One last thing Solara, I too have tried to understand what 'life is a gift' means. For myself, I think a gift seems not a good one if either I don't realize it's value (the pig-eating-the-pearls explanation, so to speak), or I don't know what to do with it or how to use it. Perhaps we have to figure that out. Perhaps we need to think of ourselves as having value and bringing value. Perhaps we need to be more responsible as to how we can impact on others in escaping our own pain.
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The Albatross
VIP Member
The thing about getting better is that the goal post has a tendency to move right along with the improvements. Sounds a lot like frustration and some anxiety about not "measuring up". But the thing is... learning that with the incremental improvements... we don't get closer to the destination, we move the goal post is sometimes very enlightening.
Don't let your angst rob you of the progress you've made. It is a life, your life, whether you feel you "chose" it or not. What are you going to do with it?
Ghostybear73
Diamond Member
I can understand what you are saying as well. I have the same, "what's the point" question that I ask myself everyday. I have yet to find the answer to that, so I'm not really one to talk, but knowing that I'm not the only one that feels this makes it a little easier.
nursenurse
Diamond Member
I am glad you don't live in a tall building :)
No Pollyanna diatribes tonight, just swung by to let you know that another member of your virtual family here thinks the world of you. Sometimes I wish we could see ourselves through the eyes of others, what they are REALLY thinking. We can extrapolate all we want, but the reality is, those things we think people are thinking about us, are really the things we are thinking about ourselves. Anyone who truly looks down on you for what you are, doesn't deserve the time of day, or you worrying about what they do think. Everyone else is thinking about the weather.
Self love is more elusive than the romantic stuff, trust me on that one. To this day, I still hear the names my Ex husband used to call me. they are fainter now, but unbeknownst to me until I left, I had internalized them. And believed them once I was out. It took 5 years to really start seeing myself in a different light, but I do, sort of :D
You matter, you are respected, you are kind and smart. But you are the only one that can make yourself see that. We however, can take every opportunity to point it out. And I look forward to your no-nonsense posts. You have more insight than I think you give yourself credit for. I would miss you, as would so many others.
Stick to bungalows.
No Pollyanna diatribes tonight, just swung by to let you know that another member of your virtual family here thinks the world of you. Sometimes I wish we could see ourselves through the eyes of others, what they are REALLY thinking. We can extrapolate all we want, but the reality is, those things we think people are thinking about us, are really the things we are thinking about ourselves. Anyone who truly looks down on you for what you are, doesn't deserve the time of day, or you worrying about what they do think. Everyone else is thinking about the weather.
Self love is more elusive than the romantic stuff, trust me on that one. To this day, I still hear the names my Ex husband used to call me. they are fainter now, but unbeknownst to me until I left, I had internalized them. And believed them once I was out. It took 5 years to really start seeing myself in a different light, but I do, sort of :D
You matter, you are respected, you are kind and smart. But you are the only one that can make yourself see that. We however, can take every opportunity to point it out. And I look forward to your no-nonsense posts. You have more insight than I think you give yourself credit for. I would miss you, as would so many others.
Stick to bungalows.
TwoDee2ThreeDee
Gold Member
You've already heard the "been there, done that" routine so let me explain.
I used to tell people it would have been better if I had been aborted.
I literally crashed and burned when I was 29. I was mapping out ways to crash my car so it would look like an accident. When taking a walk, I would speculate what type of damage could occur if I "happened" to wander into the roadway. I felt I had no value to this world. I kept waiting for some spectacular event that would show me I was of some value.
Since then, I took steps to see myself differently. I've learned that I had to figure out what would let me see myself differently and set out to do it. I think you're doing the same thing by returning to college. Just because you're not ready to hold a job right now doesn't mean you won't be able to once you've finished your studying and have an achievement that's all your own.
This doesn't mean that I don't have days where I feel like I'm useless - but there are far fewer of them.
Once I found out that my biological mother tried to abort me by throwing herself down the stairs twice when she was 7 months pregnant, I guess I had a change of heart about whether I should have been aborted. They all should have known I would be trouble if I was stubborn enough to survive that :ninja:
I used to tell people it would have been better if I had been aborted.
I literally crashed and burned when I was 29. I was mapping out ways to crash my car so it would look like an accident. When taking a walk, I would speculate what type of damage could occur if I "happened" to wander into the roadway. I felt I had no value to this world. I kept waiting for some spectacular event that would show me I was of some value.
Since then, I took steps to see myself differently. I've learned that I had to figure out what would let me see myself differently and set out to do it. I think you're doing the same thing by returning to college. Just because you're not ready to hold a job right now doesn't mean you won't be able to once you've finished your studying and have an achievement that's all your own.
This doesn't mean that I don't have days where I feel like I'm useless - but there are far fewer of them.
Once I found out that my biological mother tried to abort me by throwing herself down the stairs twice when she was 7 months pregnant, I guess I had a change of heart about whether I should have been aborted. They all should have known I would be trouble if I was stubborn enough to survive that :ninja:
I hear you. There's not a word you've written I haven't felt at one time or another, enough times to know the basic feelings (my version of them at least) inside and out. It is 100% possible that it will not get better. But very unlikely.
I guess what I want to get across to you is this: I'm reasonably happy and excited about parts of my life right now. But, like you, I kind of think life is pointless. I actually try to remain hopeless, if in a slightly different way than you may mean (ala Buddhism), and I am fairly sure that this very moment is, as good as it gets, and I don't think life is a gift anymore than it is a curse.
But all that said, I don't *want* to die. If, at the very least, because I'm too curious about what will come next. I won't get into it here, but I think I've searched for and found my own reasons for being. And they are 100% my own.
My point is that some of the things you are saying have a lot of intelligence in them. They're not just symptoms of depression; they are also part of the human condition. And how you choose to face them is 100% up to you. Which is way more liberating and exciting than feeling like, to be happy or comfortable you have to fit yourself into someone else's view of the world and how things should be. What I mean by that is you don't ever have to accept anyone else's stupid platitudes. And you can really believe those platitudes are stupid, if you want. Because YOU are the one who gets to decide if and why life is worth living, etc. Which, if you can find no other reason to do so, can at very least make for a good art project. :)
Still, all that aside, I do hope you feel more at peace. Hang in there.
I guess what I want to get across to you is this: I'm reasonably happy and excited about parts of my life right now. But, like you, I kind of think life is pointless. I actually try to remain hopeless, if in a slightly different way than you may mean (ala Buddhism), and I am fairly sure that this very moment is, as good as it gets, and I don't think life is a gift anymore than it is a curse.
But all that said, I don't *want* to die. If, at the very least, because I'm too curious about what will come next. I won't get into it here, but I think I've searched for and found my own reasons for being. And they are 100% my own.
My point is that some of the things you are saying have a lot of intelligence in them. They're not just symptoms of depression; they are also part of the human condition. And how you choose to face them is 100% up to you. Which is way more liberating and exciting than feeling like, to be happy or comfortable you have to fit yourself into someone else's view of the world and how things should be. What I mean by that is you don't ever have to accept anyone else's stupid platitudes. And you can really believe those platitudes are stupid, if you want. Because YOU are the one who gets to decide if and why life is worth living, etc. Which, if you can find no other reason to do so, can at very least make for a good art project. :)
Still, all that aside, I do hope you feel more at peace. Hang in there.
duckiedale85
New Here
I'm new here Solara, in fact this will be my first post. I just wanted to say this, YOU ARE WORTHY!
It is so hard for us to buy into that because of our past or present situations, but we are. This road is not an easy one. In fact, like you, giving up has truly seemed the best option a number of times for me." Why keep pressing on? it's never gonna be different than this, at least not for long." That's where we're wrong. Every positive step we take changes the outcome of the next moment. The future has changed instantly. I learned something about the circles you refer to...it's our internal strength wavering. Each day we pull up our socks and strive to make it through each moment as it comes. Is it any wonder we hit bottom every once in awhile and question everything?..
I don't know much about you or your situation so forgive me if I'm off base a little. The way through these moments is support and resources. A good friend, a sweetheart, your therapist. Talking out loud! Those little green men inside our heads can make nonsense out of logic in seconds! Speaking our fears and shame out loud takes them out of the darkness and into the light, ...and suddenly, they're not so debilitating any more. :)
It is so hard for us to buy into that because of our past or present situations, but we are. This road is not an easy one. In fact, like you, giving up has truly seemed the best option a number of times for me." Why keep pressing on? it's never gonna be different than this, at least not for long." That's where we're wrong. Every positive step we take changes the outcome of the next moment. The future has changed instantly. I learned something about the circles you refer to...it's our internal strength wavering. Each day we pull up our socks and strive to make it through each moment as it comes. Is it any wonder we hit bottom every once in awhile and question everything?..
I don't know much about you or your situation so forgive me if I'm off base a little. The way through these moments is support and resources. A good friend, a sweetheart, your therapist. Talking out loud! Those little green men inside our heads can make nonsense out of logic in seconds! Speaking our fears and shame out loud takes them out of the darkness and into the light, ...and suddenly, they're not so debilitating any more. :)
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D
Deleted member 1860
I'm still in a bad place. :(
Reading all of these replies is making me cry! I had no idea that anyone here really cared about me.
I'll give a more thorough reply in the morning. Goodnight all.
Reading all of these replies is making me cry! I had no idea that anyone here really cared about me.
I'll give a more thorough reply in the morning. Goodnight all.
Ghostybear73
Diamond Member
Night Solara. I hope you wake up in a little better place!! :)
scout86
VIP Member
I'm not sure how you experience all this... For me, sometimes there's "voice" in my head, relentless telling me, more or less, that I ought to do the world, and myself, a favor, die and be done with it. After a certain amount of gentle badgering, I told my T that. (Kind of defiantly, if you can imagine. "SEE! What are you going to do with THAT???")
He said that, in his opinion, everything our brains do is, or was, "adaptive". He said that it "might have seemed like the only option at the time" and maybe it no longer makes sense, but that I should think about it and see if I could figure out how that "voice" was "adaptive".
I thought that was one of the silliest things I'd heard in a long time. Kind of told him that, but promised, in a spirit of giving him the benefit of the doubt, to think about it.
One of the things he tells me to do is to try to get in touch with the various "parts" that are floating around inside my head. (Another one of those "You've GOT to be kidding!" things that maybe has some merit.) He says you can work on some of this stuff in your sleep, but to make sure you tell yourself you need to remember it in the morning. (Did I mention there are days when I wonder who's the most nuts, him, or me? LOL)
Shortly after we had the conversation about the "mean voice", I had a dream. (Which I remembered to remember.) In it, I was wandering around on some mission of my own, but ran across my parents. They had a baby. With no words being spoken, I realized they intended to kill the baby but they were doing kind of a slow, inept, messy job of it. I took the baby from my dad and killed it. Thinking "at least I can do this RIGHT!". I handed them the baby back and they proceeded to do a horribly inept job of trying to hide the body so I ended up doing that myself too. Afterwards, I realized that I didn't feel any remorse. I actually didn't feel ANYTHING. The next thought was, "Well nobody wanted her anyway, she was better off dead."
Yikes! That sounds a little out there, even to me......... It also makes some sense in kind of a sick, weird way.
Now, I can't tell you that all my "death wish" thoughts have miraculously vanished. That would be to simple, I guess. I CAN tell you that this has given me a little different perspective on things. I'm not at all sure what to DO with the perspective minds you..... "A work in progress" I guess
I don't know where I'm going with this really. I guess I'm just saying it might be interesting to look behind the curtain and see what's running the show. Take that for what ever it's worth, even if it's not applicable at all.
BTW, my personal favorite example of a famous person who had issues and was a little slow to amount to much is Abraham Lincoln, followed by Einstein.
Beyond that, take care of yourself, if not for YOU then for all of us, because I too, value you and your contributions.
He said that, in his opinion, everything our brains do is, or was, "adaptive". He said that it "might have seemed like the only option at the time" and maybe it no longer makes sense, but that I should think about it and see if I could figure out how that "voice" was "adaptive".
I thought that was one of the silliest things I'd heard in a long time. Kind of told him that, but promised, in a spirit of giving him the benefit of the doubt, to think about it.
One of the things he tells me to do is to try to get in touch with the various "parts" that are floating around inside my head. (Another one of those "You've GOT to be kidding!" things that maybe has some merit.) He says you can work on some of this stuff in your sleep, but to make sure you tell yourself you need to remember it in the morning. (Did I mention there are days when I wonder who's the most nuts, him, or me? LOL)
Shortly after we had the conversation about the "mean voice", I had a dream. (Which I remembered to remember.) In it, I was wandering around on some mission of my own, but ran across my parents. They had a baby. With no words being spoken, I realized they intended to kill the baby but they were doing kind of a slow, inept, messy job of it. I took the baby from my dad and killed it. Thinking "at least I can do this RIGHT!". I handed them the baby back and they proceeded to do a horribly inept job of trying to hide the body so I ended up doing that myself too. Afterwards, I realized that I didn't feel any remorse. I actually didn't feel ANYTHING. The next thought was, "Well nobody wanted her anyway, she was better off dead."
Yikes! That sounds a little out there, even to me......... It also makes some sense in kind of a sick, weird way.
Now, I can't tell you that all my "death wish" thoughts have miraculously vanished. That would be to simple, I guess. I CAN tell you that this has given me a little different perspective on things. I'm not at all sure what to DO with the perspective minds you..... "A work in progress" I guess
I don't know where I'm going with this really. I guess I'm just saying it might be interesting to look behind the curtain and see what's running the show. Take that for what ever it's worth, even if it's not applicable at all.
BTW, my personal favorite example of a famous person who had issues and was a little slow to amount to much is Abraham Lincoln, followed by Einstein.
Beyond that, take care of yourself, if not for YOU then for all of us, because I too, value you and your contributions.
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