Undiagnosed I Think I Might Have Been Molested As A Child

[kb9]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this, but it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Hi everyone, I'm 22 years old, female, and I am a virgin. My first kiss was when I was 21 and it was a peck which felt weird. My second was with the same guy and we tried making out but I felt like I was going to puke. He is a wonderful guy and he's attractive, but I felt so sick. I hate being touched and I've always either been scared of male authority figures or had this weird sexual tension with them. In high school it got a lot worse and it was happening with most guys, so I started hating them. I have bipolar, anxiety, and ADD so I thought my hatred was due to hormones and chemical imbalances in my brain. I have never been in an actual relationship and for a little while I thought I was asexual. I am actually attracted to both men and women, but I can't imagine myself being intimate with a man.

But two days ago my dad told me a story that when I was two years old they took me to the doctor because of a urinary tract infection. My cousin had a serious problem with his kidneys (I think) so they wanted to check me out. My dad said they sent me back with my doctor who had one of the assistants give me a catheter. When I came back he said I was "traumatized" and then they made me pee on a table after I had been potty trained where I started screaming. My mom also told me that a year later when she took me to work with her at the hospital I told her that "I don't want that man do that to my peepee again" and she had to calm me down.

Is it possible to be traumatized like this from just having a catheter? I feel so weird and gross just thinking about it but it would make so much sense. I still have this weird sexual tension with most white men and I absolutely hate it. It's gotten to the point where the tension is so bad that I left my job because I had it with a coworker. I've worked on myself so much and come such a long way but I really want to know. Does anyone have any input?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi kb9,

I'm very sorry you're going through such a rough time. This is a good place to talk about what happened to you and the symptoms you experience. I hope you'll find this a comfortable and safe place that can give you some of the support that you need.

Whether you were molested or not is not something we can decide. Yes, it is a possibility, but only a licensed psychologist can give you a diagnosis. One thing that is very clear is that some things are seriously bothering you. Traumatised or not, there are clearly issues that deserve professional attention and support. I would advise you to talk to a therapist that you feel comfortable with. You don't need to rush things, but you should take yourself and your feelings seriously. Perhaps you'd like to talk some more about it here?

 

[BigBear]

Hi,

You've made a great start. And yes, I would go to a professional and see what they think. Then I'd talk about it here. The professionals are not all equally created. Sometimes you have to try multiple times to get a reasonable diagnosis.

Glad you are here.

Bear

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

Is it possible to be traumatized like this from just having a catheter?

It is possible. To a 2 year old, it's not "just" a catheter. (Heck, I found such a thing pretty awful to experience as an adult!) But it can very profoundly impact a little kid. Kids don't yet have the brain development to really understand on a mental or physical level what is going on. "Small" invasive medical procedures can be very frightening and very traumatic for a kid. It can create a lot of confusing and scary feelings for a little kid, which you clearly had. It could be the possible that first intense body sensation you had in that area of your body was of a male figure doing something that caused extreme and confusing pain to you, and humiliation as well when you had to pee on the table. It would not be surprising that this could still be affecting you now. My trauma therapist says that most people underestimate the traumatizing impact on the nervous system that medical procedures can have, especially for little kids. It is also possible that more happened. The good thing is that you don't have to be able to remember to heal from it.

I have bipolar, anxiety, and ADD so I thought my hatred was due to hormones and chemical imbalances in my brain. I have never been in an actual relationship and for a little while I thought I was asexual. I am actually attracted to both men and women, but I can't imagine myself being intimate with a man.

Medications, like many used for the things you have struggled with, can also cause someone to lose their sexual drive. So can just basic differences in biology.

It could also be related to the trauma of the catheter, or it could be other trauma you don't remember. Some of your reactions do fit a pattern of the way people can sometimes struggle with the impact of early sexual abuse.

Whatever the cause, whatever happened, you have already taken a great first step by talking about it here. I agree with others that consulting with a therapist to sort this out is also probably a really good idea too.

 

[kb9]

Thank you for all your replies I really appreciate it. I do have a wonderful support system but I did just talk with a counselor about it. She said something very similar to Justmehere. Whether sexual or not, intentional or not, this was how my two year old mind and body interpreted it. It was something invasive to a private part of my body, done by a man and I will address this problem as such, because that is how it must have felt to me. Though I wish I could know what really happened, I probably never will. It still feels weird but I think I can start addressing it now. Thank you again everybody

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I remember two other similar stories from other members who had medical procedures as very young children, just as yourself, and they thought that it might have given them issues as well.

 

[open eyes]

It is entirely possible to be traumatized by something relatively innocent, such as medical procedures. However that is not the same as being molested. When I was around 4, I suffered from severe nose bleeds & had to get a minor surgery in my nose to stop it. I remember it being terrifying. Medical procedures can be nerve-racking enough to grown adults, especially to young children. Molestation has different motives, & the perpetrator is intending to harm the victim. (Not to say that health care professionals can't be perpetrators of sexual abuse- anyone can.)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@open eyes,
I think you have good intentions, but to a young child, there is no difference between a harmless medical procedure and someone intending to do harm. An adult can see this difference, but a child can't. And sadly, the reactions that carry into adulthood can present in much the same way. I don't think it's fair to compare a medical procedure to the nose to a medical procedure done to ones private parts.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!