I Think I Need A Kick Up The Ar*e

[Awakening]

Thank you everyone!

I've decided I'm going to quit alcohol, because at the moment cutting down hasn't worked for me - I've tried it for nearly 2 years now and it always creeps back up to bingeing.

I won't quit alcohol for ever but I need to so for a certain period of time as I'm using it as another tool in my denial toolbox.

I also would love to have a 2nd baby, and I was able to go cold turkey with my first pregnancy & when breastfeeding so I know I can do it.

I've written down aspects of traumas. One trauma from start to finish - but I cheated in away because I simply copied & modified my statement to the police and then gave that version to my therapist. My childhood trauma only bits & pieces.

My therapist has set me homework to write down all the things I feel shame over, which I've been unable (unwilling) to do.

I see her tomorrow so I'm going to try & do this writing with her in the room, it will be a massive step - a leap- really if I can pull this off.

I understand & expect this will cause a spike in my symptoms but I know I have the resources & skills to get through this without resorting to alcohol.

 

[ronin47]

I usually write a long and introspective response to a post like this, but I think the solution to your problem can be adequately summarized in an old adage, "If you want something you never had, try something you never did."

 

[ktmarie71]

Once I had to privledge to meet a vietnam veteran who had developed into an alcololic as whe self medicated the pain he was experiences from PTSD. He was at a AA meeting and he stood up and said that he had been sober for the prior two years, He expressed his happiness, and he thanked his wife , then he admitted that several times a week he thought about drinking...But the thing was,,,,He had finally found more positive reasons not to drink...then negative reasons to drink. And that was the key. I think alot about what he said, I am not an alcholoic but at times when I avoid doing the right thing in dealing with my PTSD...I think what are positive reasons to do this...do they out weigh the negative reasons not to?

 

[Awakening]

As predicted feel crap. Actually feel like I want to throw a tantrum & rebel. I almost feel like going out get sexually assualted and then everyone can know, like I need to re do the trauma. Be in control. Arggh, would kill for a drink, but using this thread to hold me accountable. Trying to just accept the lousy slutty feelings.

 

[ktmarie71]

Its ok to feel angry. I hope you wont go out and reenact the trauma. Nothing is ever going to make you feel like you had control over what ever happened to you. You can only control right now and right now you might be pissed...and that is reasonable...so get a good fluffly pillow and punch the stuffing out of it....find some time alone and work on some creative cussing...my personal favorite is to go to a bowling alley and just slam bowling balls downs down the isle, and I do the creative cussing thing...what ever you do, dont just let it rot away inside of you...let some of it out in a controlled way...a way that wont bring you more pain or any shame. Try to stop yourself from any negative self talk. Dont refer to yourself in your own mind in any insulting away...feel free to refer to the person who hurt you in every insulting name you can think of. You can get through this.

 

[Abbi]

As predicted feel crap.

This too shall pass.

Good insight on your feelings, doesn't mean you have to act on them. Really though its huge that you can even say those things. Yep, you can do this.

 

[Ted Moen]

Therapy begins when you challenge the feeling that you can't do what you need to do to get your current needs met. If you can't express the things you need to express because your throat swells (your anxiety symptoms) then write them for your therapist or type then into a reply and post them. Learning to challenge the feeling "I can't" and finding a way to do what we need to get our current needs met instead of acting out the old feelings is what learning to live better with ptsd is all about.

Ted

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Ted, that explains a lot. I chose to not have 'needs' (-still feels really wierd to write that :oops:), instead.

I never was very good at expressing myself, either. So I think when I started to 'choose' (because I had 'needs') - things were so bad I had to 'choose' something else- then everything seemed hopeless. All 'feelings' and no real clue what a 'need' was (let alone a 'want', in a non-essential sense, i.e. a 'choice', or being 'entitled' to it).
Thank you, xo

 

[ktmarie71]

Hope you are feeling a little better. It takes a great amount of courage to share so much of yourself and face this. lots of wonderful advice being shared here.