I Sabotage Relationships

[Survivor21]

I feel like I just need to vent. I had this issue most of my life.

I was violently abused for most of my life by my father. I also was abused by my ex partner for 5 years. I haven't been in another relationship since. Until recently.

The reason I haven't been in a relationship is because I push people away. I freak out. I have trust issues. I have abandonment issues. My abandonment issues come from being taken away from my abusive parents at 12. I got put into foster homes. I never felt safe there either. It was so bad. I was abused emotionally there as well. I've experienced mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse over the course of my life. No one has ever been a safe person who I can trust.

I haven't been with my current partner for long. He's great. However, I am so scared I'm going to push him away too like I have done with every other man who's tried to love me.

My partner puts up with my mood changes a lot. I always accuse him of ignoring me when he doesn't reply to my messages. My logical mind says he's busy at work but I get scared and I don't know why. He always reassures me that he is not ignoring me. I know he doesn't like it when I do this. He has told me this.
Another way I push him away is when he says words of endearment to me. I don't believe him. I don't know what he sees in me. I'm so messed up! I have trust issues and I'm crazy from this PTSD. It drives me insane. Nightmares, flashbacks etc.

For example, the first time he told me he loved me, I panicked. I had a panick attack. I still haven't been able to recover. Most people want to hear that someone loves them but not me. It scares me so so much!

As much as I say I don't want him in my life, deep down I really do. I am so scared I'm going to push him away. I don't know what to do anymore.

If anyone is an expert at pushing people away, its me. I don't know what to say to him to help him understand.

Can anyone relate? Or am I just crazy?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can anyone relate? Or am I just crazy?

Nope, not crazy. I push everyone away. My rage is there for the same reason. Always defend, get them before they get me. Leave them before they leave me. You think you can handle my past? Yeah? Well take this...and this...oh and this, this, and this. Had enough? Theres more.

All while, in my head, begging them to not leave me.

When they leave, see, everyone goes away.

You're not crazy at all!

 

[Gaining-clarity]

I'm sorry. This sounds horribly stressful. I find relationships in general very stressful. Not quite as intense as you though. I was always aloof and didn't show much of anything. Never really connected, neither tried to.

I do believe that things can change though. Believe it or not, you are loveable. And believe it or not there are men who will love you, and understand, and have patience, and will help you heal.

Exactly as you are right now, you are loveable. Trust is always a risk. We never learn it without taking the risk to trust. That's what I've found. At first I just said, well, I don't get it. I don't know why my husband would love me. I don't see how or why it could be. But just because I don't get it doesn't mean it isn't true. I have him the benefit of the doubt. Then I gradually began to actually feel loved. I started to believe it. Now I don't doubt it.

There are men who will surprise you. They will see who you are, beneath/aside from all the issues, and they will love you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Survivor21 Your boyfriend doesn't need to understand anything, so having a conversation with him and trying to help him understand is senseless. What needs to happen is you need to find a way to stop your behavior of pushing people away. This is your issue and trying to explain it, and then down the road you push people away isn't going to solve anything. You keep repeating the same behavior over and over again, and yet you expect a different outcome.

I get the you have all of these issues, I do... But until you address your issues in therapy and really figure out why you do this, and how to stop the behavior, nothing is going to change in your life.

You can only push people away so many times, before they walk away for good....

 

[Ann Barry]

Sounds like "Avoidant Love Addict" stuff to me, but I'm no therapist.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you in therapy? I don't think this behavior will change if you're not working on healing.

 

[Ann Barry]

Do you mean me? IF "yes", then Yes I am in therapy. Didn't yet get to the attachment stuff yet. Too much here & now stuff lately.

 

[aut555]

It's self-preservation. It's something you have had to do all your life. It helps you deal with things. I don't wish to judge, but l do it too. Sometimes we push away bad people. Sometimes a few good people. Life happens. But if you start recognizing the thought process as it happens, then step back and say l am getting those l am uncomfortable and l feel like pushing you away at this moment. Maybe this is a code word that when you say pink bunnies, your partner understands you need a little space for five mins. Or sit down and journal your emotions or: are you getting an idea of how you wish to acknowledge this? Best regards.

 

[Ann Barry]

Probably didn't mean me. Isn't everybody in therapy?

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you mean me? IF "yes", then Yes I am in therapy. Didn't yet get to the attachment stuff yet. Too...

I didn't quote you or tag you. I was speaking to the op as is standard when there is no quote or tag.

There are many people here who are not in treatment now, have never been in treatment, or do not have a formal diagnosis. One cannot assume that everyone is in therapy. If the OP isn't in therapy and working on overall healing, there's not much a bunch of strangers on a forum can do to save her relationship or help her relationship issues.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I'm sorry. This sounds horribly stressful. I find relationships in general very stressful. Not...

Your post gives me hope...thank you.