I Realize That I

[Teasel]

Relate to that ever so @Junebug :hug: very poetically expressed but yes. Shall we take the key back do you think? :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

i think in sanity @berlinda it's all we can do. Time to ask myself why it hurts and bothers me, not focus on them. My reaction/ feelings says more about me.

Thank you for tagging me, because I wanted to come back to say (for myself, only):

-Don't be the last one to get to the party sober; such is to be expected (inevitable).
-I was able to limit doing anything I would regret.
-Maybe (despite myself, but let's (let me) be realistic: being 100% uncared for or about at times, does not mean the same people might not sometimes care about me, at least somewhat.
-(I) shouldn't be a hypocrite. There I am saying people have to find their own way, that applies to everyone. And we do that through the life we live (& our hearts, I think).
-I don't like resenting: I either do stuff because I'm on board and not resenting, or I try not to. To love them with an open heart means to love them, not lip-service. Whole-heartedly or it's not.
-Unrelated: they or others could very well be 100% a better person than I ever will be.

Thanks @berlinda . :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I can't do it on my own. I don't know if that's just factual, and not reason to be discouraged, or very disheartening, and hopeless.

 

[Teasel]

In the same place @Junebug

I think it could be either, am spending a good deal of time in disheartening & hopeless. But I suspect I'd be better to spend my time and energies in factual and behin to do something about it.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

That's the reasonable and sane thing to do, I have no doubt @berlinda . :hug: Am sorry you relate. :( Not knowing what to do about it, makes me think, accept it. But it makes me want to escape. Escape thoughts of it, realities of it, reminders of it, and my mind and heart.

Hugs to you xox.

 

[Teasel]

Not knowing what to do about it, makes me think, accept it. But it makes me want to escape. Escape thoughts of it, realities of it, reminders of it, and my mind and heart

Yes, relate too. Am eating rather a lot of cake just lately.

I think it's ever so understandable for us to feel somewhat hopeless given our histories. To see things from a rather negative viewpoint.

And I understand too, acceptance feels impossible. A death of the heart?

But I rather suspect a change of perspective can make acceptance a wholly different prospect.

Acceptance as in ok this is where I am, what can I do to usefully improve matters? Even if it's very much a baby step by baby step, long haul kind of doing.

I think if I can begin being less isolated, even a little, I will feel a good deal more able to face life. Whatchoo reckon?

Hugs back :hug:

 

[Keming]

i realize i'm having a shitty day. everything goes wrong and when/where is starting to become fluid.
and i just realized i can turn on a fan for grounding. let's do that.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's ever so understandable for us to feel somewhat hopeless given our histories. To see things from a rather negative viewpoint.

Yes. Despair without depression.

acceptance feels.. A death of the heart

Yes.

ok this is where I am, what can I do to usefully improve matters?

I have no idea, for myself. What improves on no past, and no capabilities for a future, I really do not know.

I think tuning out is my only option, send my body out on it's own. I feel no less isolated in a crowd, or one on one, most times. But hopefully it works for you. You are wise. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I fight hard (physically) to show people their value, because I know what it's like to not have any, and have no one there. Equally and oppositely, that is not possible for me to do mentally or as people do in verbal capacities, because I don't believe it of myself.

Like comedians who are often depressives, who can make others laugh, but are not likely to say they're depressed, or talk about it for others. Because they can't. Which maybe contributes to the depression & despair.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't quite have the words or explanation as clearly as what came to me a few days ago, but I was reminded by @ButterflyBean 's thread, I still retained a sense of guilt of why I didn't speak up then, (and I still don't). But I think I realize it did not have to do with not speaking up for the person, which is why I harbored the guilt for not intervening, especially when it resulted in near immediate death (which would have been to late by then, though), but rather because I was accustomed to not speaking up, in general. Now also, and for myself too. Like it came to me when I never spoke up for myself a few years ago to tell the doctor she forgot the freezing; forgot the bloodwork; forgot to test if I was allergic to the dye first (she had said was required), and I said nothing about the pain, including not correcting her it had nothing to do with the body part she thought (it was rather the part that brought me there), and no local anaesthetic.

 

[Tinyflame]

Pretty surprised, am using an online resource and searched 'trust' and there's about 200 audio entries! ? Which I'm actually happy about. I realize, however, after only 11 minutes of one, I really distance myself from believing the good things they say, in relation to 'myself'. So I'm going to try from now on to just allow it to sink in; that is, even if I don't 'feel' it's true about myself, to just let it sit there as, 'what if it were true'/ imagine this is true. Which, I suppose, is an attempt at heart-engagement with the words. And because I know I distance myself from that truth emotionally and intellectually, ie I think it applies to others but not me. So I will listen thinking ~it applies to me. Eiy. ? Up my intake skills, I suppose!

 

[Lionheart]

I realize that I will never be the same after the losses I have suffered, but I will go on doing the best that I can regardless.