I Need To Talk About Something Very Uncomfortable..

[Krysta Dailey]

So my partner and I have been together for over 4 years now. He knows i was repeatedly sexually assaulted by ex, as well as molested as a kid.

It's not until i met my current partner that we started experimenting with rougher forms of sex.

Anyway, recently I seemed to have triggered something inside myself due to a combination of talking to my mother about my things i remembered pre 6 years old to do with my Dad and stuff. Nothing weird just memories i jave weird feelings bout.

Then my partner and i started discussing stranger danger in relation to his son, which escalated in to a discussion abojt childhood sexual abuse.

As im trying to go to sleep an old memory resurfaces where i am between 4 and 5 years old and i am being put in a taxi alone. But this time i can remember a bit of the ride. Nothing strange just me talking to the driver. But then the memory stops and a voice that feels disconnected somehow to the memory pops in to my head. It's a man saying "what a good girl you are".

Thats not weird or traumatic.

But my reaction was so strange. Suddenly my anxiety escalated to probably like an 11. It was so f*cking sharp i felt like i couldn't breathe and if my partners son wasnt asleep in the next room i felt like i would have seriously injured myself to make it stop.

Then after like...2 minutes it just stopped.
But episodes like that happened all through the night until 4am when i had to get up to my partners son.

My reaction has still been a pervasive sense of fragility. I feeling that is so familiar to me now but something i havent felt to the core in years. Not since my ex.

But also ever since that memory snippet i am almost constantly aroused. Ive been masturbating daily since it happened and doing stuff with my partner too.

I just... i feel horrible. I feel violent and i just have this urge for rough controlling sex all the time. It's just strange for me.

Usually i enjoy it to an extent but then when it actuallu happens like he ties me up or something similar it prooves to much for my mind and we have to stop after awhile.

This was not the case.

Im so confused and i feel so disgusting. Afterwards i feel like the scum of the earth and absoloutely disgusted with myself.

I started looking back at my childhood so like 7-9 years old. Pre my stepdad molesting me and i realised i would masterbate in my sleep often waking up in an orgasm... how did i know what that was? I remember dreams of me having sex... at that age? Its not until recently i realised how odd that was.

I just. I have no idea what to do or how to feel or what the fact any of it means.

I feel frantic and scared and out of control. I have mentioned the memory fragment to my psychiatrist. But i havent told him my full reaction. I dont trust him yet.

Sorry... god i feel awkward writing all of this out. I dont even know what i want. Reassurance im not going crazy? I dont know...

Anyone experienced anything like this before?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

All I know is that sexual tension due to thoughts of rape or sexual abuse is normal (at least I read that it is) so if you are flooded by these memories you are probably also being flooded by your body's response to trauma.

 

[Friday]

My libido matches my stress levels neck & neck. Only real difference between what you described & I live is that I don't feel ashamed, disgusted, confused, or dirty afterward. Or at any point. I love and adore just about every aspect of sex. The only time I ever get annoyed with my libido is when it skyrockets in response to something else, but I'm functionally celibate. That's vexing. Because it is such a phenomenal tool in my arsenal, when it's actually in my arsenal! Although, the upside is that if I'm not minding my stress levels carefully? It's a pretty big tell for me when it kicks into high gear, that -especially if sex isn't an option, right now, but even when it is- I need to really pay attention to both my self care & what's going on in my life.

 

[Casey_03]

I've had this happen. And it's really infuriating when you can't fully remember. You just get that snippet and it sends you spiraling out of control, and yet you don't really know why because it's still mostly blocked.

The increase in libido is normal too. You're not crazy. Don't worry.

 

[Krysta Dailey]

Thanks for being so open guys :) appreciate it!

 

[Canticle]

So my partner and I have been together for over 4 years now. He knows i was repeatedly sexually a...

I respect your courage and honesty. I believe that what you are experiencing is part of your healing process and copping mechanism.

My ex wife endured a very simular tramatic childhood. She was sexualy abused by her Father since she was six years old until she was 12. She explained to me that it was difficult for her to enjoy sensual or gentlle sex; for, that is how her Father was with her.

I loved her true and wanted to do whatever it took to help her heal emotionaly and spitualy.

I was greatful that I was able to satisfy her sexual needs and help her work through some of the psychological wounds and selfworth issues.

I believe that what you are experiencing is a normal reaction to the type of abuse that you have endured. I wish with all my heart that you see how beautiful you are always.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I wish you srength, courage and love!

 

[zoie33]

I can also relate. When I am getting flooded with memories my want for let's call it destructive sex is out of control. My T said it is perfectly normal and just your body's way of dealing with all the feelings. It sucks when it is happening though I thought it was losing my mind a couple weeks ago.

 

[wishball]

So my partner and I have been together for over 4 years now. He knows i was repeatedly sexually a...

From what my therapist has told me, rough sex is sometime a way to cope. It is trauma re-enactment, where you try to get some control, by being in the position to say stop, and it stops.