I Need Help With This Girl!

[alliz-rag]

My life at the moment is going well. I have a awesome job, live right by the beach on my own at 22, studying Marine Biology, having been setting new PRs in the gym, have heaps of friends etc. Everything except my relationship with her...

My grandmother once told me; "Never look at the things you don't have...cherish the things you do!"

I give the same advice to you my friend; someone has to want help in order to be helped.

alliz-rag

 

[Tiger Kitten]

If she was acting normal I wouldn't be passive agressive. I mean seeing her mum is a valid excuse but I always wonder about her and can't trust her after past experiences. Why is it ok for her to be so rude? I was trying to get her to look at her own actions. She has also done similar things to me and manipulated me in far worse ways.

Her bad behavior is no excuse for your bad behavior. Why is it OK for you to be so rude and manipulative? You are the one that is asking for advice. You are the one wanting to know what to do. If she were asking, I would tell her that the situation was unhealthy and point out what she is doing that is contributing to it. She is not the one asking, so I am not going to focus on her part in it.

You have a choice. You have the power to choose to be treated this way or that way. You do not have the right to try to force anyone else to act a certain way because you think that's how they should act. You either accept someone's treatment of you or you don't. That is your responsibility.

You create your boundaries. You enforce your boundaries. You do not have the right to manipulate anyone no matter what they do. You cannot change other people. You can only change yourself.

Tiger

 

[NIKI]

Wow, You need to just get over this. I doubt it's going to happen and if it does it certainly isn't going to be healthy!

I thought for a minute that you did have good intentions but now I think you might be a control freak. You said you had EVERYTHING except this girl. You can't always have everything!

Get help for yourself, really! I can see why people are sick of you and why the girl most likely is too. Just my opinion.

 

[ironbird]

I'm not a control freak. I gave her all the space she needs. She is the the one who came to me asking to be in a relationship with me again because she realized she messed up at the start of the year. I don't force her too do anything and most of the time I just say no worries if she can't/doesn't feel like it.

I did have good intentions but now I just want to express to her how shes made me feel and then forget about her.

Some of the people on this board are straight up idiots. I can see from your narrow/weak minded responses why your on this site in the first place. Jumping to conclusions, assuming things you don't know, being so quick to just say 'dump her' is probably why your lives are so screwed up. That is my opinion.

If I never came here for help then I would be just some asshole who didn't have the patience for a girl with baggage, used her and dumped her.

 

[Gamereign555]

Maybe you should email her a goodbye letter. I did this for myself once and the healing took awhile but I was able to move forward.

Our relationship was kind of broken from the start, she had a boyfriend and was dating me at the same time, she would break up with him and then get back together, we would be friends then more than friends the next moment, this went on for a couple of years as we lived together. She had finally made her decision and I wasn't a part of her world in that way anymore, but I could not get her out of my mind. As she distanced herself I continued to show more emotion as I talked to her, then one day she was gone, I wrote a couple more letters to her and she didn't respond so I finally wrote a goodbye letter to her, the notion of 'goodbye' was something we both shared and talked about as meaning 'moving on and not looking back'. This was my one way to shut myself out of a pair of lives that could no longer be.

I guess I felt that there was too much pain in the way I was chasing the moments we had together, trying to save it and have her acknowledge it, I had to move on like she was. There was more pain, and some depression I went through, it felt as if I had put all my eggs in one basket and even though she broke the eggs, I still loved her, things were now without her and so there was nothing, just starting over somewhere, something else. And so I did start over.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

Some of the people on this board are straight up idiots. I can see from your narrow/weak minded responses why your on this site in the first place. Jumping to conclusions, assuming things you don't know, being so quick to just say 'dump her' is probably why your lives are so screwed up. That is my opinion.

Here's my opinion. You have been given very good advice from many people. Oddly enough most of the advice was for you to take care of yourself. Yet, you are too narrow/ weak minded to act upon said advice. Instead you persist in attempting to control the situation you are in. You ask the same things over and over and over. Then when people give you the same answers over and over and over... you attack them. I do believe it was Einstein who said, "The definition of insanity is to repeat the same action over and over and keep expecting different results." Take a step back and look at what you are doing.

In one of your posts you claim you are seeing a therapist. I hope that since you will be paying him/her that you might actually listen. You also "agreed to start" seeing a therapist. I hope that you have/will be seeing one. I feel that is going to be an asset in your life.
.
This girl has told you repeatedly that she cannot handle a relationship at this time. You manipulate her emotionally with your "gift of gab" until she changes her mind. You play head games with someone who you claim isn't very stable. Enough already... Learn to listen.

As to your assumption about why my life is screwed up... My life has been screwed up from the choices I have made. My life is also improving from choices I have made. I own my life and my choices. I'm proud of what I have accomplished. I'm proud of the person I have made of myself. I'm proud of the work I have done on myself. I'm proud that I can reach out and help others. I'm proud that I can actually listen without being overly defensive when I ask for advice even when I don't agree with the advice I am being given. I can recognize my own issues and I know when I am in an unhealthy relationship. Even with PTSD I'm more reasonable and open minded then most people who don't have half my issues.

So, thanks for your opinion. Now put your "amateur psychology" to work on yourself and figure out why you are doing this to yourself. Do some research on healthy boundaries and ways to not manipulate others. Do some research on healthy relationships. Fix yourself before trying to help anyone else.

I have done all I can in my attempt to help you. It's your choice to do whatever it is you are going to do. I will leave you to it now.

Tiger

 

[catjudo]

Why don't the people who I see liking sea's posts contribute?

Perhaps because when they do respond, instead of reading their response, taking what you need/want and leaving the rest behind, you become argumentative and insulting. Why would people intentionally and knowingly want to subject themselves to that kind of treatment.

And if people here want to avoid confrontation and interaction with you, perhaps that speaks volumes to why you're having trouble with this girl. Perhaps she too is avoiding you, not because of PTSD but because of your actions and words. Yes, that is an assumption or guess. That is all we have to go by because we don't have her input or version of the situation, only yours. But yours speaks volumes and based on that alone I can understand why she is avoiding you.

being so quick to just say 'dump her'

Doesn't sound like you really need to worry about this aspect of forum members' advice. The girl in question is having a party, hasn't invited you, and has "unfriended" you on Facebook. Sounds like you're the one who has already been dumped.

It's time to drop this whole thing. You need to move on. You have a lot of learning, growing and maturing to do. You can't fix other people. But you certainly have plenty you can work on about your own self. Focus your energy on something you can control.

**The above is my response as a forum member. As a moderator I will remind you that attacking members will not be tolerated. Do not resort to name calling and hurling insults or you may find yourself banned.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Some of the people on this board are straight up idiots. I can see from your narrow/weak minded responses why your on this site in the first place. Jumping to conclusions, assuming things you don't know, being so quick to just say 'dump her' is probably why your lives are so screwed up. That is my opinion.

I have met some of the bravest, most caring and intelligent people on this board. It has never been socially acceptable for me to discuss my OWN EXPERIENCES in life before as it is too gruesome and terrifying for most "normal" people to allow into their conscious minds. "Normal" people deny the possibilities that predators prey on the children in their own families, marry into families who don't pay attention to their children, watch for children who are unprotected. Sure, they feign this knowledge, but they don't believe it could happen to them. They don't believe it's in their own family.

You are in denial and you don't think that growing up with a mother who had PTSD and controlling her and her symptoms.... is a big deal. They think that when they are 22 and "made it" farther than others their age... or farther than was expected of them... that they know the answers to life.

You don't.

I'm sure you have a strong mind... like the rest of us. That you are protecting yourself from the truths of life so that you can function day to day.

If I never came here for help then I would be just some asshole who didn't have the patience for a girl with baggage, used her and dumped her.

Don't come on this board and ask for help when you are in denial. Help will hurt when you reject the truth.

Go in peace, Ironbird.

 

[sea]

Some of the people on this board are straight up idiots. I can see from your narrow/weak minded responses why your on this site in the first place. Jumping to conclusions, assuming things you don't know, being so quick to just say 'dump her' is probably why your lives are so screwed up. That is my opinion.

All right, then, Ironbird. Everybody else is crazy and you're the only sane one.

I can't see why this issue is still being discussed to be honest. The girl is gone. Let her be. You're not winning yourself any points, here. Thanks for the condescending and judgmental remarks, though. Unfortunately you're dealing with a group of people who can spot this kind of shit ten thousand miles away. I'm not sure what you're aiming for now. It doesn't matter at this point what anybody says as she's already told you in clear ways that she doesn't want to be near you any longer. I'll assume that you haven't read any of the shit anybody has taken the time to give you or say to you. At this point it's just your own refusal to see the obvious that's the problem here. It's been pointed out to you in several ways, by several people. Just because people's opinions are contrary to yours doesn't make them wrong. You are not right 100% of the time.

 

[alliz-rag]

I did have good intentions but now I just want to express to her how shes made me feel and then forget about her.

ironbird,

Just looking from the outside in...it seems to me that you want her to acknowledge or reassure you that you will be leaving her. It's easy to sit here behind a keyboard and say "man up"..."take my advice"...but in reality you need to do what is best for you my friend.

I have been in your shoes before and to once again quote my Grandmother "do not look at the things you dont have...cherish the things that you do". I was crushed last year by my ex-GF and as much as it hurts; I know now I am in a better place. Don't get me wrong "the struggle" (what I call it) really sucked but once you realize that there is more to life than the "right now" you will unlock your true potential and not make this woman the answers to all your problems. I am not sitting here telling you to give up...because as men it shows weakness and vulnerability and we refuse to show that side of us; because it equals defeat. But, sometimes to have to face defeat in order to grow and learn. I have embraced Buddhism and there is one quote that sums up this situation "When you lose, don't lose the lesson".

From your earlier post it sounds like you have all the tools to be happy but for some fail to see that. At the end of every year since my Honorable Discharge from the United States Marine Corps in 2008. I have a "year in review" and I hope that you find what I attach inspiring. When I have problems in life, I always tell my "well...it can always be worse", because in reality it can and if you are on this forum then you can relate. The people on here want you to do better and sometimes there is no was to get through to someone besides being 100% honest and blunt.

If I can give you one piece of advice; it this...once you let go...you actually gain so much more.

I share this attachment with you and I hope it helps you on your journey ironbird; it is a piece of me that I hope you find strength in.

alliz-rag

 

[Nicolette]

I am closing this thread as it is heading in a bad direction and not serving any benefit for Ironbird - it is just becoming a case of members butting heads.