Relationship I Just Got A Real Text

[Glara]

So he just texted me saying thanks for the support but he doesn't think he's coming out of this depression. I wasn't sure how to answer. I said something along the lines of, I don't know, I'm not a counselor, I can't fix you but I'm here. I said it feels like you're pushing me away. You know how I feel about you. Either you don't feel the same or can't do this now, either way the outcome is the same. I read this is common with ptsd. I'm here if you want me to be.

He hasn't answered yet. That was about 10-15 mins ago. So I don't know if that was his way of ending it or asking if I'm still here. If he's ending it, I wish he'd just say it, even though it'll kill me. I can't do it for him. If he wants to end it, he has to do it. But at the same time I'm thinking he's saying it's over.

So that's why I'm setting up counseling. I'm a mess at this point.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs! So sorry this agony is ongoing. Hope the counseling helps.

 

[Wastinglight]

That's great about getting counselling!

It must be so hard for you that he keeps contacting you sporadically. I know you want to be there for him, but it sounds like you are telling him how this is making him feel, and yet despite your pain and distress, he still won't make a decision whether to either leave you alone or step up and commit to a real relationship (or at least, be clear that this is a friendship only). My understanding is that this is not uncommon behaviour in a person who is emotionally unavailable - they won't commit, but they won't let you go either.

From some of the things you are saying, it sounds to me like you might be looking for closure from him. And it's starting to sound like he may never give you that.

I really feel for you. It's such an awful position to be in, when you obviously care for him so much.

 

[Glara]

@Wastinglight I'm now thinking he texted what he did because I didn't respond much when he texted Sat night. I didn't answer till Sun and I only said Hi. I think he doesn't want me to leave but he is emotionally unavailable. I guess I want him to end it if he doesn't want me anymore, but at the same time I need to try to move on. He said it himself, he doesn't know if he'll come out of it this time. I really don't know. Does depression work like that?

Yes, it's time for counseling for me. Like I said before I'm a wreck. And it's hard not to have anyone to talk to. The one friend I talk to the most just says get rid of him, it's unhealthy etc. She's right but it's just not that simple. So I think counseling is the way to go. I have to get off this couch.

 

[Wastinglight]

You're right, it's not that simple. It's easy for your friend to tell you to leave, because she sees you're in pain and wants to help you, plus she's not the one emotionally invested in this relationship.

Anxiety is my main problem, but I definitely have bouts of moderate depression lasting 2-3 weeks or more, where I just feel 'stuck.' I don't grind to a halt exactly - I still go through the motions of going to work,etc , but I don't want to talk to my friends or family, and I can't see the point of trying anymore. I just want to give up on everything. It's too hard and I'm too down and sad to try anymore. I just want to 'not exist' for a while. That's how I feel when I'm depressed. But as was said before, I guess it's different for everyone.

I'm feeling pretty crap myself at the moment. My anxiety has been through the roof this past week, and I think my anxiety attacks may have contributed to my guy becoming physically sick on the weekend. I haven't heard from him much since the weekend. He has a dentist appointment today, which he finds massively stressful, so I imagine he's probably not doing so well right now. At this stage I'm not sure if he will cancel on our plans tomorrow or not. I've just gone to the doctor to get a script for Xanax in an attempt to stop my anxiety attacks. Apparently it's very effective, but habit-forming, so it will have to be a short-term solution.

Some days everything just feels so bloody hard, doesn't it?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm glad you're seeking out counseling, and I'm so sorry that things aren't working out with your sufferer.

 

[Glara]

He's texting now. It's 10:23 pm here. He says he prefers to live alone, feels safer that way. I know he's not fearful of me physically. I live a plane flight away, and I have a govt job, I can't move, he knows that. I'm guessing he's saying he feels unsafe getting emotionally attached?

 

[adriftatsea]

Glad you're getting help Glara and I definitely feel your pain. If he is really depressed, he may not have the energy to put into a relationship right now and the best thing you can do for him is just be a friend without expectations.

Have you ever read Hyperbole and a Half's explanation on depression?
I tried to post the link to it, but I can't. But if you google search "Hyperbole and a half depression part 2" it should bring it up. Or I can send you the link in a PM if you're interested.

 

[Momofthree]

@Wastinglight I take Xanax for my anxiety and it is amazing! It is habit forming so I have a bottle and I only use it for emergencies. The prescription was for 1 pill 3x a day, but I only take one when I can't calm myself down after 5-10 min or when I know I'm going to have to deal with something like my family at Christmas because I hate being on medication and I didn't want to get dependent on them. For me it gives me a nice mellow "I don't give a sh*t" feeling about 10min after taking it and then I'm good for the rest of the day. I hope they help you as much as they have helped me.

 

[Glara]

@adriftatsea I found and read it, it was very informative and entertaining. I am familiar with depression, I used to suffer from it frequently until I had my daughter. Once I had her I was so focused on raising her that I never thought about myself. I just wanted her to have a normal life unlike my own.

As for his depression and everything else he's going through, I get it to a certain extent. It's just for me, talking to people makes me feel better, obviously his is much deeper than that. I don't pressure him, or I try not to, but it's hard to know what to think when he doesn't check in at all. How can I not worry when he sent me a text about killing himself. I guess he knows he's hurting me. It's harder because this all happened after he saw me. How can I not take that somewhat personally? Anyway, I just try to let him know I'm here. I don't have any answers, I can't fix him.

Anyway thanks for the read. It did help and it made me smile. I know it's about a serious subject but it was written in a way that lightens it up, as it helps clarify what his experience is.

 

[Wastinglight]

For me it gives me a nice mellow "I don't give a sh*t" feeling about 10min after taking it and then I'm good for the rest of the day. I hope they help you as much as they have helped me.

Thank you @Momofthree (and apologies Glara - I just realised I've hijacked a couple of your threads lately!). Haven't felt the need to take the Xanax as yet, but my guy swears by it as well. I'm hoping it will work as well for me!