recoveringfromptsd
Diamond Member
I was recently hospitalized for SI during the severe depressive swing on one of my cyclothymia cycles, they re-established meds quickly, and got me stabilized in a matter less than a week, it turned out to be one of shortest hospitalizations of the 50 or so hospitalizations I have had. SI has been a constant most of life, It was not until 20 years ago I feel safe enough to reveal anything about my Abuse experiences which happened over a long time by different people, and then I was not able to reveal much as just did not have that much ability to trust enough to do so, and even then I had repeated hospitalizations even in doing that over almost 8 years. At some point I went off my meds around 2001, and dropped out of therapy completely as I was burned out from it. For 15 years since 2001 to 2016 I function in a functional but irritating hypomanic state as my norm, in July 2016 I had one of my twice a year cycles, and during the depressive part, it ended up being hospitalized after have SI and coming close to actually acting on it. Had the sheriff looking for me most of the morning. I eventually got myself to the ER, and was admitted, after I was discharged 5 days later stabilized on meds to manage my hypomania and Depression, they had me attend partial hospitalization (PHP) which really helped me to try to force myself to blindly trust as an outpatient even though I could never truly trust, if I let anyone give me the chance to, unfortunately the last day of PHP one of the new php patients brought up her experience with a gang rape she claimed to have come to terms with, I immediately shut down, when she persisted the intense emotions I experienced were so bad I to bolt out of the room, with the staff chasing after me to make sure I was ok. Since then I have had flashbacks for most all of my many experiences (they fill over a full page). It has gotten so bad I now can't function, my therapist had me see life crisis who specialized in abuse trauma in an acute setting, they quickly concluded they could not work with me then because I was to unstable for them to do it safely. I kind of freaked out, because I was desperate to get help with my trauma as I for the first time was able to voice it to my therapist, but in a crisis from the flashbacks, I came around the following day to agree with life crisis, and looked for inpatient treatment settings that could help me safely, I found tonight sheppard pratt, and will be looking to have my therapist work to get me in there, in the mean time I had to the night after my visit with life crisis had to go off my hypomania medicines to stay safe because I was overloaded and overwhelmed, and close to being needed to be immediately hospitalized to stay safe. This stuff does not bother me as much when I am hypomanic, currently since that monday morning I have only slept 10 hours as of thursday afternoon when I met my therapist to get a crisis plan going to get me thru until I can get admitted somewhere that can give me to proper help with my PTSD. despite almost no sleep I am wide awake almost all the time, but I am able to stay safe, I feel like I am on a slow motion roller coaster. I am desperate to get into treatment. I am worried I won't be able to get this treatment and will get stuck to where I might loose my ability to maintain control of SI. I really want help and do the work to get better, and for the first time despite my feelings and doing something I have never done before which is not give in to SI urges. Instead I am using every thing I can muster to be safe until I can get help. But I dont know how long I can maintain this, the mania is very uncomfortable. but not as bad as I felt before I had to stop the meds to use the mania to help me manage to stay safe. I wonder if there are others like me who had experiences with Sheppard Pratt and did they have problems getting admitted to the trauma unit. I am coping right now by not watching tv because it triggers flashbacks, being manic, and listening to soothing music on pandora all day and night. I am really hurting!
