I Think Dad Is Going To Die Soon.

[ground crew]

So, in the middle of a meltdown with my hex, I called my sister for some help. Dad is deranged after an operation, knee replacement. The prognosis is unknown. My family and I barely talk. My weird ass behavior is a big part of the problem. Most of them, not dad so much, were abusive or un supportive. I had near deaths before kindergarten, so I was already all screwed up, I have had an exaggerated startle reflex my whole life. So, they were not supportive and indeed, the opposite of supportive.

Any way, dad may have had his last day. He may not have another lucid day. It may be too late to mend that relationship. Mom is still lucid, but her agitation and critical nature make meaningful conversation impossible. I am much like her. Thanks mom.

I have 4 siblings, one is rational and he tolerates me a bit. My oldest brother was an abuser, he would knock me around as a catharsis, he is the one who taught me to charge the bully instead of cower. It didn't change the out come but it was a lot more fun, and came in handy later in life. My sister was kind of supportive, she is the oldest and was early in life, very supportive. She was 7 years older so she left when I was about 10 or 11 to college. She has been supportive, but in a judgmental, christian, for your own good kind of support that is very humiliating. and not entirely helpful.

So after the service, and they kicked me out, and I wound up driving a taxi and risking my life to avoid hungry and homeless, my lifestyle didn't suit them. I stopped going there to be judged. they took a hint a left me alone. I made it for most of the mandatory attendances. Christmas, thanksgiving, moms birthday. But, I was always uncomfortable there.

So now, 50 years or so of this, getting worse today, how do I fix it? should I try? what's in it for me? How long will I regret not connecting with my dad? Is there anything left of the man I knew?

 

[Stickler]

Dunno what his prognosis is, but I do know a general rule-of-thumb: geriatric people get incoherent in response to infection.

In the LGBTQ ( EIEIO) community, there's a concept of creating a " family of choice. "
...in the case of families with a bad case of crazee, it may be better to walk away and make close friends.

I dumped my evil dad a long time ago, but that is my story. Not yours.
...though I really wish he could be who I wanted him to be? But he won't ever step forward to take that role, not now, and he has amazing amounts of stuff to make amends for.

What do you want from them, and is that reasonable?

...This all feels wretched, though, no matter what you decide.

You are acceptable and lovable the way you are. You don't have to be perfect. They sure aren't.

 

[ground crew]

So what do I want from them? and since I am not now nor have I ever gotten "that", do I really need it? If I have never seen it does it exist?

So the magic happy family is never going to exist. I really don't need the vibration my system feels when I am trying to be what they think I should be. When I am seeking approval. I think that is what i am missing, approval. And I did find that in a family of choice in Denver, when i was there. And no weird vibration in my nervous system.

These are good people, and I am not a bad person. I just rebel at the feeling of someone over my shoulder that is judging me, noticing everything is wrong. I also find it difficult to give a shit about there lives. Cause there doing it all wrong, there values are wrong and they would be just fine if they would listen to me. So I got that too, as well as a tendency to go depressive and self isolate.

So, this is like trying to keep a tiger as a pet, always afraid it will consume you and requires constant monitoring and nurturing. Maybe I should think about a puppy.

 

[ground crew]

I called dad. He had a bad reaction to drugs but they have cleared now. He is going to be fine, if that is a possible condition for a 88 year old... Thankful he is lucid and a bit crotchety, healthy for his age and starting pt tomorrow!

 

[scout86]

Glad to hear about your dad! It's actually kind of common for older people to have problems metabolizing general anesthesia. He might have some weird after effects for a long time (at 88, maybe the rest of his life), but he's still your dad.

I have/had a similar situation with my family. Long story and complicated. My dad died last Aug, my mom in Apr, which leaves my brother, myself, and some extended family. I had no problems with my dad. He worried, towards the end of his life, that he hadn't done a good enough job as a parent. I tried to make sure he knew I thought he'd done his best and was ok with that. My mother, more than likely, had narcissistic personality disorder. I wasn't the kid she wanted. That was what it was. She died somewhat unexpectedly. In the months before that, I'd been working at establishing some reasonable boundaries that were healthy for ME (not a popular idea!). Now that she's dead, there are moments when I wonder if I handled that "right" or what I should have done different. But, those 2 things are among my "issues" and at least I know it and am learning to deal with it constructively. My brother also, probably, has narcissistic personality disorder. Both he and my mom were/are big on "martyrdom". He has taken pretty much everything I've said and done and reinterpreted it, and then carried it to the extended family. I, on the other hand, have sort of disappeared of everyone's radar screen. I can only imagine how all that's playing out. And, of course, I DO imagine it! LOL

Your family is it's own unique self. My suggestion would be to cultivate the relationships you want to. Some people think they're doing us a favor by passing judgement. They aren't, but that's their deal. I don't think you owe it to them to deal with it. You don't owe it to them to be a punching bag either. My T says that we all tend to play roles within our family of origin. There are some good topics on there around here that you might find useful. In my case, he says my role, for the most part, seems to be been "to be wrong". (And, if I wasn't wrong, that was ALSO wrong. LOL) You might want to consider what your job in that family has been and what you want it to be. Be yourself. If some people don't like the real you, that's life. Others will.

I wish I could tell you that working on this stuff results in a lot of kumbya moments and happily ever afters. Sometimes it probably does. Not always though.

 

[Lionheart]

I was able to make peace with my father before he passed away and I recommend doing this if you can. It doesn't mean you have to be best buddies with him, but it can go along way towards helping you heal and for this reason I recommend it whenever possible.

It doesn't even mean you have to forgive or forget, it just mean you have come to a place where you can let go of some of the anger and hurt. But only do so if it makes sense to you, and is what you feel is right, what you think is best, and not because of me.

I am only making a suggestion so please take it for what it is:.one survivors opinion.

Peace,
Lion