General I just wonder if this makes me co-dependend

[LuckiLee]

I think the food comforts him. We eat healthy meals AND junk food. Let him do his thing but keep healthy foods in the house. The more you harp on him about it the more he'll stress and turn to cupcakes... IMHO.

As for large family gatherings? My guy doesn't like big crowds. Even if they're family. You will always find him outside or on the outskirts of groups of people. Completely normal for people with PTSD. Our friends and (my) family understand and never make an issue about it. Everyone should be able to feel safe and if that means J has to take breaks so be it. Rather that then overflowing his stress cup.

 

[Never_falter2]

I am not afraid my vet gets upset, he does not get upset. I am afraid that he withers and dies like a delicate little vet flower if I do not help him enough/demand things from him. Yep, that‘s my problem. One the one hand I know he is a capable and smart adult but on the other hand he sometimes acts plain stupid.

In our culture we are raised to focus on other people. I think it has do a lot with our kind of Christianity and how it is practiced when we are told the best thing? One church song from my childhood (which is called „Von guten Mächten treu und still umgeben“): one stanza is about how the Lord almighty makes us drink from a chalice filled to the brim with sorrow/suffering and we are happy and without trembling and full of thanks we take this chalice from Gods caring and beloved hand. A lot of Christians in my country believe a good Christian has to has what we call a servants heart... very. Ich like putting yourself in the service of others. Sermon in our church was often about people who had to go to trials and tribulations but were still so happy and thankful, which often made me think: not thankful enough? Clearly not a good Christian. I am not sure, but what I from what I did read from Americans talking about God I often think we see some very different sides of God. You see the knight in shining armor and we see the man in rags bearing another mans cross. Correct me if I am wrong about you.
I am somewhat religious, not that much only somewhat and it has really be becoming less over time... but I think how people do Christianity has an effects on the whole culture even on persons who are not Christians at all.
I know vet made a much bigger sacrifice than me by choosing to join the military and (most of the time) he says it makes him proud and whatever side effects he has he will wear his emotional scars with pride cause he knows he did the honorable thing... and he knows that it is sweet to suffer when you did the honorable thing. Much better than the cowards way who will not suffer maybe... he will be happy but this happiness will be without the sweetness („gutes Gefühl“) the Vet has in his life because he did the right thing. I really suck in translating this because I do know so little about American culture and why they choose to serve. My vet comes from a family in which many people serve.
Then I think that I should have the same moral integrity my vet has and actually enjoy being there for him much more because a man like him needs a woman who is there for him.
I have to stop now because my son woke.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... that idea is codependent. By that, I mean the idea that you have to feed him and control his diet because he is incapable of doing it himself. The idea that if you weren't there to do it right, he would die of malnutrition. You aren't responsible for his food choices. He is. You cannot take that on as your duty. He has to ultimately decide to eat better on his own. Until he does, he'll be eating cupcakes and junk food, even if he has to start sneaking them. That'll just lead to resentment.

You can't take away a grown adult's personal responsibility. You can't make decisions for your partner, or make them dependent on you. This kind of dynamic turns you from a partner into a mother. It is very easy for supporters to slip into codependency like this, after all, we're in caretaking roles, but our sufferers have to have autonomy. It's like trying to fix their PTSD symptoms or force them to get treatment. We cannot do that. They have to do that themselves. We can drag them kicking and screaming to therapy and force feed them pills, but unless they decide they want to work on their trauma, they're not going to have any kind of healing.

What makes all this hard is that it seems like the right thing to do sometimes. You care about him and want him to be healthy. Of course it seems right to take away his junk food and make him eat healthy. We cannot be in charge of a grown adult with all their mental faculties though. It is taking away their autonomy under the guise of being loving. It reduces an equal relationship into one party being dependent, and the other taking on responsibilities and control, which keeps the other party dependent. There's no partnership then.

 

[Never_falter2]

There is another thing... I hate going out when Vet is at home. I do go out when Vet is at work and it feels right. I do go out when he is at work, I do go out in the evening when Vet is away for a job (and 8 have childcare of course)... but when Vet is there... here is what happens in my head... and I exaggerate for the dramatic effect

Never_falter: *goes out without vet*
Passers by: “Look at this woman, doesn‘t she look like the spouse if a vet going out without her vet? Oh, I beg her vet sits at home and cries“
Vet: *sits at home and cries*
Passers by: “Bring tar, bring feathers, this wicked women will not go unpinished, more tar, more feathers“
Vet at home meanwhile: *withers and dies*

This is how it feels. Yep, I know that this scenario is not really that realistic, but this it how it feels. Vet told me it‘s okay. It‘s all good... no need to worry for him... vet says he does not want me to worry for him it is not my job but I do feel like this is my job.
You know that he told me twice he was feeling very unwell and afraid to have a nervous breakdown if stress at his workplace continues... but he promised me he will seek help if it is getting bad... and now he tells me he is okay, no need to worry... and I do know vet is a very smart and capable person (but sometimes he just acts so plain stupid)... then I feel like: Vet, can I really trust you?

I want to know that he enjoys himself at home while I am away... eats healthy things... stuff like that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sounds like you're pretty stressed out @Never_falter. Can you take a little break to unwind? There's no shame in taking a girls weekend without hubby and kids. We all have to have sanity breaks every now and then. It's not selfish. Im sure even nuns working in leper colonies get to take a break every now and then :)

 

[Never_falter2]

Actually vet suggested I should do this. Vet suggested I should take a break and said he‘ll be fine. Do you do this?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yep... I do this. I've actually started doing this more often. I'll go for long weekends with friends, and I've even done an overnight shopping trip by myself. I didn't realize how clenched up and stressed out I was until I sat down in a hotel room alone and just relaxed!

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sweetpea76 Was your Vet okay with that? How did he feel about this?

 

[Never_falter2]

@LuckiLee: Vet does not like crowds, yes, but otoh he works with other people, he uses public transport, he goes shopping. He does not like that things so much, but he does them now. We even went to a Christmas market.
Not everybody in the family knows he has got ptsd. So I wonder if I baby him too much, some of my family members, some of his family members are a bit odd and annoying... and I understand why vet feels he needs a break from them sometimes.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't ask him if he is OK with it. If I need a break, I take it. He can't begrudge me my own space when I bend over backwards to give him space when he needs it.

I tell him in advance, and give him my itinerary. He can reach me if he needs me, and we usually talk while I'm away.

Sometimes he can get clingy or irritated... but the whole point of taking a break is getting away from PTSD-land for a damn day or two so *I* can attend to my own mental health needs. He doesn't get a say in that.

 

[Never_falter2]

My vet can be very clingy too... and I get what feels like a mixed message from him.

On the one hand he says “Go have fun. I‘ll be okay“, on the other hand he is so clingy and he warns me that women going out at night without male company, women traveling without male company are easy prey for bad men.

I am thinking about visiting relatives with the kids this fall. Vet needs to work... if I do I hope he will be okay when he starts to feel clingy and hypervigilant.
OTOH he travels too... and we skype... sometimes he gets really hypervigilant and has to skype then to see everything is okay.

I hope it is okay if I go away as long as we skype.