MoriMermaid
Bronze Member
There's something that I've been keeping inside from people simply because it's been hard to explain. I feel that today is the day that this has to be let go like a dove released into the air.
I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. I met N. on another social media site back in October 2014. I had been abused emotionally and verbally previously, by men and boys. I knew there were red flags when I look back at the situation; however, I can't be blamed for no knowing them or knowing what to do in a situation like this nor can I blame myself, although I did for a long time. N. was okay at first -- kind, gentle, all of those things that someone would want. About two months in, he started with his "dreams" -- I called them fantasies, and he would have screamed at me had he been here in front of me that day. I could feel the tone of those typed words on that white screen. Don't ask me how I know. That's the kind of guy he was. The dreams consisted of everything that involved sex and what he wanted to do to me from wanting to see my breasts on Skype to laying down in a field while it was raining while wearing white t-shirts and letting whatever happened happen. Some people might call it sexting, but to someone who was abused previously, this experience was painful. I learned how to freeze, how to dissociate, how to reset and forget. He would continue even though I said no, and I eventually isolated from him and everyone else because as a child I had been told that the only way to get help was to help myself or that everything was fine. N. had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and that brought with it challenges. His behavior changed daily. To me, it was like turning a light switch on and off and not knowing what to expect. The only thing I did know is that there would been some sexual moment. This may have had something to do with him seeing so many women behind his wife's back.
I remember the day N. left like it was yesterday. We were talking and then he told me that he had something to show me. I froze. My mind raced. I knew what was going to happen. In that moment, there was a decision I made without thinking. I asked him if he loved himself. This threw him off, and he said no, that he had very low self-esteem. Asking him that question prevented me from getting hurt even further. After this moment of strength, he basically blew up at me and told me that I was crazy and that I needed to see a shrink then he blocked me. In July, he came back wanted to be friends and claimed that he forgot everything. I told him that I wasn't available anymore and blocked him quickly. I feel so sorry for his wife and hope she got out. I hope he got the help he needed. I hope that all of the other women whose lives he touched got through without too much damage.
People used to tell me that because I wasn't touched physically it wasn't abuse. In November of last year, I was told that I experienced sexual abuse. I'm here to say I'm a sexual abuse survivor. If no one believes me, that's okay. I know it happened. I live with the scars and trauma every day. I heal, I suffer, I climb back to my feet to go through another day. For a while, he changed the way I saw me and the world in general; however, things are slowly changing. From this experience, I learned that I'm both asexual and aromantic and have no interest in anything but deep connections without sex or romance. I forgave him and forgave myself and started to heal. I make it a priority of mine to make sure survivors (especially the ones like me) are heard and that they're believed. That's all a person needs to start -- someone to believe and to believe in them.
I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. I met N. on another social media site back in October 2014. I had been abused emotionally and verbally previously, by men and boys. I knew there were red flags when I look back at the situation; however, I can't be blamed for no knowing them or knowing what to do in a situation like this nor can I blame myself, although I did for a long time. N. was okay at first -- kind, gentle, all of those things that someone would want. About two months in, he started with his "dreams" -- I called them fantasies, and he would have screamed at me had he been here in front of me that day. I could feel the tone of those typed words on that white screen. Don't ask me how I know. That's the kind of guy he was. The dreams consisted of everything that involved sex and what he wanted to do to me from wanting to see my breasts on Skype to laying down in a field while it was raining while wearing white t-shirts and letting whatever happened happen. Some people might call it sexting, but to someone who was abused previously, this experience was painful. I learned how to freeze, how to dissociate, how to reset and forget. He would continue even though I said no, and I eventually isolated from him and everyone else because as a child I had been told that the only way to get help was to help myself or that everything was fine. N. had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and that brought with it challenges. His behavior changed daily. To me, it was like turning a light switch on and off and not knowing what to expect. The only thing I did know is that there would been some sexual moment. This may have had something to do with him seeing so many women behind his wife's back.
I remember the day N. left like it was yesterday. We were talking and then he told me that he had something to show me. I froze. My mind raced. I knew what was going to happen. In that moment, there was a decision I made without thinking. I asked him if he loved himself. This threw him off, and he said no, that he had very low self-esteem. Asking him that question prevented me from getting hurt even further. After this moment of strength, he basically blew up at me and told me that I was crazy and that I needed to see a shrink then he blocked me. In July, he came back wanted to be friends and claimed that he forgot everything. I told him that I wasn't available anymore and blocked him quickly. I feel so sorry for his wife and hope she got out. I hope he got the help he needed. I hope that all of the other women whose lives he touched got through without too much damage.
People used to tell me that because I wasn't touched physically it wasn't abuse. In November of last year, I was told that I experienced sexual abuse. I'm here to say I'm a sexual abuse survivor. If no one believes me, that's okay. I know it happened. I live with the scars and trauma every day. I heal, I suffer, I climb back to my feet to go through another day. For a while, he changed the way I saw me and the world in general; however, things are slowly changing. From this experience, I learned that I'm both asexual and aromantic and have no interest in anything but deep connections without sex or romance. I forgave him and forgave myself and started to heal. I make it a priority of mine to make sure survivors (especially the ones like me) are heard and that they're believed. That's all a person needs to start -- someone to believe and to believe in them.
