I Realize That I

[Tinyflame]

I realize that my dad treated me like an adult, though he was infinitely aware and desirous that I have a childhood (he didn't). I don't blame him at all, I know it wasn't his fault and in fact I liked and appreciated he gave me credit for understanding/ intelect. But he didn't know I would internalize it (because I was a child).

I realize I have never heard a man say I love you. Except my dad in writing. Oh, I mean some I left did cry, maybe there was a bit of 'love' there. Long-term relationships never did. (Oh ya, but virtually all of the 'pervs' and stalkers did- OMG. That was even worse.) But only on my dad's death bed (because he forgot(?) to say it when having the 'end of life talk'), I said it first and he said 'I love you too', but as a nothing thing. It twisted me forever about the concept. I never say I love you to a man and rarely to even family. I would never ask, either, because I think like my dad if I had to ask it would mean it wasn't so. But it's not about words, it's about what I believe. I realize that 'I hate you' or variants I believe of myself.

However, all that 'junk' being said, I realize I only agreed to go out with not-very-nice men, and ones that were totally self-preoccupied, very egotistical. Because I didn't want any attention on myself whatsoever, or 'feelings'.

 

[Red Feather]

I realize that I am not feeling well lately, mostly because my lungs arent doing well so I am more tired and depressed. Frustrated that life is so hard and tiring.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I realize that I need stronger boundries with people. When put on the spot, I do not have good boundries and really need to get stronger inside to prevent troubles in the future with people doing things that I do not really want to do.

 

[Britt.f7]

I realize that it may take awhile for me to get better and that I have to keep looking towards the positives if that is going to happen. That sounds a bit negative doesn't it?! "if" I need to take "if" out of my thoughts.

 

[MissKB]

I realize that I need to stop trying to please my mother. It will never happen and I just need to accept it.

 

[Britt.f7]

I realize that I need to take a shower. It's amazing to me that I dare to even go without. I never did as a child, through young adult. It has only been since the depression took over and I don't sit in the tub anymore. Too big. I realize that I am not going to feel good about myself if I don't feel clean.

 

[macca]

I realize that I need to stop trying to please my mother

Same, only relating to my father. They are not going to change! We don't need to please them anymore, though in the past it seemed the only option.

 

[Britt.f7]

I realize that my past will always be my past. There is no changing that. All I can do is deal with today. Perhaps a little of the future in preparation. I can do this. I have faith.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I realize that I have anger towards my mom for missing some obvious signs when I was younger and suffering in silence.

 

[roaminggnome]

I realize now that I should have been hospitalized over the weekend. My depression, bipolar and PTSD symptoms worsened since there was a code red (fire) in the hospital I was visiting. It was horrible for me-alarms, strobe light, announcements, and then being locked in a room when I knew there was a fire one floor below. Add forgetting to take my medication one night into this scenario and you can understand why I should have been hospitalized this past weekend. I'm feeling better today. I have therapy tomorrow and am hoping that it helps.

 

[The Albatross]

I realize that I still have a junk yard dog mentality for people who hurt my friends. Impotent anger or indignation is a b*tch still. This has happened not twice most recently and it is difficult to manage because they are both my by phone friends and mutual support.

I really need to get a handle on this.

 

[Britt.f7]

I realize that I will have sleep days not related to the depression but due to my illness. That they will happen if I have a number of good days in a row. That my body needs to do this. I will not(try not to) beat myself up over this.