I Just Ended The Relationship With My Father

[Philippa]

It is hard when the magical thinking takes hold and you think if you go back it could be better now. It is good to think these things through rationally and without disordered thinking.

Just read through this old thread, and these words ring true for me at the moment too, though the pangs have subsided in the last day or so. It's really hard stuff, battling all that programming. I guess it will never quite go away, but it might be less often in between pangs the more the years pass?

I gave myself permission today to tell myself how brave I am for doing what I did, and I can see that in you as well Ayesha. Allowing myself to feel the occasional bout of guilt, knowing that it is programmed into me as a tool for control by them if I step out of line and my decided role, so I do not need to believe it is true, because I am not responsable for their behavior. I am only responsable for my choices and decisions to be healthy and do whatever it takes to preserve that precious mental health.

 

[Philippa]

It has now been 2 years exactly 4 days ago. I almost never think about him. I did the right thing.

Wow, I hope I can get to that point. It was scary to feel that he was fading from my mind, and I think about him most days at some point, which is torturous. I get the feeling he has actually died, and no one has told me. My phone died too, so they wouldn't be able to, though email is still an option...but not even my brother has contacted me since I told him I would leave straight away if he starts being mean to me the next time I see him.

 

[Philippa]

I have done this Ayesha and don't be surprised if there is no backlash..... backlash is more likely to occur if someone believes you are wrong and wants to fight you. You might find someone on the end of your email is actually trying to digest what has happened including their loss of control and power. As that is what you have done. You have taken back your own power and set a boundary... the rest is up to him.

This was really helpful as well Nicolette. I've been kinda wondering why no one has shown up at my door, or thrown more attacks at me since, though my father did try a number of sneaky ways to get me to come back, like going through my mother mainly and getting her to manipulate me, or try to. My brother, who is my fathers mini-me also was trying very hard to patch things up and keep contact before I blocked him as well, as he has been his spy for years now. He's basically my father in a different body.

I think when you just say it straight and tell the honest truth to them and that you know what they are trying to do, they have nowhere to go. I had a suspicion, or perhaps it was a hope that this was what was happening and why there had been no backlash, and I also expected my father to hire a private detective. I'm still not fully convinced he hasn't, but I have no proof, so, there is no point in worrying about it until I do.

Thanks for giving a likely reason for why there is sometimes no backlash. When you hear from 'experts' and others who have escaped family dysfunction saying "expect a backlash if you leave" it can start to make you wonder why there hasn't been one, and that can feed into my second guessing that I am making it all up or making too much of the things that have driven me to this decision and point.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My husband told me about my fathers family, that my stepmother 'wears the pants in that relationship.' It's interesting to think of it that way. My father is terrible, controlling and arrogant. But my stepmother is sickly sweet. In a lot of ways she's scares me more because she has the brains to do things just has mean as my father but things that would not get her in trouble with the police. And she has the brains to twist it and calculate her actions to look like it's all other people.

She gives off a sweet air and it fools a lot of people. But even when I got to know her as a teenager I knew something was wrong. There was something about her that was dark and mean. And she never wanted me in her family.

They deserve each other. And even though I love my half brother and sister I will be weary of any child of theirs. Maybe that is wrong but I can't help it.

So it wasn't just the relationship with my father I ended but also my stepmother. With her though she sent an email soon after and it was deeply calculated to sound like it was all me, I was being "selfish" and terrible. I bet that's the story she told to all her family and friends. I am sure she did not mention how her husband had started stalking me...Actually I think they both thought that behavior was okay.

But all that is over now. It's all finished. I took away their power and I stood up for myself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I also think it's pointless to talk about who was wrong and who was right. We all did things wrong; my father, stepmother, my aunt and me. I know we did. But making a list is not helpful, what is one persons 'wrong' is probably different for someone else. I am sure some people would call me selfish like my stepmother did and some people would not understand the need for boundaries in relationships. But it all came down to that they were destroying me. I don't think my mental health had ever been worse.

I just re-read the email my stepmother has sent a few weeks after I ended it. She never mentioned my aunt's deep hatred and jealousy of my father. My aunt never stood up herself and told him. Instead she took it out on me and used it to help destroy our relationship. In a way I am grateful to her. If she had not done that my father would not have shown his true colors and made me realize how unhealthy it all was. I even told her a few times that she needs to say something to him about boundaries but she thought it was okay that he treated her like that. He was destroying her too and she didn't even realize it.

I need to stop thinking about all this. It's pointless because it's over. It is nice to sort through it.

 

[Philippa]

But my stepmother is sickly sweet. In a lot of ways she's scares me more because she has the brains to do things just has mean as my father but things that would not get her in trouble with the police. And she has the brains to twist it and calculate her actions to look like it's all other people.

Sickly sweet types creep me out as well. I don't trust them. I've had experiences with people you'd think were the sweetest people in the world, and they were highly manipulative and had everyone wrapped around their little fingers.

She gives off a sweet air and it fools a lot of people. But even when I got to know her as a teenager I knew something was wrong. There was something about her that was dark and mean. And she never wanted me in her family.

I'm sure she could sense that you saw right through her, and that's why she wanted you gone. You were a threat to her carefully constructed persona.

I am sure she did not mention how her husband had started stalking me...Actually I think they both thought that behavior was okay.

I knew a german fellow like this once. Same story...everyone LOVED him. It was bizarre how people flocked to his side and doted over him. He was lovely at times, but he also stalked his girlfriend, and he once lied to me and said that in germany it was normal behavior...everyone did it?? I talked to two germans much later, and they denied this. It is not accepted there, but he kept making out that Australia had stupid beauracracies that made a big deal out of silly things like personal boundaries and peoples right to privacy and not be scared shitless.:rolleyes:

But all that is over now. It's all finished. I took away their power and I stood up for myself.

It's a good feeling isn't it.:)

 

[ms spock]

Good for you, (((((Ayesha))))

The cultural norm of 'well, you SHOULD [forgive/minimize/forget/dismiss/work harder/honor by putting up with it despite the harm/just accept] (insert chronically hurtful unrepentent family member here) just 'because s/he's family!' just creates and perpetuates an intergenerational curse, IMHO

I try to imagine how much better off the next generation would be if we kept them safe from being abused....and walked away and were supported in that chioce rather than being judged by society for it.

I totally agree.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I felt longing yesterday and today for a father. It has been 2 years and 3 months and I don't normally think of him.

But it was my birthday yesterday and in the past he still called me or emailed me to wish me happy birthday. I spent some time today screening my calls and emails wondering if he will call. He didn't and I am gratful. That would have really messed up my day.

But I am still filled with a sense of longing. I still wish for a father. What daughter wouldn't? I still wished he would call and turn into the loving father I wish he could be.

It really hurts and I worry it is completely unhealthy to think about what I wish could be.

 

[partnergoingmadtoo]

Just wanted to say WELL DONE!!!!! I don't know your personal story, but I do know personally that "family" can be the hardest to escape.

I stopped all contact with all of mine over 10 years ago, it was the best thing I've ever done, even though my mother stalked me for about 8 years, I held out...Je ne regrette rien ;-)

 

[partnergoingmadtoo]

It's perfectly "normal" to sometimes long for the family you could've had, everyone in life would want great parents if they could have them, but some of us aren't so lucky.

I hope you're ok Ayesha. xxx

 

[circe47]

This post caught my eye because my father just left after stopping by after his return from vacation. As usual, he was rather dismissive and insulting to me. I don't know why I ever expect different.

My brother is disabled and the conversation rolled around to when his next appointment was. I help him get to his appointments and dealing with the bureaucracy of it all. I laughingly told my brother in front of my father that he needed to remember his appointments cause I can't remember them or remember where I put reminders to remind myself :rolleyes:. My father interjected with "that's just like your *stepmother.* She refuses to help herself."

I was very hurt by this comment. Both my parents are the same. They send out these stinging little barbs and expect me to somehow not be wounded, and that I am too stupid to see how they really feel about me. As for my mother? Her stance is that she had to hurt me as a kid because I was too this or not enough of that. As a child she told me that I was too sensitive- yet at the same time will tell you that my younger (favored) brother is extremely sensitive and easily hurt. With me as a little girl, it was pejorative. With younger brother as a grown man, it is said as a compliment. She feels for him whereas for me she felt annoyance. Is it any wonder I feel crazy?

I commend you Ayesha. I wish I had the courage to do what you did. Maybe someday.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My husband randomly said to me this evening:

Him: "Do you miss your father?"
Me: "No."
Him: "No, I think you miss your father."
Me: "I miss the idea of a father. Not the actual person."
Him: "No...I think you miss your father."

I have no idea why he thinks that. :confused: