Here are a few things off the top of my head and they may or may not be relevant, but hopefully they'll help you.

1. Where you ever in "trouble" for being late in the past?
2. Did you ever have a vehicle break down that resulted in a bad experience?
3. Were you ever in a situation where you wanted to help, but someone prevented you?

Angel, you really did a wonderful thing today. That act of kindness is what the world needs a whole lot more of. I hope you can figure out what is making you feel bad, so you can let it go and feel good.

Deb

 

[jeeps for now]

This happens to me also. I had a history of being blamed for intending to do things right.

 

[Heather]

I've felt like this way too. I've done nice things and all I've ended up feeling was exactly like you described: PANICKY AND BAD! It's awful to feel that way.

I think Deb hit it correctly by asking you to think back and try to connect with what you're feeling today with past events.... And see if there's a connection. Especially since there is such a disconnect.

I hope it helps to know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

Hugs. Heather

 

[OKRADLAK]

I understand. It is weird that PTSD can make good seem bad and bad seem good. This I do NOT understand, but I am very aware of it.

 

[angel2write]

Hi Angel,

When I feel like this, emotions that do not fit into the present situation, I know that "something" triggered them. Here are a few things off the top of my head and they may or may not be relevant, but hopefully they'll help you.

1. Where you ever in "trouble" for being late in the past?
2. Did you ever have a vehicle break down that resulted in a bad experience?
3. Were you ever in a situation where you wanted to help, but someone prevented you?

Actually, all three. I'm amazed, Deb! How did you know?

1. I got in terrible trouble one time for being late because of car problems and running around to lots of places to get it fixed.

2. I had a vehicle break down that left me stranded at night in a bad situation on an interstate at night and NO ONE would stop to help me and I was terrified that someone bad was going to stop.

3. When I was about sixteen and headed to piano lessons, we saw an elderly man whose car had slid off the road who was struggling to even get out his door and get out of the ditch. It was raining, and he had no one to help him, and my mother ignored me when I asked her to stop. She totally didn't care. I felt guilty about that for months.

I didn't think about any of these things triggering bad emotions because none of them were technically "traumatic," just things I had bad associations with.

 

[The Albatross]

"bad associations" can be enough for me to compulsively pick apart what occurred afterwards. I am trying, though to learn to tell my inner critic to shut the f' up and keep the focus on the favorable outcome. I think my pattern of negativity comes out to play and is a form of "self sabotage". It has improved some, and I still have these periods, but they aren't as strong, and don't last as long.

It is more helpful for me to view incidents like yours and the way you felt afterward, as a "mile marker" of where I am and where I need to grow.

 

[anni]

I think I feel this way only because I don't like even slightly acknowledging that I might have possibly done something 'good' or 'nice' for anybody.' Not like' is an understatement- I can't, it's flatly impossible. I've had this same reaction also, and everyone really, really is different but with me I at least have been able to put my finger on the fact that my head is screaming at me in response to thinking any sort of 'good' thought about myself. It's much more comfortable in it's usual state of incompetance and self loathing, and isn't about to allow the fact that there's some correct thinking for one's fellow man going on in there. Perhaps it would be helpful to begin with trying to talk yourself into absolutely knowing you did the 'right thing'? Of course you did, but when conversing with the dam PTSD it's like speaking to a deaf rock sometimes.

You made someone's awful day so much less hideous than it could have been. Maybe you were sort of sent to do so so, too, who knows?
If there's such a thing as karma, I'd be looking for a large box of Godiva chocolates somewhere.

Anni

 

[angel2write]

Perhaps it would be helpful to begin with trying to talk yourself into absolutely knowing you did the 'right thing'? Of course you did, but when conversing with the dam PTSD it's like speaking to a deaf rock sometimes.

(laughing) Isn't THAT the truth! :laugh:

 

[intothelight]

Actually, all three. I'm amazed, Deb! How did you know?

Hi Angel,

That is the beauty of this forum, and I think Annie coined the phrase..."the furniture in our head is arranged in the same way". Whenever I read, even though the background trauma is different, the effects, symptoms, thought processes, negative self-talk, and negative self-image hit a resounding note. We are all in this together and together we can help each other. That is how I know; I am there with you.

(((hugs for all of us)))

Deb

 

[angel2write]

That is the beauty of this forum, and I think Annie coined the phrase..."the furniture in our head is arranged in the same way". Whenever I read, even though the background trauma is different, the effects, symptoms, thought processes, negative self-talk, and negative self-image hit a resounding note.

Deb (or whoever else wants to answer),

Forgive me, but I want to ask another question about this. None of the things I listed above (seeing the old man, getting stranded on the highway) were particularly traumatic. And yet, put in a similar situation, I over-reacted and panicked much like I would have getting hit with a trauma trigger.

What does this mean? Does this mean that my threshold is just generally lower? Any kind of bad remembrance or bad thought can over-stress me? Honestly, I don't think it was negative self-talk this time (not that it isn't often) but this time I knew it was a good thing to do, I kept trying to tell myself it was ok... and I still over-reacted.

Am I asking stupid questions? I mean- I had just kind of built up a mental idea of how this is supposed to work, and this kind of messes up my theory. Getting triggered into a panic attack by something not linked to a particular trauma. I didn't realize that was possible.

Do you understand what I'm asking? I hope so, because I'm not sure I'm making sense.