I Say Incredibly Cruel Things To The People I Love The Most...

[sharky]

I got into a fight with my boyfriend over him saying that humans are better at survival than other animals. I highly disagreed with that statement, and I almost physically attacked him in anger. I saw him as the embodiment of everything I hate about people. He was definitely pushing all of my buttons and was well aware that he was, but I was turning into such a blind fury that I lost control over what I was saying. Even fifteen minutes later, after taking a short walk outside. When I came back in, I told him maybe he just couldn't conceive how ignorant humans are because he's never got his ass kicked. Then I told him I learned so much more from the person that beat me, than I ever did from him. I knew before I even said it, that this was infuriate him, but I didn't care. I wanted him to be just as pissed off as me, and I got what I wanted. But now it has turned into the type of fight where he's telling me I need to leave. When I have no where to really go. I can't bite my tongue when I'm that mad, and I just think of the most cruel things to say so that I'm not alone in my anger. At least, I think that's why I do it. But I really need to learn to censor myself when it comes to things like that, because this is not the first time this has happened.

He just came in here while I was typing this and asked me to please leave. He told me he doesn't want me here, and he'll even help me get all of my animals into my car if he needs to... This hurts so much more than just yelling at each other and being blindly mad. I'm too upset to even cry. My brain is forcing me into numb mode. It's like I'm preparing myself to be alone again. Help me please. Please. I can't just be alone again. I really really can't. I don't think I would survive it. And as numb as I feel right now... I haven't felt so alone in a long time... I've lost pretty much all of my friends because I cannot bite my tongue, and now I'm losing the only person that I have in my life. My only crutch, my only support.

 

[sharky]

I have two things I need to say... I feel too often like I use PTSD as an excuse for why I act the way I do. I don't know how to explain it any more than that. And I'm f*cking terrified right now. I'm terrified of only having myself. I am of no help to myself right now, and the most help I can give myself is knowing that I can't be left alone. But how I can I put that pressure on him if he wants me out of the house? How can I just tell him, "No wait, it's the ptsd. Don't mind it, I'm sorry." That's just not good enough.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I took a anger management class. Mabe if you commit to doing something about your problem he may let you stay. You need to own this behavior and words of yours. People can only take so much verbal abuse.

Mabe even some couples counseling if it is not too late. I really feel for you. this is a serious thing that is happening to you. You need to learn self control. You only end up hurting yourself the worst.

I hope it is salvagable with you and your bf. Wishing you the best. Good luck.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sharky, that you have recognized this is over 1/2 the battle.

Emotional dysregulation is a problem for many people, not just PTSD sufferers.

Your CBT therapist can help with that, as can DBT. You'll be surprised in how much more peaceful the day to day stuff can be.

 

[Innordinate]

Just from the few things I've read Sharky, you're boyfriend sounds like an asshole. No offense. I guess what I really mean is that he doesn't sound very supportive of you. Not at all.

Anyways - When I feel anger building now I just walk away. Had a discussion previously with my wife that she knows not to follow and push me about why I'm walking away. That way I can have my rage to myself and come back more level headed once it's passed. This was really hard to start with and definitely you need your partner to be on board and supportive (not a button pusher) but got easier as I went and eventually, after probably 2 or 3 years got to where I can recognize the anger building and turn my head around quicker so I don't always have to walk away and respond more calmly in the situation. Took a lot, a lot, a lot of work for both me and my wife. We've taken communication courses (separately) and I've taken a few anger management courses over the years too. That helped. Also reading about communication and respecting that people communicate differently, what their style of communication is and how to respond accordingly.

I used to say some really mean stuff to people I care about all the time.

When other PTSD symptoms are bad though so is my anger. Can still fly of the handle over very small things, but more often than not controllable. Sleep is a big factor for me too. The more tired I am, the angrier I'll get faster.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh my. I could have written much of your first post myself!

I'd like to offer you more support, if that's ok, as I feel we have a lot in common in this regard. I hope that's ok.

I'll write more when I can get on my laptop as smartphone typing is a pain!

 

[Eleanor]

Sharky, are you getting treated for the PTSD? (sorry to be late to the party if you are...)

 

[sharky]

Okay, sorry it took me so long to get back on here. I'd like to start off by saying I worked things out, sort of, with my boyfriend. I am really sorry for the bad memory and I'll be lacking some details here. But I just kind of stayed in the bedroom for a while, falling in and out of sleep. I'm not sure how long that went on for, but eventually he came into the room. He talked to me, and we both cried. He was really upset that I had said those things, and we talked about why I said it. That I wanted him mad, so I said the worst thing I could think of. But we talked things out, although I kind of shut down a little bit on my end. But I did manage to talk more about the things we talked about, a little bit better than I have in any previous situation.

I didn't take offense to you're comment, Innordinate, but I think I need to clarify some things. I know I am only twenty, but I have some good instincts about people. Even when it's someone I hangout with often, I can tell if they're someone I can trust or not. And it's pretty much always a no. Even with my previous serious relationship. I knew, deep down, I couldn't trust him. I first opened up to him slightly about what had happened. But then, even before he basically betrayed me, I didn't talk to him any further about it. I felt uncomfortable, as I have not opened to anyone about any of this until my boyfriend I have now came along. We were best friends first, that lived together. He moved away, and then I realized I had absolutely no one except for him. I know that sounds like stupid mushy stuff... But it's true. And when I was a little hesitant, but told him. He suggested PTSD to me, which I had never previously thought of even once. I don't know why, I guess it was because I was so good at being numb to it for a couple of years.

But in the past two years, everything has really started to catch up. My symptoms are getting worse, and I think part of that has something to do with being in a relationship. When I look back on it, my last relationship... It caused me to start getting worse, and at the end of that relationship basically jump started a big chain of events in my life. I feel like I shouldn't be posting this all on the internet, and should probably be talking to a phsyciatrist instead. But for right now my only therapy is my boyfriend, my animals, my learning of PTSD and how it affects me, and this website.

And what I meant when I said, 'almost physically attacked him' I meant almost slapped him. I thought I just needed to explain that a little better, so no one thought I was about beating him up or something. But even feeling like I want to slap him is unacceptable. That is the doorway to what caused my problems to begin with. But I know I need to own up to my end of things, and I know my boyfriend needs to start doing a little bit more research than he has been doing. But he's new to all of this, and I am too. But he's trying his best in trying to understand, and has supported me more and been there for me more than anyone ever has in my life. He's the only one in my life really encouraging me to see someone.

Every time I have my doubts about finding someone, he gives me back that motivation to find the right therapist. I mean, today happened and I felt really low after I felt like I was unwanted and disposable. But I think he's warranted saying something he didn't mean, just as I did in the first place. Especially when that's the first time I've ever said anything to /him/ like that. As cruel as that. He thought I was just as serious as I thought he was when he told me to leave... So I get it. But there's definitely things we both need to work on. I think him seeing someone too about this stuff, is a very serious consideration and maybe even necessary. If it's possible; I live in a pretty limited area, as far as therapists go, and I don't have the best money situation. I also don't know his health care situation, or if he even has one.

Today has had and is continuing to have some serious ups and downs (things not really unrelated to my PTSD stuff, but unrelated to the original situation I posted about) but as far as all of this goes... I feel a little bit more hopeful, I think.

Also, thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. I wouldn't have been able to think all of this out so clearly, if I hadn't gotten any feedback. I know this is a really long post, it just felt good to be able to get all of that out. It really did. Any further input/responses/suggestions, I welcome highly. But I really do feel better now. A part of that boulder was taken off of my shoulders. Thank you.

 

[wolfkitty]

Two people with PTSD in love.. That is the story of me and my beloved, he triggers me I trigger him. The important thing is we are recognize it more and more and recognizing in the moment so as not to take it personally in each other.

When he gets triggered he leaves, goes for a walk etc. This used to trigger me and I would run after him and not leave him alone, which would trigger him to get nasty, which would trigger me...then we would spiral down and down. Today I got triggered (this forum helped me through it much faster this time) but this time when he left to go for a walk I just sat at my desk and cried. When he came back we were able to talk calmly and told me how proud of me he was. I am no longer blaming anyone else for my behavior I am acknowledging it and I didn't chase after him and escalate things. I think with me it is literally just one hour at a time, one day at a time and I have managed to work myself up to having whole weeks were we are like we were when we first met!!

Someday I know I will even make a whole month!! That is my goal anyway!