Relationship I Think I Know Why I "sabotaged" The Relationship

[Wastinglight]

Even though I was moderately happy on a day-to-day basis in the relationship, it had been starting to go bad ever since I gave up my unit and moved in permanently with him. The reality is, I have always been incredibly insecure in this relationship - so much so that it was crippling to me at times.

As I felt his commitment to the relationship slipping away, I started to get that awful sinking feeling in my gut that something was wrong. I'd experienced that feeling in my previous relationship, and because the reason was that my ex was cheating and lying to me, I now have a very strong association with that gut feeling and a fear of being deceived/cheated on. Even though I understand reasonably well how my guy's PTSD manifests (and his dad warned me about his fear of commitment right at the start of the relationship), I was driven by a compulsion to reassure myself that he wasn't being unfaithful. So I snooped in his computer. I'm not excusing my behaviour - I realise now that it was a dealbreaker for him - but I know why I did it. Of course, there is a chance he really was surfing the online dating sites, as I feared he had been. The "evidence" I found was inconclusive, however.

In essence, my snooping might have dealt the killing blow to the relationship (at least, in his his eyes), but his fear of commitment had been slowly poisoning it for months.

Another way of looking at it could be that I subconsciously sabotaged the relationship because it was forcing me to step well outside of my comfort zone ie. forcing me to deal with the uncomfortable gut feeling that something was wrong. I did try to talk to him about the commitment/intimacy issues, but the conversations never went anywhere - he doesn't like talking about feelings and relationships.

But I think it's more likely that my actions were driven less by a desire to sabotage the relationship, but by a subconscious desire to bring things to a head, so we could finally have an honest discussion about the issues in our relationship. I realise now that something had to give, something had to happen to give us both a kick up the arse. The only problem is, that he decided to give up on me, instead of choosing to address the issues and find a way forward. I really didn't think he would bail. But there's nothing I can do about that now. And we still haven't had that honest conversation....

 

[Della]

Honey, a person with PTSD does not process information the way that we do, let's just say, that it's reverse process. They can't handle the average day to day tasks or conversations because it drains them, it takes a toll on the central nervous system which consists of the brain and spinal cord and when the mind is stained, it makes the whole body be that way and they do not feel like dealing with anything. They are mentally exhausted. I don't have PTSD but I'm a supporter of it because my man has it. As far as you being insecure about things, well I have been there and it's not a good feeling. You yourself have to learn to trust if you are going to start new relationships because everybody is not the same and they will do things differently. Infidelity is not the only issue people have issues with. From drug abuse to not finding a job, laziness, abusive verbal or mental or gambling. Every relationship has different issues one must deal with. But start to work on yourself and be more patient with him. I pray that he comes back but only you and he know what truly went down. Being patient is hard but if you rush things, you can mess up because the person may not be ready to make the next move or go to the next level of things. It may take a few months to a few years it depends on the person and how they manage the PTSD. Right now, I'm not fully on talking terms with my man he has isolated himself from me. I just have to deal with it and hope he will come around. He had other things that trigger him and your case may be the same as well, when they have triggers, please learn the signs of them and watch him closely and see if you need to try to comfort or give them space. If you try to nag, accuse or push them, you may get results that you don't like and you could possibly lose him for good. I wish you the best honey and my heart goes out to you because it's so hard. But if you think that he is worth it, then fight for it but do it gently. Take care ok and be encouraged. :-)

 

[Changing4Best]

I guess you just need to accept completely that it is over and move on from there. I do know that one relationship I was in did not get benefited by my distrust of the person, but there were other problems too, which were more pressing. Are you in therapy? I know that you were the support person in this relationship, but maybe you need therapy on trust issues? It is a thought.

 

[Wastinglight]

Honey, a person with PTSD does not process information the way that we do, let's just say, that it's rever...

Thanks @Della - wise words. I think we have already gone past the point of no return, and yes, I have kept pushing him. I think he means it when he says that once he's made his mind up, he doesn't change it. So I guess, from my point of view, since he's saying it's definitely over, I've got nothing to lose by pointing out some home truths to him. He doesn't get to rip a big hole in my life and walk away smelling of roses. It's ungracious of me, I acknowledge that, but at no point I have hurled abuse at him, or said anything that I knew wasn't true.

I have been continally working on my own issues for the past 3-4 years. I try hard every day to call myself on my own bullshit and work on my own self-development. Being in this relationship has triggered my anxiety and my fears frequently, so on the one hand, it's been good exposure therapy, but on the other hand, it's exhausted me trying to fight the tide of fear and anxiety, and eventually the cracks started to show.

No, I only become more sure that it's over as time goes on. Even if he regrets his decison, and his feelings for me return once he's less stressed, even then I don't think he will reach out to me. His social anxiety and fear of rejection will prevent. This guy is not a risk taker. The only reason we were in a relationship in the first place is because I assumed all the risk. In many ways, this is a good thing, because it will make it much easier for me to move on.

 

[Wastinglight]

I guess you just need to accept completely that it is over and move on from there. I do know that on...

Thanks @SheilaKathy - see my second post, above. I've been in therapy for years, as I've suffered from generalised anxiety disorder for most of my life. I have done enough work on myself to be able to recognise when and why I behave in an unhealthy manner (sometimes not at the time, but at least after the fact). I don't think he has though. We had another discussion this morning (I just can't help myself). I pointed out that he's actually been quite unpleasant to be around the past few months. After I moved in, he became more and more critical, and less and less tolerant of me being around. Increasingly, he acted like he didn't even want me around. He acknowledged his behaviour, but when I asked him why he behaved like that, he said "I don't know." And I really believe he doesn't know. Hard to change his ways when he doesn't even understand the issues driving them. I'm pretty sure he has ended up acting the same way in all his past relationships too.

 

[Della]

How long have you been with you man and how many times did you two break up? If you both have tried numerous of times and taking a break numerous of times, then I guess the both of you got exhausted with the whole relationship thing @Waistinglight. But you must also remember to take care of yourself as well and do what makes you happy and less stressed. Maybe somebody with PTSD is not the right person for you. It takes somebody with a whole lot of patience to deal with somebody like that.

 

[Justmehere]

Wastinglight, I do something very similar to you in relationships. When there is an issue, and it's not being really dealt with, I inadvertantly seem to seek out some way to bring it to the surface, I poke around until the thing we are both afraid of has to be dealt with.

You were so scared he was not committed to you, you acted in a way that he used it as a reason to give up on any commitment to you. You had a hunch something was off, and it was. It wasn't that he was cheating or even thinking of straying, but that he was scared of committing to you.
It happens to a lot of people, with and without PTSD.

You did sabotage things a little, but it's not the sole reason the relationship fell apart. If he was really ready to be committed to anyone, if there were zero problems before you did what you did, snooping in his computer may have been an issue that you both could have worked through, or at least talked about. He could have seen this as you making a mistake out of your own anxiety and past pain, and showed you compassion for how scared you were that you would be like people in the past. I'm sure you have shown him compassion for his own fears and crappy days that come from his from the past as well.

Even if you had not snooped, I think something else would have happened that he would have used to throw in the towel.

I'm proud of you for looking at what you can learn out of this relationship, and I hope you hold your head high through this time. I hope you do find the right place to respectfully say what you need to say to him.

Be as kind to yourself as you can through all of this. You are a wonderful person, and someday, you will hopefully find the right person who is ready for commitment and who will cherish you like you deserve to be cherished.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I've got nothing to lose by pointing out some home truths to him. He doesn't get to rip a big hole in my life and walk away smelling of roses.

I feel THIS so often.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Wastinglight , it sucks when you make all the accommodations, take all the risk, and put forth all the effort in a relationship, then when you let your anxiety get the better of you a few times (when you actually have a diagnosed anxiety disorder as well), it is unforgivable. You have forgiven and made exceptions for more than that in just a week of your relationship, I'm sure. You have every right to call him out on his shite behavior.

Relationships run both ways, and he sounds like he was definitely not putting in the effort. Whether it was his PTSD causing that or not, the fact remains.

You cannot blame yourself for being human and having a "non-perfect" supporter moment.

 

[Wastinglight]

@Wastinglight , it sucks when you make all the accommodations, take all the risk,...

Yep, you pretty much summed it up. I cant believe hes not willing to put in even a fraction of the effort or compassion or patience that i have shown him. The past few months he's put less and less effort in, and been critical, irritable, intolerant of me. There were many times I started to feel like he didn't want me around- worse, that he didnt even like me. When I asked him why he behaved like that, he said he didn't know. How can he not know!? Wouldn't you put some effort into thinking about why you were treating your partner like shit? The worst of it is he hasn't disagreed with me when I told him what I thought his role in the relationship's problems were, yet he's still not even slightly interested in trying harder. Our issues are not insurmountable but he has just written me off like a bad investment - even though it seems he hasn't invested anything in the relationship for months. I'm entering the bitter phase of the break up I think!