I Realize That I

[Abstract]

That one thread has helped me realise a couple of things about my reactions and the reason for them. Its still not totally clear and I need to sit and connect to it a bit. Obviously my situation is different, no life and death, and different reactions but its jolted some connections. Its the feeling of being cross examined/interrogated and I think its possible this plays up in therapy at times to various extents. Talking about emotional dynamics here with an underlying threat of or actual violence and as a sort of backdrop to a lot of my childhood. For me with this it was double bind and no win but I would either have been trying and trying or would try to check out in some way as there was no winning. I was in my 30's when I was able to acknowledge the point wasn't the questions or supposed agenda and was rather about aggression and control.

 

[Teasel]

^^What she said^^

It's really hard innit x

 

[Abstract]

@berlinda x Sorry you relate. It is. Still trying to get my head around it.

 

[Abstract]

Not one to imagine gaslighting here there and everywhere but have just come to the realisation that this has been happening in my work situation. Keep saying to me that I didn't understand or didnt say what I did. Now when I recorded it then silence. The silence has just allowed the penny to drop. I honestly think the entire approach has been founded on expert manipulation. Which they would say is paranoia on my part. Keep turning all around at the person and its hard for them to find any traction. Would like to add more which would make it more believable but it be too identifying.

 

[Rani G2]

have been eating unhealthy for a long time, and struggling to eat well

 

[Rani G2]

create illusions in order to escape.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I am angry at the irresponsibility of my parents to not practice birth control (re, me). That my mother thought her lack of a period (I presume??) was that she was in 'change of life'- at 35 and a nurse. Not that it was her fault, probably stress+ exhaustion+ holding on by a thread- managing 3 rugrats fulltime work a house no car and no help, with an absentee spouse who was alcoholic and then actively drinking, aka 'good man-bad problem'.

I realize this minute I wish (x1000) I hadn't been born.

 

[Tinyflame]

^^ I feel badly for saying that about my parents. :( Read today a birth is a sign of hope. ?? My dad quit drinking about 10 weeks later, out of his choice. Anyway, they did the best they could, which was a lot better than they should have been able, considering what befell each of them individually, and both of them together. ? And still weren't ever mean or nasty or disgruntled or not-kind people, and not self-pitying or unthankful, or not-funny, or selfish. Better than I am.

 

[Abstract]

Glad you were born Junebug.

 

[Abstract]

I want more authenticity and self expression in my life. I have forced myself to change for all my life and now I want to continue to grow but to focus on being me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Abstract :hug: .

 

[Rani G2]

I am not intelligent enough.....