I Need Some Help With This Friendship Stuff

[Philippa]

The whole deal about the mix up about the day you needed her help, you also wrote that she admitted later she simply forgot. The red flag here is that instead of admitting to that straight away, you go back and forth on who is responsible for the mix up, making you confused about, and questioning what you had arranged. On top of that, it was a big deal for you and a very emotional task you were going on that day.

That is very true actually. I couldn't tell at the time as I was extremely stoned and still in shock and disbelief. I was in a really vulnerable place, and she knew that.

If she in any way felt pressured to help her friend in this difficult time, the appropriate thing to do would be to either decline to help if she really did not want to, or to 'shut up' about it. You are there in the car already, so it is very inapproriate and inconsiderate to lay that guilt upon you! And you felt that!

Thankyou, I thought so too. Extremely inconsiderate, but demanding me to be considerate of her feelings. Unbelievable.

'She would rather go camping'! What? Self-centred, non emphathetic,'spoiled brat' and in my oppinion a very narcissistic comment given the situation you were in!

It wasn't that she said she'd rather go camping as much as she had already planned to go camping that night, had packed all her stuff and was also having a market the next day to raise some money at the spot where we were going to camp. There are local markets at this place every saturday, so it would not have been a big deal to wait a week...but she had her hopes up for it happening that night and that's why I felt bad, because I knew she had gotten her hopes up and I know how much that sucks when you have to sacrifice something you want to do for someone else, and she had been saying that she had been doing loads of stuff to help friends lately and never getting anything she wanted to do done because of it, so I could see her situation, and empathized with her.

At the time I didn't know what to say to her laying this on me. I'd literally just got in the door and was about to eat my burger and she brought it up again?/ Why? To make me feel guilty, when I already felt like crap. She even knew I did, and she knew the effect that her words had, but she didn't care.

I could go on about the red flags in her behavior, but the key to discover if you are dealing with a narcissist is they way they make you feel. Some of the key emotions are: confusion, irritability, drained, and a ' what happend there' sort of feeling, but I guess that leads back to confusion.

Well, she definitely left me feeling confused and drained. I did not feel angry until the next day when she'd gone. It was a delayed reaction. The 'what just happened' thing was definitely there. I still can't believe she said that to me, in that context? What tha?
What is so hilarious about this is she goes on constantly about how horrible and evil everyone is to her...but she's no better.
I got the message in my head that she thinks I'M the horrible one. Talk about projection.

If the concept of reincarnation is actually a reality I must have been such a f*cking bitch in my past lives to people, because it seems I've had nothing but f*ckwits in my face for most of my life...all pulling this crap on me at times when I really need help and support. This isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened, believe me. It's just the most recent story of it happening.

When you are dealing with a narcissist, and especially in an emotional situation, you are not getting your needs met, instead you are there to meet their needs, and if you don't comply to their plans or what they want to do, they do not hesitate to make you feel bad about it.

My father and mother are both like this, so I'm aware of the behavior, but I just didn't see it at the time,in this scenario, or I did, but it didn't become totally clear to me because of the state I was in, what was really going on..

For a narcissist it is all about me, myself and I! Helping others, where there is nothing in it for them, angers them. But they sometimes have to, inorder to try and keep that friendship mask on.

Well, I can't say if this is the case with her or not, but it is started to seem that way. She's very convincing though. I really thought she wanted to be my friend. She even made a point of saying "you know I'm your friend, don't you" and sounded like she was unsure and caring in her voice. I did not tell her my true thoughts, that I had been questioning the friendship and suspected that she just uses me to get her needs met, and really doesn't want me around except when she has emotional needs that need to be met.

The reason why my 'friend' could get away with her behavior for so long (4 years) was due to my own 'humanity'. I, like you, always questioned my own perception by excusing her behavior:" I am sure she did not mean to", "I was not clear enough", She was proberly tired"..

Well, I've certainly been doing this. Even today discussing her with other people and here, I still found myself making excuses like being tired and young etc. It's so hard to discern because these factors can create situations like this, and I think it's definitely a factor that she is young, immature, self-centred etc. but that does not make her a narcissist, because most young people are exactly like this, and it's not mental disorder at work, it's just stage in life and normal behavior, as frustrating as it can be.and is.

I wish you the best!

Thankyou kindly.

 

[Philippa]

Maybe you should give her a bit of that harshness.

Now I'm getting more confused with different messages from people. I have had friends advising me to not let too loose as this will only piss her off and I don't really have the emotional reserves or energy to argue right now. My priority is healing from the grief and loss I have just experienced.

To be honest a part of me wants to just let loose and not care about her feelings, but that would make me just like her, and I don't want to be that way. I guess it's too late for that though, because I cut loose at my father whenever he contacts me (after I've told him not to)...

 

[Philippa]

Here is a letter I just wrote to this person. I was wondering if any of you would mind going over it and giving me feedback as to whether it is still too angry, or just angry enough, or...whatever.

I know I am feeling pretty angry right now, and that has probably come across in the letter.



Hi, I need to express some things to you about the other night. I was stoned and distressed and was not able to really work out how I felt until about a day later, when it dawned on me how angry I felt..

When you said that you felt pressured to me, it made me feel hurt, and it also made me wonder why you would mention this when I had my dead baby frozen on my lap??

You're timing was completely inappropriate, and I'm sorry you felt pressured but putting that guilt on me at that particular time was inconsiderate, to say the least and I felt that you placed your own feelings above mine in importance...and that's just not ok.

Since you are the one who did not speak up about it before coming to my place in the first place, it would have been more appropriate if you had simply said nothing and just owned the fact that you didn't speak up about feeling that way when you felt it. Telling me when I was in that state...I still can't believe you did...or that I had to put all my own grieving, sadness, pain and not to mention jetlag and stonedness, aside to meet your needs.

It's not the first time I have felt this way either. I felt completely disrespected when you basically refused to adapt to my name change, which I explained to you was something I felt the need to do to help ME in the painful seperation between me and my family of origin.

I understood that it was confusing, and made allowances and showed a lot of patience, but everyone else I knew adapted within a week, without complaint. A year and a half later, and after me asking you twice, you still weren't willing to call me by the name I chose...all because you didn't think it suited me??

It's really not the point whether you thought it suited me or not...the point was it was MY IDENTITY you were playing with, and I don't think you really understood what I fragile state I was in when I made that decision, and how it affected me that you wouldn't adapt to my new name, or what it even meant to me.

It is a moot point now, as I've decided that I miss Philippa and have changed it back, but the point of me bringing it up at all was to show that it is not the first time I have felt disrespected because of something you have said or done without considering how it might affect me. You seem to complain all the time about others mistreating you, when you do it as well.

While I am on a role here I may as well also mention that next time you are feeling suicidal because you've had a fight with nils, and you don't think you will follow through on those feelings...please do not send me texts expressing your suicidal feelings at 7a.m. I will not look at or reply to any text or call that comes to me before at least 10a.m every day...from anyone. I don't think you really got how that affected me. If it is just a passing feeling and you are not intending to act on it, put it in a journal...write it down but don't dump it on me at 7a.m and wake me up. It's inconsiderate.

It is hard to feel that you are a real friend to me when I have so much evidence to the contrary. I needed EMOTIONAL support when I brought the cat home! I'm grateful to you that you went out of your way to drive me there, and that was helpful on a practical level of course, but having you basically tell me that you were afraid I would turn out like all the others and not pay you petrol money and then the stuff about feeling pressured...that was NOT what I needed at all.

It could have waited...at least an hour, maybe a few. There is no good reason that I can think of as to why you needed to tell me at that exact time, when I had my frozen dead cat on my lap!! How would you feel if someone said that to you in my position?

 

[nomedic1]

I would send it, it's a good letter.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks.

 

[Philippa]

I sent her the letter, though I refined it somewhat so that I was mainly structuring my words in the way therapists advise...that is, to keep it about me and not her. So I was mainly using sentences like: " When you did ...... I felt disrespected." And: "It felt like there was some subtle manipulation going on when you told me about all the people who had taken advantage of your goodwill and not paid petrol money when they said they would. Why would you tell me about this, and why would you put that guilt on me when my cats dead body was sitting on my lap and you knew I was distressed already?" What were you thinking?" Stuff like that.

I felt relieved after I sent it, and managed to have a sleep and rest. It's good to not have to think about it anymore.

I also requested that if the letter pissed her off, that she take a few days to reply as I am in no state for a fight, and demanded only respectful and amicable discourse if she does reply.

I felt a little nervous afterwards as well, about what I will find when she does reply...as she is quite fierce herself and a Scorpio :D.

I guess her response will be very revealing either way.

 

[maddog]

Sorry I was slow to come back here to respond Philippa, but for what it's worth, I think that if the letter brought you a sense of empowerment (God, I hate that word, but you know what I mean...) and felt like the right thing to do for *you*, then it's a good thing that you wrote and sent it. What she does with it is her choice, just as writing it was yours.

Really glad you feel some rest and relief to have done so, and I hope that you can both move forward from this in a way that feels safer and more mutual, whatever that may look like.

And I really, really appreciated what you said about my comments, that meant a lot to me, particularly as I did feel a bit intrusive to respond asI did.

Maddog

 

[Philippa]

Thank you maddog. I'm glad you enjoyed my comments, and they are all true. You are one of the least intrusive people I'm met online.

 

[nomedic1]

Glad you sent it.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I felt so much better afterwards, and today I feel really good, much stronger. I'm going to wait another day or until I feel even more centred before I read her response, which is sitting in my PM box right now.

 

[nomedic1]

Good thinking, always best to be in the right mindset.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou all for the support. I really appreciate the feedback I received here.