Sexual Assault I sexually abused my little sibling and i feel so disgusted with myself

[taking_a_break]

Hi, I've been suffering from the intense guilt and shame for 3 months because I found out that the things I did when I was 11 years old was sexually abusive towards my youngest sibling. I don't know if it did happened but I'm pretty sure it happened, my memory is blurry so I couldn't remember some details but I'm connecting all details I could remember.

When I was 3 years old, I experienced non-contact COCSA, which is exposed to a pornography and influenced because of teenager neighborhood (13 and 15 years old). That's where I was hypersexual and being inappropriate to other children's and people's. At that age I know adult things way too much.

When I was 11 years old, I was having a play-fight with my little brother, who was 2 years old. We don't want to harm each other and stuff. And then (I'm disgusted to write this) I dry humped him in short duration, both of us are fully clothed, no coercion or force at all and I'm not aggressive when I do that. at that time I knew it was wrong, I don't know what made me do it. So that is clearly sexual behavior because at that time I knew it was inappropriate. At that age I often to copy anything that I witnessed and, like a child with f*ckass mindset, I thought it didn't harm both of us. Turns out, it WILL harm both of us.

And that age is where I don't know the effects of my action until now, I now understand that is going to affect my little brother in the future.

I live with guilt, shame, disgust, and sadness. I don't know what to do. I don't have any budget to go to therapy or psychology. I don't know how to ask my parents for therapy. I want to apologize to my little brother but he doesn't remember it, I'm scared that if I tell the things I did to him he would be upset or traumatized, he never knew that It happened to him. I'm so so disgusted from what I did to him.

I'm not here excusing my action nor minimizing it and brush it off, I'm trying to cope or talking to hotline because I'm Suicidal because of it. I want to apologize to him but I feel so lost and helpless because what if he's going to be upset and is scared of me? He deserve an apology. I'm a disgusting, impure monster. I hate being a victim and the perpetrator. I want to die. I want to kill myself because I deserve to die. Doing that to my little brother, a child, was horrible and disgusting. I don't understand why did I do that, I'm so disgusted to myself

 

[Roland]

Eleven years old is still a child. You were dealing with things no one should have to deal with and you didn't know how to deal with them. You say you knew better, but I don't think you fully knew. Other people were exposing you to things you weren't ready for and that blurs the lines between what seems to be okay and what's not. There's many people in this forum with similar experiences as you. It's very hard to work through but you're far more a victim than a perpetrator. Your brother may or may not be affected but he'll figure that out in time. Some therapy can be found on sliding scale in the USA or even free sometimes.

 

[S800]

One thing about being a kid is, we're not exactly aware of how little we know or are able to clearly process, until we're not kids anymore and can see the whole thing in hindsight.

Kids of any age are still trying to figure out themselves, life, the world around them, all while trying to learn all they can from school, friends, family, and so on. They might SEEM capable of truly cruel acts, but most of that is developmental. To an adult's eyes, a child can almost seem like a tiny drunk sociopath. Of course the child doesn't see it this way, they only have their own perspective.

I don't think anyone alive hasn't done at LEAST one terribly embarrassing or guilt-ridden thing as a kid, and that's part of growing up. In this case, you mentioned performing an act, which clearly set this path of guilt in motion (understandably). While true, you're glossing over the most important part of this scenario - you stopped. You felt bad. You understood (after the fact at least) what felt wrong about the act. Those are not the thoughts and feelings of a child abuser or an assailant. They rarely feel anything but elation for performing such barbaric acts, and that is what makes it so monstrous. I don't know you clearly, nor you I, but just from this story it seems pretty clear you have a functioning empathy center and moral compass, which already puts you ahead of a lot of people these days!

Have a look around here, and I think you'll find a lot more people in situations like yours, than not. Welcome!

 

[taking_a_break]

While true, you're glossing over the most important part of this scenario - you stopped. You felt bad. You understood (after the fact at least) what felt wrong about the act.

Yes, I know that, I've already stopped doing it and avoiding him in order to not hurt him. It's just a one off, but I just don't understand why did I do that, to a literal children?? Yes, I might also got abused but it's not an excuse for my action. I regret it, I don't realize that my action was an abuse/assault until now. I don't know how to forgive myself at this point. Any advice?

 

[S800]

Yes, I know that, I've already stopped doing it and avoiding him in order to not hurt him. It's just a one off, but I just don't understand why did I do that, to a literal children?? Yes, I might also got abused but it's not an excuse for my action. I regret it, I don't realize that my action was an abuse/assault until now. I don't know how to forgive myself at this point. Any advice?

Well the single biggest driver here is guilt. Whether it's accurate or not, that informs everything you're feeling about this.

I used to work in online safety for a long time. One thing that came up a lot when coming across things like domestic abusers or people grooming kids was the realization that monsters, such as I'd define them, do not feel guilt. There are people out there who see an act like you described, and rather than feel revulsion and self-loathing, they'd ask why you didn't go further in the abuse without a moment's hesitation, like discussing tying their shoes. Monsters don't have empathy or guilt, you therefore cannot be one.

Guilt of childhood things though, can be a tough one. Brain takes a LONG time to reach maturity, and the only way it knows to do that is to try interacting with the world as it knows it. Is it possible your SA was caused by your being exposed to/abused in a similar manner? Not just possible, it's a pretty direct correlation. Why this matters? It's how we learn as kids. We absorb everything around us, good or bad, and lump it into "this is the way of things" silently in the background. What else CAN they do? Children aren't usually in the habit of developing entire moral systems from nothing for a reason, and this is pretty much that reason. We wouldn't trust kids to write up the rules for society, so why do we expect them to be moral bastions? They have to LEARN that, as you did here. That's the key I think, though it can be different for everyone. It seems from what you've said that you did exactly what any kid would do: interacted with the world as you understood it at the time, and had an understandably averse reaction to something you found deeply morally reprehensible.

One thing I told people coming up in the industry a lot was, we're not fortune tellers. "Past Me" does not know what -I- know today, that Me can only make decisions on the info he had at the time. Judging something in hindsight is SO easy because we have the information to say in that moment, "This was wrong." Since our brains love pattern and order so much, the next natural leap for someone who's brain is rewired as ours is, to leap to "I must therefore be wrong." No, you were making the only decisions that made sense with what you knew at the time, and with a brain that hadn't quite gotten the full toolkit in the mail yet. It takes awhile for kids to learn even basic empathy and that's WITHOUT the added baggage of someone inflicting harms on you.

Ultimately, I don't think anyone can tell you the "secret" to forgiving yourself. It's a bit more personal than that. Let me ask a question on that point: if you feel so strongly the need to protect that other child from harm (from yourself or not), why wouldn't you extend that same umbrella to harms caused to you? The only difference I see in this story is who's telling it, not who was or wasn't hurt.

 

[beaneeboo]

Well the single biggest driver here is guilt. Whether it's accurate or not, that informs everything you're feeling about this.

I used to work in online safety for a long time. One thing that came up a lot when coming across things like domestic abusers or people grooming kids was the realization that monsters, such as I'd define them, do not feel guilt. There are people out there who see an act like you described, and rather than feel revulsion and self-loathing, they'd ask why you didn't go further in the abuse without a moment's hesitation, like discussing tying their shoes. Monsters don't have empathy or guilt, you therefore cannot be one.

Guilt of childhood things though, can be a tough one. Brain takes a LONG time to reach maturity, and the only way it knows to do that is to try interacting with the world as it knows it. Is it possible your SA was caused by your being exposed to/abused in a similar manner? Not just possible, it's a pretty direct correlation. Why this matters? It's how we learn as kids. We absorb everything around us, good or bad, and lump it into "this is the way of things" silently in the background. What else CAN they do? Children aren't usually in the habit of developing entire moral systems from nothing for a reason, and this is pretty much that reason. We wouldn't trust kids to write up the rules for society, so why do we expect them to be moral bastions? They have to LEARN that, as you did here. That's the key I think, though it can be different for everyone. It seems from what you've said that you did exactly what any kid would do: interacted with the world as you understood it at the time, and had an understandably averse reaction to something you found deeply morally reprehensible.

One thing I told people coming up in the industry a lot was, we're not fortune tellers. "Past Me" does not know what -I- know today, that Me can only make decisions on the info he had at the time. Judging something in hindsight is SO easy because we have the information to say in that moment, "This was wrong." Since our brains love pattern and order so much, the next natural leap for someone who's brain is rewired as ours is, to leap to "I must therefore be wrong." No, you were making the only decisions that made sense with what you knew at the time, and with a brain that hadn't quite gotten the full toolkit in the mail yet. It takes awhile for kids to learn even basic empathy and that's WITHOUT the added baggage of someone inflicting harms on you.

Ultimately, I don't think anyone can tell you the "secret" to forgiving yourself. It's a bit more personal than that. Let me ask a question on that point: if you feel so strongly the need to protect that other child from harm (from yourself or not), why wouldn't you extend that same umbrella to harms caused to you? The only difference I see in this story is who's telling it, not who was or wasn't hurt.

Honestly one of the best written posts I've read on here!