I Need A Cuddle

[EveHarrington]

I need a cuddle.

I am really putting myself out there by saying this. Somehow I don't think I'm the only one out there who has a desire for human affection beyond a hug but struggles with these feelings. I want to be held in someone's arms for more than a few seconds. I want to just be able to lay there and feel safe. No pressure for anything more; simply a non sexual (sex not expected) bonding time between two people who care about one another. (Did normal people get this as a child?)

These feelings/wants/desires are new. (Last few months.) I've never had these desires before.

Usually (previously) I hated to be touched. The last guy I dated (almost 2 years ago now) made my skin crawl when he'd cuddle with me or touch me. It ended almost as quickly as it began.

I was content being alone. I didn't have those sorts of physical needs and I knew I couldn't fulfill those needs for another.

And then, something changed. Now I desire this sort of intimacy. This is a bit late in the game. Most others in my cohort went through this learning curve decades ago. I am very much a fish out of water.

But I don't know what to do.

I want cuddles but I hate myself for wanting them. Needing someone makes me feel weak. Needing someone makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.

I know there's no going back. The only way out is to work through my feelings and figure a way to get my newfound needs met.

And I am so very very lost.

Not proud/not ashamed (please don't judge). Had a friend of sorts (whatever was between us was never defined). He wanted sex, I wanted cuddles. It worked for awhile. (Sort of.) The cuddles were hollow and the sex was passionless. Bottom line, you can't fake cuddling. (Maybe this is obvious to others? Not to me.)

I know I need more.

And yet, my construct of a relationship is somewhat of an outlier of typical perhaps? I simply want someone who cares for me, and I for them. Labels aren't important. They're somewhat unwanted given my past experience with them. I want my freedom and I want intimacy. This seems to be at odds to what most want. I'm not explaining myself well. All I know is that people either want the typical relationship trajectory or assume that's what I want. Finding someone who understands what I'm after, not as easy.

Sorry this is a bit long winded.

TL;DR

I need a cuddle.

I'm not sure what sort of responses I'm looking for. Any and all from those who can relate are very much welcomed.

 

[expectingbetter]

I relate a lot.
I have a great need for human touch, I get it that you were talking about the non sexual one, and that kind of touch in particular is the one I need so badly, but I find it also very hard to get.
It is quite awkward to ask for it and I can't force myself to ask for it, although usually there isn't anybody I could ask for.
I even yearn for a long hug, to be held in someones arms but I don't get that either.
Couple of times in life I even dared to ask some people for a long hug but it didn't end up well so I have mostly lost those people and I could only assume that those hugs were to blame for, people usually get that wrong.

So I try not to ask for anything similar any more, but I am living the sad reality in which nobody would hug me even in a million years.
For me the same importance would have the hug or holding in the arms of women as well as of men, because it has nothing to do with sexual meaning.

So I understand you completely but I don't know how to help neither you or me.
I think that touch is necessary for well being of the all humans but now days there is less and less of it.

Sending you a strong long friendly hug from this distance!

 

[Friday]

I'm an intensely physical person. Always have been. Also a smidge oversexed. High end of normal range, not into pathology*. (* My sex drive definitely tips into the pathological range after every time I've been raped, but it's a short lived thing of a few months, then it normalizes back out.) Shrug. Being on my own these past four years has been an exercise in acute and chronic frustration. In no small part because I can do extremes fairly well, but have difficulty with middle ground... I haven't completely isolated myself the past 4... But it's been close. <insert scrubbing face here> Essentially, I've had just enough contact/physical touch to neither be the peace of silence (solitude), nor the bliss of rightness. Vexing on a whole lot of different levels. I can do the extreme of don't f*cking touch me, or the extreme of being in almost constant physical contact, but the middle ground? Occasional contact? Hurts. Its a physical lacking. It's different than loneliness, although it's probably in the same family tree.

When I'm doing well, and on my own, I meet my physical needs a whole lot of different ways. Snort. In no small part because it takes a lot of different ways to even come close to substituting what's easily and simply gotten from having a full-on partner.

Here's an abbreviated list; Tight clothing, weighted &/or heavy blankets, water, water with currents, pets -the larger the better- for the full body lean but even little guys have warmth & glow to them (hell, you can't hug a fish, or at least it would be both a bad idea and a 1 time thing... but if you love a fish? Still get a bit of a glow just looking at them), contact sports, babies (schlepping them about, skin to skin is best, volunteer at the NICU if you don't have anyone who can -please, god, hold them for me while I shower?!?- an infant at you), massage (weekly when my insurance covers it), hot drinks in the cold, cold drinks in hot showers, gymnastics &/or break dancing (a combo of gross motor & intentional contact with the ground, sleeping on couches or pushed up against a wall, loud music (loud enough I can feel the vibrations in my bones). Et cetera. Sensory activities, all of them. Grounding activities (for me), most of them. Hedonism, the lot of them. Feel good stuff.

Absolutely nothing beats stubble rubbed across skin, heartbeats, breathing, contact/connection, love/trust. But If I come at that problem from several different angles in the sensory & movement range? I can usually keep from completely losing my ever lovin mind.

 

[Bloomy]

Good post indeed. Touching the core of what I feel I need to move on in a better way then I do now. Agree with @FridayJones theres is other ways to get something close to it and I do all these activities. But without human touch its still just not enough. Met a guy some time ago when I lived alone. Yeah I know bottom line he wanted sex. But what do I care. I used and abused him as a teddy bear. Playing the game of "lets watch movie" as an excuse to get that closeness and human warmth I sorely needed. I lived on that for weeks after. Mind that this guy was a gentleman so he didnt push my boundaries as I pushed him at the doors and said see you next time cuddle bear.

Other then that I dont have any answer to this - just sending warm hugs to all of you :hug::hug:

 

[jaccat]

I relate. Right now that's all I'm up for saying.

 

[EveHarrington]

Now I need a cuddle for different reasons!

I am in a relationship. I am here, he is there. Five weeks until I see him again. This is MADDENING!

Long distance relationships are hard. I never thought I'd be open to one.....but this guy is so f*cking worth it!

So yeah......I just need a cuddle!

 

[davidfisher71]

Hey there ... I don't have PTSD but I'm supporting a close friend who does.

I love cuddles! I joined a site called cuddlecomfort last month, which is designed to be a safe place for finding platonic cuddles. It can take a while for people to respond, so I decided to try some "professional cuddlers" (i.e. paid) - three so far. I have discovered a bit about myself:

- I was missing human touch more than I realized.
- it's not too hard to keep it platonic, since there is an agreement with clear boundaries beforehand.
- being held (and treated well) by someone makes me more aware of my value, and makes my body feel precious.

So I can recommend that website if you feel the need to be held by someone safe.

If you're anywhere near Sydney, Australia, and would like someone safe to cuddle, I would be very honored (since I know the trust that is involved). My user name on that site is "respectful".

 

[EveHarrington]

Hey there ... I don't have PTSD but I'm supporting a close friend who does.

I love cuddles! I jo...

I’ve thought about going the professional route but I’m SO picky when it comes to touch. I will reject people outright if my energy doesn’t mesh well with theirs.

Right now most of my non-professional supports are not nearby so I’m missing cuddles.

Still trying to make the friends with ex thing work (I think we’ve weathered the worst) and he’d give me all the hugs I want, but he’s three time zones away now. I have to settle for virtual hugs.

 

[davidfisher71]

I’m SO picky when it comes to touch. I will reject people outright if my energy doesn’t mesh well with theirs.

That's understandable. Of three three I've cuddle, one wasn't so good, one was nice and the other was amazing; very kind and caring, and we connected on an emotional level too (which is important to me).

I have to settle for virtual hugs

If you could do with one, here you go: *Big virtual hug* :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

That's understandable. Of three three I've cuddle, one wasn't so good, one was nice and the other...

Thank you!! HUGSSSSSSS

 

[Gamereign555]

Me too