I Mean Im Not Going To Hurt Myself Or Others

[Jnean]

I am worried about how bitter I may get towards my father as soon as I stop finding ways to try to deny what he's done to me. I know what happened yet still i haven't been able to admit all together because i still love him and there is shame and hatred toward myself for that. I hate him too. I just want to delete him.

 

[hodge]

Your feelings are completely understandable. But, know this: it was NOT your fault. I hope you find a good therapist to help you with this.

 

[Jnean]

thanks I am in therapy and this is all coming out of going to therapy so there's a storm coming before it gets better I feel it but I have to heal

 

[shimmerz]

because i still love him and there is shame and hatred toward myself for that.

I have learned the hard way that I can love someone and know that they are bad for me to be around. We are wired to love our parents, our children. Doesn't mean we can tolerate what they have done.

 

[Jnean]

thank you shimmerz

 

[Panda Bear]

It always seems to get much worse before it gets better, and that is so tough to wade through. At times, it almost seems like you may have been better off keeping the secret, at least that's how I felt. I could make myself believe that my life was happier before I told....

But it wasn't.

It's weird...having an emotional attachment to a parent of loved one that hurt us so badly. The shame and pain, you'd think you'd hate that person. But love doesn't mean they get to be apart of our lives.

I can assure you, it's perfectly normal to wish someone would be deleted from our lives. Very much so! I've had many a T visits where I wished my mom were dead, and being allowed to feel that feeling and being told that it is okay, made things a lot easier. Everyone around me, made me feel guilty and were appalled at my thinking....but I can assure you, it's okay.

 

[Jnean]

thank you Panda!!!