I think its time to end it.....

[EveHarrington]

Ok maybe this is off topic but how often does she shower? I’m so not criticizing her on this front as I can have difficulties with self care.

 

[FragileGlass]

@brokenEMT - Thank you!

The only uncommunicative thought has been the attraction and intimate factor. Everything else is on the table. This is selfish on my part but couples therapy isn’t worthwhile here. She sees a Counsellor regarding her issues, I have my therapist for my issues. Between having to deal with her therapist as I have been present for some of her consultations I realize I can’t fix her. I have a compassionate and emphatic heart, I’ve tried to discuss all issues other than intimacy. Which is why I posted this. At work with a violent patient. Not one person would ever know I was dealing with anxiety or panic attack during an incident. I hold up until I get to my Ativan. I’m good at hiding my my fallouts.

 

[FragileGlass]

@EveHarrington

Showers can range from once to twice a week for her. But it’s the ‘announcement’ of it that kills my attraction. But.... I have had intimate encounters with partners where a shower definitely should have happened for either of us, but it was hot, sexy, intense and didn’t matter. It was in the moment, desired, needed. I miss those moments. She just announces too much beforehand. I don’t know if that makes sense. She kills the moods with too much info.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, it makes sense. I totally understand the too much info thing. Much of the time, less is more!

To me it sounds like personality differences are playing a major role here, and perhaps without the added struggles on your end and her end, the personality differences could be overcome....but now the added stressors are magnifying the personality differences.

Of course I could be totally wrong! Just throwing things out there. :hug:

 

[scout86]

She sees a Counsellor regarding her issues,

That answers the question I was going to ask. She sounds miserable. Living with chronic pain etc is tough. And it sounds like her Counsellor hasn't been able to help her move past the "victim of her disease" thing. That's a tough place to live. But, sometimes I've gotten the feeling that there might be a pay off for some people that makes them want to stay there.

I wonder if she doesn't need a different T? But, that's not really your problem. You could suggest it. Maybe from the standpoint that you're concerned that she seems depressed? But, if she's really decided to be miserable, changing her mind might be impossible. Good luck!

 

[FragileGlass]

@scout86

Yeah it’s been difficult - our situation is a little different. It all stems from my job. When I go to work, I have to remind head strong soon to be palliative cancer patients that ‘no’ you can’t do what you wanna do. At the same time I high five these same patients often in the hallways because they’re stubborn and have such strong will to be able to do what they wanna do anyways. No matter how much pain or how bad their life seems. They keep on moving because they want to. I wish my partner could see this. I’m not a fan of her therapist because they cave to my partners thoughts and validate her behaviour rather than help her confront her personal barriers. It’s just that I see incredible strength and courage every day from people at huge disadvantage and soon unable to be a part of this world anymore. While I am falling from my own issues. These people are what keep me in this game. While yeah I have real issues....... but hell they pale in comparison to what these folks battled. I just wish I had a partner that created a little spark of hope.

Again, I’m no picnic some days myself. I’m well aware of that. On top of all the things I have mentioned. I just think I’m fatigued overall from empathy and compassion from work, that I have a thinner wall when I get home. I just want to hang the empathy hat on the wall and cave to fun and carefree behaviour during my off days. That’s definitely not happening. The ever present doom and gloom is what defines my life right now. I’m positive it’s not helpful for her to feel that from me either.

 

[Mytime]

I understand your therapy is for you and her therapy is for her. But couples therapy is for the relationship. I’m by no means saying, “ stay, if you don’t want to stay. But I will say, “It can help a lot and most of all, you both have a chance to be heard.

 

[Supervixn]

Ugh it sucks when love ends. I was kinda hoping u could work it out somehow lol..

 

[DharmaGirl]

I don't understand what's so off putting about announcing that one is planning to shower. So what? I'm an RN, so maybe I'm used to TMI, but it sounds like she is learning how to live with chronic pain, which she can't get away from, and she is having a hard time adjusting. She probably does need a new therapist, but it seems to come down to her looks. You keep saying that it's not just that, but it is just that. I don't see any compassion as to her problem adjusting to the diagnosis. Usually people have a certain amount of time needed to adjust. I remember when I was first diagnosed with PTSD, it was on my mind all the time. Now not so much. When I was diagnosed with severe arthritis in my back, with chronic pain, it was all I talked about since I wasn't being heard. I got an excellent pain specialist, and learned to not give pain a front seat. She can do this too.

I think you should do her a favor and pay her back for the car, and leave. I would be horrified if I had a partner who felt about me like you feel about her, and found out a long time later. She needs to know she can't count on you.

 

[FragileGlass]

@DharmaGirl it appears that you haven’t read all the threads. I have every intention of paying the car back.

It’s been a year and a half of the same cycle with her, I am also dealing with PTSD. Both of us being down has not helped pick each other back up. She and I have different ways of dealing with issues. She has drained my empathy capacity due to her inability to focus on positive things.

You’re an RN, I also work in the hospital industry. My empathy cup has filled. I do care about this girl as I am one more person pulling away. It’s not my responsibility to handle her recovery all the time. I have my own to focus on too.

 

[Hojay]

There’s definitely such a thing as compassion fatigue @FragileGlass. It’s very real and I can only imagine how quickly it can happen when you yourself are struggling with PTSD (along with what you’ve witnessed in your line of work.) There’s nothing wrong with thinking “just pull yourself together already.” We all have thunk it.Question is just where to go with those feelings. How fair it is only we can know.

Where @DharmaGirl has a point though is that she seems to be surrounded by people who either bail or enforce her victimhood (through silence). In that sense, the most honorable thing to do is to speak your mind compassionately, but directly—give her a chance to self reflect without the immediate danger of being abandoned.

Your right though—you’re not responsible for her recovery. But sometimes we inadvertently make ourselves responsible by keeping hard truths to ourselves out of “care.”

About the attraction stuff, the more I think about it, the more I think there must be a kind and loving way to voice your concerns without completely obliterating her confidence right now. What if you phrased it not so much in the context of sex but self care? That you’re worried her diagnosis and struggle has done something to her self respect, which you’ve noticed by hand of [insert changes.]Which only works if that’s a genuine concern for you and it’s not really just sex you’re worried about.

To be completely honesty, if my partner started telling me toilet time details and farting away in front of me, it wouldn’t take very long until I’d ask him if he’s stopped seeing ME as a sexual being. But that’s just me.

 

[FragileGlass]

@Hojay

Thank you for such an insightful and thoughtful response. It’s been a long day. My girlfriends family had a ‘meeting’ With her today. They took the reins and stepped in. Her Dad contacted me early this morning as he was worried about her health among other things. (These are ongoing conversations between him and I) So her mom and dad got the family together (2 sisters and brother) and invited my girlfriend over for lunch.

(Not influenced by me, I would never have intimate problems conversation with her family) They took on a lot of the potentially harmful conversations about her self care, hygiene and weight gain. (When we met she was 120lbs..... she is 250lbs now). Her family have been incredibly wonderful in helping me through my battle as well and have been trying help my girlfriend first and foremost. They don’t want to see us part, but know it’s inevitable given what’s been happening and nothing changing.

While she went off to that difficult lunch experience. I contacted my EAP to arrange a counselling session for her and I to properly talk things out next week. Potentially see if we can find ways to salvage our relationship through better support or better support plan. Or if the relationship isn’t salvageable, I have a third party present find positive conversation that isn’t destructive to either of our self confidence. I’ve had bad relationship partings and I truly don’t want this one to be overtly destructive when it doesn’t have to be.

It’s been an emotional day for her. We’ve just been binge watching TV and we touched on some relationship conversation. Since I’ve arranged for counselling we agreed to lift the heavy stuff later rather than today. I really care about her. It was really hard to see her so emotional today. But relieved that the conversation is starting.