I Never Thought I'd Live As Long As I Have

[Vemoto]

I had the conviction ever since I was very young that at a certain age I would die in a car accident. That year came and went. I came near to having two car accidents that year and one actual car accident that should have killed me but I managed to come out of it without a scratch.

That was four years ago. My own physical health has gotten better than the year before ever since then. Yet, several people in my circle have died in the last few years and I tend to obsess about death - how and when they died, what their experience was, what they looked like, and my own death - how and when it will happen. How will I be in the face of my own death. It seems that having thoughts of death somewhat in the forefront of my mind sometimes gives me a deep appreciation of my life, and life in general, and that's amazing. Yet, I also feel having thoughts about death holds me back from living my life to the fullest.

Does anyone else have thoughts about death like I do, or am I just weird?

 

[Netoza]

I used to have thoughts about death like you do, long time ago though. It was also at a time when lots of people died one after another. I mean people who meant something to me. I thought and inquired into death, so to speak, because I was scared of it, my own death and that of other people I loved or liked. Later, I found out it wasn't about me being scared of death but of life, living.

 

[Ikof]

Thank you for posting a reply. I was beginning to think, yep, I'm weird . . . everyone on the "outside" thinks that and since no one had replied then that meant everyone here, on the "inside" must think it also, lol! PTSD can put a lot of weird and unwelcome thoughts into one's head.

I know I'm scared of life, living. It's a Catch-22 sort of thing . . . I'm afraid of making a stupid decision (again) and being hurt and my life becoming even more unmanageable than it is - I'm fairly stable at the moment and "comfortable" but definately not "lilving" -

 

[Ivufe]

Nah, one of the known symptoms of PTSD is a sense of a "foreshortened future". It's common for trauma survivors to be stuck with the sense that we were meant to die and will be soon, though it's often something that's part of our subconscious and may not seem so clear or easy to articulate. I know this sense hit me personally the hardest when I was about 14. I grew up in a difficult, abusive family and by 14, thought my life would be done soon. I didn't know why or how, but I was sure of it. I wrote a suicide story, a fable, and gave it to a favorite teacher. I got lost in a very dark place, and it is hard to even think back on it.

I still struggle with that sense, that I won't achieve what I'm capable of, that I or those I love will die suddenly, prematurely.

You are not alone in that, but the good news is, these are typically internal distorted cognitions, not external objective realities.

 

[Oret]

This is me "Vemoto" and "Ikof" - not sure why I'm morphing into others. Anyways, the first sense of this emerging from my subconscious to consciouness was sometime between the age of 12 and 14. And then it really "came home" to me when I was 17 and someone threatened me with a gun to my head. Since then, it's either been subtly in the background of my awareness or right in front.

these are typically internal distorted cognitions, not external objective realities.

So, how does one work with it????

 

[Iloh]

Ivufe here again. I don't know the "official" answer to how to work with it, but I can tell you how I've worked with it. I try to reach out for reassurance when I need it: I've been talking about my trauma in therapy and I often have this semi-conscious worry that I'm running out of time and my therapist will disappear. So, she encourages me to reach out anytime I want to, and I've come to be honest with her about fearing I won't get to next week. I reach out to my husband for reassurance too.

I have thoughts too, about not doing anything worthwhile in my life, that I'll die before I really reach my potential. I deal with the worries about dying to soon by being active, pushing myself to accomplish more.

As for the scary death-related 'daymares', originally about me, and now more about those I care about, well, now that you mention it... I've figured they were normal so long (before I got my diagnosis and started realizing some of these things were not universal) that I've just seen so many variations on them I dismiss them as like little nightmares, I guess: disturbing but not relevant. The "this can't really hurt me" and "isn't really likely" response I suppose.

My therapist gently tries to help me put these issues in perspective too, and I remind myself occasionally about statistics about mortality rates and how there truly is no reason for me to have a foreshortened future, nor for my family to, that I do not need to act in accordance with that fear-filled old tape playing in my head.

I think a lot of the cure for me will be working more through the trauma, just as I want to discharge my excessive responses to stress and fear, I'd like to discharge the sense of being trapped that causes this feeling, it's outdated!

 

[Netoza]

So, how does one work with it????

Netoza here.

My therapist's answer to this is: You work around it.

I read a modern fairytale once. A palm tree was used as a symbol for a person and their experiences in life, a stone as a difficult experience. One time, a big stone the size of a head was forced upon the palm tree when it was still growing to be tall and strong. The palm tree couldn't get rid of the stone, no matter how hard it tried. It still continued growing and kept the stone in it's center and grew around it. It made peace with the stone, accepted it as part of it although they never "melted", the stone remained a stone, the tree a tree. This is what I told my therapist about once and she thought this was a good way of explaining it, which is why I'm passing it on. As to how, what steps to take, etc., I think everyone of us has to find their own ways.

By the way, when I was a child, I thought and said to many people around me, that I would not ever get older than 17. I don't know why I chose that number. But I remember how 17 felt so very, very far away and it felt so totally and utterly impossible to ever get there. It felt odd ending up there, as if someone had made a mistake. Some years it still feels odd having gotten to here, around 40. I have extended my former limit of 17; can not imagine getting to 50 or 60.

 

[Vejesac]

Vemoto-Ikof-Oret here. lol.

My own parents (like many at the time) believed protecting their children from final illness of loved ones and their death was the right thing for parents to do. My siblings and me weren't allowed to see our paternal great-grandparents or our paternal grandfather in his later years or attend their funerals. It was something clothed in mystery - a "no-no" - and confusing. We had many animals growing up, so certainly we were exposed to their deaths by natural causes and from my parents slaughtering them for food. Why the mystery surrounding humans didn't make sense to me. My first direct experience with death was at 16. I was a high school cheerleader and my boyfriend on the football team. He collapsed on the field and died in my arms from an undiagnosed heart condition. It was sad and scary for me, but not nearly as big of deal as my parents made it out to be with refusing to let me attend his funeral. I went anyways and, of course, my disobedience towards them was a big deal too. My BF's parents were entirely different welcoming me into their circle of grief and celebration for the happiness my BF had added to their and so many other's lives. He was a good guy.

Thanks, Netoza, for the story about the rock and the palm tree. I'll remember it. It's a good one that could apply to different things.

I've been pondering about the propensity I have around thinking about death a lot lately, trying to make sense of it. I think part of my problem (if one could call it that) is due to the difference in attitudes towards death that my parents had and I had/have. In general, death (the event) doesn't disturb me too much - what I mean is that I don't have a fear of it, my own or other peoples, or a fear of my emotions or the emotions of others that are touched by death. Pondering the subject this week, I realized that my thoughts about death and visualizing it are heightened when my PTSD symptoms have been more severe. Perhaps PTSD changing brain function has a contributing affect. I began medication to help me manage my symptoms in general a couple of weeks ago and just realized that yesterday and today I didn't have any thoughts related to death . . . hmmmmmm.

I really appreciate myptsd for allowing us to bring up topics that aren't easily discussed with others, sometimes not even with one's therapist. It's good to know I'm not entirely alone, people sometimes often have at least somewhat similar experiences to my own, and provide feedback that helps on our journey towards healing. Thanks for the replies. Much appreciated!!!

 

[Ada]

I never thought I'd live as long as I have. I always thought I would die young. I don't think you are unusual in your thoughts.