Undiagnosed I Might Have Been Molested As A Child, But I Don't Know For Sure

[Amy_Lisa]

hello. I really need help. For a while now I've been having feelings/reactions to people, making me feel like I may have been sexually assaulted as a child. I really don't know though.

For as long as I can remember, I have been very scared of older men. Just being alone with a man some years older than me would terrify me. Recently it's gotten a lot worse and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because I was assaulted by my now ex-boyfriend. When older men are friendly to me or touch me in any way I freeze and start to panic.

I hate saying this, but for a few years, I have been nervous about being alone with my dad. I get tense when he hugs me or touches me in the most innocent way. At his apartment, his room is next to mine and I would often hear him call out my name at night. He would also be mad if I locked the bathroom or bedroom door. I also remember him being very attentive and loving to me as a small child (but I don't know if that would mean anything). I'm very scared that he may have done something, but I don't want to tell anyone because I'm scared of what they'll say.

I've done research on signs that you were molested and some were abusing youself, eating disorders, not remembering your childhood, anxiety attacks, etc. I've gone through all the ones I've listed.

I'm sorry this is so long. But thank you to anyone who reads this. If any of you can help me, I would be very grateful.

 

[void]

hello. I really need help. For a while now I've been having feelings/reactions to people, making me fe...

Imo, everything you are expressing are the classic signs of someone who was molested.

these reactions would not happen without a cause

trust these reactions

your body isn't lying


I'm sry this happened to you:(....it's not your fault

 

[Fadeaway]

Were you having these symptoms before your ex? I am sorry, it is just a bit unclear to me. Everything you said about your dads actions are pretty normal, except him calling out your name, but that might be due to not understanding the context in which it happened.

Your symptoms for the most part, fit what happened with your ex. Now, I am not saying that you weren't molested. I do not know, and I am not going to make a guess on such little information. That said, I does bother me that a father being loving and attentive could be viewed as suspicious.

In my experience, the attention an abuser gives you is more along the lines of treating you like a friend or grown-up, than parental affection, if that helps.

 

[Suzetig]

No one here can really say what happened when you were younger. The things you list might be found in someone who was molested but could equally be a dozen other things. If you were molested, it may not have been your dad - it's very tempting to put 2+2 together but the things you list can also be signs of extreme bullying, physical abuse, neglect or some other trauma not necessarily connected to people being hurtful to you, eg a life threatening accident.

You do know you were assaulted and that's resulted in PTSD. I wonder if it's worth working on that in therapy - if there's anything else there, it'll make its way to the surface in its own time.

 

[mary1979]

I can only imagine how difficult it would be for someone who has no tangible memory of abuse.

My memory of my very early abuse is non existent and purely based on family accounts, however I at least can say with surety that it all happened based on events I CAN recall.

To not be sure at all must be horrific.

Have you gone over any other possible reasons you may have a fear of your father?
Has he been accused by someone else maybe, or has your Mother some symptoms (sometimes, as victims themselves our mothers project their fears onto us)
There would be something hidden away in your mind causing your feelings, sexual abuse or not.

 

[ladee]

I have very few recovered memories. Only small snippets here and there. But I KNOW... we can not make up these feelings. That is one thing I keep telling myself.. all the details, well, I had to get on with healing, whether or not the pictures came with the feelings... either way, you deserve to to heal. We can't make the pictures come.
But will say again, we can't make up the feelings... and things will surface in time. Or not.. either way you deserve to heal.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Greetings, and welcome to the Forum!

I don"t have any advice, but I wanted to welcome you to a safe place where you will find compassion, understanding, and acceptance Just having a place to share your feelings and emotions can be very helpful.

I will say, that if you ever do stay at your father's apartment, and choose to lock the door (I would have to), you could tell him that you have developed a fear of being startled awake, and that it helps you to lick the door.

That would make it a "genero" comment that wouldn't be blaming, unless you imply that your ex may have created these feelings.
Just a thought...

I hope you will find some helpful advice, as well as validation and empathy.

Blessings of peace as you examine your deepest thoughts and feelings.
AKJ (:hug: a hug if accepted)

P.S. I am a 59 year old G'ma, that has had issues with hugs, but have found them comforting with a trusted person.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

Having read the OP a few times, I can totally understand that this must be really distressing for you. Question marks over this sort of issue are really painful.

Thing is, that if I were to try and predict whether you were abused by dad (or someone else and dad is a trigger), if I got that prediction wrong, the outcome could be disastrous for you. I suggest it sounds like dad abused you, but he didn't, I've just destroyed your relationship with your dad needlessly. I suggest it doesn't sound like abuse, and I'm wrong, the invalidation and possible decision to ignore it and it will go away - equally devastating for you.

Either way though, something is going on. And it's distressing and opening up some very serious questions. So regardless of whether I'm thinking yay or nay, I would strongly support exploring this issue with a therapist. There are feelings and fears that are causing you distress and slowly destroying what was once a typical father/daughter relationship. Talking to a therapist about why that's happening, and how to manage, would potentially bring down the distress in a big way.

Hope you find the answers.

 

[intothelight]

@Amy_Lisa Welcome to the forum! :)

Memory is a tricky thing so be very careful as you pursue this as you do not want to create false memories. It isn't uncommon so be very selective with your choice of therapist. I am not saying that something did not happen, but it could have been a family friend, babysitter, a friend's sibling, other family member, pastor, teacher, assistant, etc. Do you have other siblings? They would be a good starting point to discuss this at least in general terms.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[cat-lady]

Hi Amy-lisa, I was in the same situation about 10 years ago and eventually it turned out that my new memories were true. That's not really an indication whether or not yours are though. What I can tell you for sure is that I wish I'd started therapy a lot earlier instead of trying to figure it all out on my own. It was a mistake to try to handle it alone. I suggest trying to find someone who specializes in this area. Trying to sort this all out without expertise is not something you should put yourself through.