somethingsomething
Bronze Member
For those who have read my previous post, you know that there was a kid I was close to during my/our abuse. I've since felt the need to contact him, because I just need to talk to him about everything.
Well...I "ran into" him a few days ago. I put "ran into" in quotation marks because we didn't "obviously" see each other or talk to each other...but we were clearly in each other's field of vision. Pretty damn close to one another.
So long story short, I just froze. I don't understand how I've been wanting to talk to this guy for I don't know how long...and I literally couldn't do it. I really couldn't. I was terrified. I even had a letter I wrote that I was planning on giving to him to explain everything. It was a pretty simple, well thought out letter that in no way gives weight to the abuse, more so how we loved and took care of each other during that time. I couldn't even do that. I'm pretty sure he saw me. But I was so frozen and terrified, I kept looking away, so he couldn't catch my eye.
I guess I was just terrified of the outcome. I mean, this is my first time seeing him since I know who he is, and it was like I almost didn't even know how to process it. And I guess I'm worried he doesn't know how to process it either. He was also with a group of friends...which definitely didn't make it easier. If he would've been by himself, I suppose I could've mustered up the courage to at least give him the letter.
It just doesn't help a part of me keeps holding on to this idea that he's "coming back for me." Because I froze - and all I could do and think was wait for him to say something...or rather, come after me. But the thing is, I know that just stems from 3-year-old self assuming he'll always come back for me (he did once.) But my 27-year-old self knows better at this point. And it's so frustrating! I feel like it gets in the way of my rational thinking a lot. I don't think it's crazy to assume he could tell me hi, but to not go after him and just assume he'll make the move when I've been wanting nothing more but to speak to him for god knows how long? That just doesn't even make sense to me.
I'm just really frustrated and unsure about how to handle this.
Well...I "ran into" him a few days ago. I put "ran into" in quotation marks because we didn't "obviously" see each other or talk to each other...but we were clearly in each other's field of vision. Pretty damn close to one another.
So long story short, I just froze. I don't understand how I've been wanting to talk to this guy for I don't know how long...and I literally couldn't do it. I really couldn't. I was terrified. I even had a letter I wrote that I was planning on giving to him to explain everything. It was a pretty simple, well thought out letter that in no way gives weight to the abuse, more so how we loved and took care of each other during that time. I couldn't even do that. I'm pretty sure he saw me. But I was so frozen and terrified, I kept looking away, so he couldn't catch my eye.
I guess I was just terrified of the outcome. I mean, this is my first time seeing him since I know who he is, and it was like I almost didn't even know how to process it. And I guess I'm worried he doesn't know how to process it either. He was also with a group of friends...which definitely didn't make it easier. If he would've been by himself, I suppose I could've mustered up the courage to at least give him the letter.
It just doesn't help a part of me keeps holding on to this idea that he's "coming back for me." Because I froze - and all I could do and think was wait for him to say something...or rather, come after me. But the thing is, I know that just stems from 3-year-old self assuming he'll always come back for me (he did once.) But my 27-year-old self knows better at this point. And it's so frustrating! I feel like it gets in the way of my rational thinking a lot. I don't think it's crazy to assume he could tell me hi, but to not go after him and just assume he'll make the move when I've been wanting nothing more but to speak to him for god knows how long? That just doesn't even make sense to me.
I'm just really frustrated and unsure about how to handle this.
