I Saw Myself On Best Gore

[DiamondBug]

I was gang raped and tortured when I was 11. No one knows but my therapist. I suffered through it all alone. They covered my whole head during what they did. It was horrible, I had got no medical help either. I was left with my torso covered in slashes, bite marks and bruises. I had to bandage myself for months to hide what they had done.

About one year after the attack I was sat at school and some boy said "I've seen gross photos of you", I laughed it off thinking it was just a joke, later on msn he sent me a link to what I think was best gore, saying "I'm not joking". I was about 12 so I didn't know what best gore was. I clicked on it and I finally got to visually see what they'd done. I am sweating just writing this. They were really graphic photos of me during and after the attack. I have never felt so sick. I mean people were looking at these photos of me as a child after those men had destroyed my life and I was left for dead for entertainment. I can remember emailing the website explaining those photos were me, I'm a child, this is a real gang rape, etc and they just ignored me. It still really bothers me. I don't want illegal violent pornographic photos of myself online, it's just not fair. I just need some advise on how to get over this. I sometimes get really paranoid thinking strangers have seen the photos and stuff. I flashback a lot about the photos, normally my flashbacks are noises and physical feelings. It's really getting me down, but I darent tell anyone in case they search for the photos, I don't want to see that again. The men that did this to me weren't arrested or anything but even my therapist believes it was probably the best thing for me as there wouldn't of been a lot of evidence (I didn't see them, couldn't give even a brief description, upon gaining consciousness I immediately submerged myself in water for a long period of time, etc). I am really really struggling to cope with the thought of this, especially with my therapist away.

 

[Kintsugi]

There are literally not enough words in my language inventory to describe how horrified and angry I am on your behalf, DiamondBug. How to cope with it... I wish I could tell you. I will say that I'm pretty sure you can report those images to the authorities without saying that you were the victim/making a report about the crime itself, as that is child porn and illegal to disseminate/possess, although I can see how reporting the images may cause you extreme distress that you may not want/be able to undergo.

Perhaps a hardcore regimen of grounding activities and self-care will help you while your T is away? I like to groom myself, cook, walk my dogs, draw, listen to grounding music, drive around... these are all things I find both grounding and which express self-care.

 

[joeylittle]

@DiamondBug - I am so sorry to hear this. I went through something similar when I was 13. I've never found the photos or the film, though. If it helps to know - you're not alone.

I wish I knew UK law. But if it would be therapeutic/helpful for you, I would be surprised if you couldn't do as Simon suggests - report them to authorities as being criminal images. I don't know if this is something you could enlist your therapists' help with - but that might be worth considering.

Sometimes when trying to solve problems that I have a hard time thinking about (because they are so upsetting), I can pretend that I'm trying to solve it for someone else, or as if I'm not involved. For example - if you had stumbled on this material, and it had nothing to do with you - it was some anonymous person being assaulted in that way - how might you go about reporting it? Or, if a friend came to you with this situation - what advice might you give them? I know this doesn't work for everyone (I have really strong partitioning skills) - but I'm offering it, in case it helps you in some way.

May I ask - and you don't have to answer - how did your classmate know it was you, with your face being covered? (I think it might be relevant, if you are considering trying to have them taken down but don't want to be identified).

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I'm so sorry to read this. This would be horrible for a grown woman to go through, it's unimaginable to me at age 11.

I don't know what to say about those images other than there are agencies working furiously all over the world to remove this content from the web. I hope and assume those images are down by now. Not sure how old you are now but the web has gotten safer and safer every year when it comes to this stuff. People get arrested for having child porn type images on their sites.
Having said that I know there are 100's of thousands of images of children sexually exploited online so the safe guards are clearly lacking. Unfortunately you are not alone and every day new material is online.

I hope you can soon tell people in your life other than your therapist. You are a beautiful person. There is nothing about your story that makes you less beautiful. You deserve to be heard. You don't have to live in silence with this.

 

[DiamondBug]

There are literally not enough words in my language inventory to describe how horrified and angry I...

thanks for your reply, the problem is I've not seen the photos in about 10 years, so I don't know whether they are still on there and to be honest with the stuff I've seen on there I don't think I'd want to try and search for them, I couldn't imagine how I'd actually react seeing those photos as I did something stupid last time.
I've only got 2 days till therapy now and I think I've done well and I used your examples to help me out.

 

[DiamondBug]

@DiamondBug - I am so sorry to hear this. I went through something similar when...

Thanks for your reply, I've got the issue that I don't know whether these photos are still online, just after 10 years I plucked up the courage to actually tell someone what I saw and for obvious reasons I'm not going to search for them.
I've always acted as if it never happened to me or it happened to a friend and to be honest I dont know why but it made me more upset, I think because I just can't deny it.
In the first photos I saw, they were during the attack, so my face was pretty well covered, I could tell it was still me but no one else would've been able to, but in the after photos (when I was left for dead) my face wasn't covered at all, there is no doubt in my mind that was me. I counted and compared every injury and the photos had the same amount of cuts, bite marks and bruises as me.

 

[DiamondBug]

I'm so sorry to read this. This would be horrible for a grown woman to go through, it's unimaginable to me...

Thanks for your reply, I really really hope they are down too, those images have been up for 10 years now, so that's a long time, I would try and contact best gore again but I don't think it's worth the pain of being ignored again, it made everything a massive amount worse because I felt like they were allowing people to continually abuse me.
I do too, I think it's a long road for me yet, but I'll get there!

 

[Adamuu]

Hi there,

I went on this website thinking it would be relatively tame stuff. (I was looking for something shocking, but not too shocking, to get my inteusive thoughts out of my head.) However, I was UTTERLY shocked by what I saw. I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder and the things I saw are giving me nightmares. On your behalf and on behalf of my own disgust I attempted to email them but the contact form was broken. All I can say is that I'm extremely sad to read your post and extremely sad that such things are online.

Best,

Adam

 

[Samaria]

I was gang raped and tortured when I was 11. No one knows but my therapist. I suffered through it al...

I can help with removing it. Best Gore cannot receive ingoing messages directly to the website due to legal issues. That section of the site has been shut down for over a year.